Бесплатный фрагмент - The chance to start a new life
How to make a conscious choice
“It’s all about thoughts. Thought is the beginning of everything. And thoughts can be controlled. And therefore the main thing of improvement is to work on thoughts.”
Lev Tolstoy
Dedicated to my Parents and my only daughter, Jaylene, who became a source of my inspiration and mental strength.
Words of Gratitude
I am sincerely grateful to my parents, who supported me in every possible way during the writing of the book and my daughter, who became my inspiration. I am grateful to all spiritual teachers, thanks to whom I got acquainted with the truth and learned the secrets of the creation described here. To all doctors of sciences and medicine who helped me to learn a lot about the structure of consciousness and the power of thought. And of course, to all those close and dear to me people with whom I went through the experience of life, acquiring all the knowledge and practice that I described in this extraordinary book.
Thank you all.
I almost forgot, I sincerely thank myself for the fact that, once in my teens, I decided that I would write a book. I kept my word to myself. It was my “choice”, and it brought me here.
Ida Prem
Introduction
I’ll be honest with you and say right away that I least of all like reading the introduction, because in anticipation of the book I immediately want to start reading it quickly and “bite off” a piece. But for lovers of concise content, I will still write a couple of words.
Here you will get acquainted with the laws of the creation, discover a lot of knowledge that you can introduce into everyday life. You will get a large number of discoveries related to yourself. You will realize how you can establish inner contact with your deep Self. You will find a lot of information on how to separate your own desires from those of others. You will understand the cause-and-effect relationship of what is happening in your life. You will find a lot of interesting things about self-love. You may even discover your childhood traumas that control you and prevent you from developing. A new world of emotions will open up for you, and you will be more conscious of them and thereby be able to control and monitor your thoughts that precede them. All this will be the beginning of your new awareness of yourself and the world. New unique miracles will begin, and they will be only yours. Unique, magical and delightful.
The meaning of the book can be summarized in one phrase that I use so often in my life:
“Genius lies in simplicity.”
Chapter 1. The fate
“The fate doesn’t push you where you don’t want to go. You are the one to choose. You choose your own fate.”
Richard David Bach
How do you really learn to manage your life, fate and circumstances? The fate usually favors those who speak positively about others. What we say about other people actually forms a certain attitude towards us from the people around us and those close to us.
Everything we say about other people and about ourselves is associated with others, of course, with our image as a whole. For example, if we say something kind, open, sometimes even with a little self-criticism, but most importantly, sincere, then we are perceived as positive-minded, benevolent and open people, free from complexes, not needing to hide our shortcomings. At this moment, it becomes more pleasant and safe to communicate with us, wariness is removed. Over time, a kind of positive environment forms around us, which attracts the same well-disposed people to us. But of course in life no one is immune from negatively minded people. But, believe me, they will not
stay long on your energetically positive background. Thus, what we say actually shapes our environment. Do not forget that every day can be the last one, because no one is immune from anything. Those who practically consider every day their last one, planning it, and live here and now, get the most out of life. Life is what happens to us here and now. So, every day is the most important thing in life. Therefore, if you have any desires, dreams and everything that you put off for so long, you should try to realize them right now and get great pleasure from it. Right now, it is important to contact those people with whom you want to do this, because, honestly admit to yourself that often we give the least love to our most beloved and closest people. You need to take care of loved ones, travel, enjoy life right now. There are so many people in the world who buy fresh bread every day, but at the same time they eat up old bread, and during this time fresh bread also becomes old. And as a result, such people always live yesterday, and eat stale bread all their lives. It is worth being attentive to your life and appreciating every moment, every impression and experience. Only those who try to think positively, easily letting go of negativity and not allowing it to influence life, are truly happy in life. Sometimes some negative emotions, resentments and problems start circling us all the time in a whirlwind of constantly rolling pain, and thereby attracting all the same negativity that was once in our lives. And do not be surprised, because this is your internal program or belief, which will always unquestioningly work one hundred percent. It is very helpful to let go of all emotions of pain and emotional holdings. And, the main secret and medicine is awareness,
just as the Buddha said. By giving up wishing evil on others and focusing on the good, what we think about will happen to us, including what we wish for others. It is no coincidence that they say: “Do not dig a hole for another, otherwise you will fall into it yourself.” So, if we, because of some negative emotions in relation to another person, wish him harm, first of all, we program our life and future for this. And vice versa, if we wish others good and success, then unconsciously, psychologically we prepare ourselves for the same pleasant events. And if you have some habitual algorithm of actions, then the result is often simply programmed by the process itself. The world develops through mistakes and random events, and not through something habitual.
The fate gives us the possibility of a new choice only through random events, respectively, in order to change something in your life, it is worth giving a chance to the so-called chance and remaining open to new opportunities. For example, take a different route to work at least a few times a month, visit places you have never been to, and meet new people from new areas. The unconscious will keep you from erroneous actions and decisions by any means. Our subconscious mind somehow knows what we need, and if we go the wrong way, it shows signs, we just need to be able to see and understand them.
What are the signs? Signs are basically an unlikely event that for some reason happened right now when we are making a decision. And the less likely it was for us to occur, the more important this sign is. For example, illnesses and injuries often signal that we are moving in the wrong direction, going to false goals, following other people’s settings instead of making efforts for our own happiness, and therefore, our unconscious mind is trying to keep us. And if we do not listen to it, then the deep “Self” will eventually try to turn us off completely. We own only what is really earned by efforts, time, knowledge and care. In fact, this is a continuation of the law of conservation of energy. If each of us takes only what we really deserve, then harmony and balance will be preserved. And vice versa, violation of this law will lead to a non-equilibrium state in the system, and this system will come to equilibrium in any complex way, taking something away from some and adding something to others. And therefore, if we take some benefits or resources that do not actually belong to us, fate will somehow take them away from us in order to restore the natural balance. Based on this rule, if for some reason we received more than we deserve, then life wants to distribute it through us to those who really need it. This means that our system of values or environment is suitable for redistribution, and fate itself will tell you exactly who needs to be helped. If we look deep into this topic and follow this law, we insure ourselves or others against adverse events. The fate will be more favorable to us.
I would advise many to try to give up value statements and judgments. What does it mean to value judgments? In fact, there is nothing bad and nothing good in our dual world. The fact is that this is our egocentric perception system, which is accustomed to perceive only extremes and in no case combine them into a balance. Also, for example, when we start giving advice to another person, they often have the illusion that we know the correct answer better, although this is, of course, impossible. The correct answer and decision depends on so many subjective and unknown factors that we will never be able to correctly assess and understand the situation from the point of view of this particular person. On the other hand, it can activate a negative program in them that controls them through life. And many have it. It is shifting responsibility for your life and for your decisions. Look, if you are asked for advice, then just try to expand the list of possible visible options for such a person. Help to find the pros and cons of each option, and then their life experience, logic, experience, intuition and most importantly, the higher and deepest “Self” will lead them, perhaps even through mistakes, to the correct answer so that they realize all the lessons of life, go through that path of awareness and already choose the best option for resolving the issue from all possible ones, suitable for them. Value judgments are the same mistake. By giving an assessment, we program a person. In addition, evaluation is most often capable of destroying even good relationships. Therefore, instead of telling someone “you are bad”, you should first learn to talk about the feelings that we experience as a reaction to the actions of another person. Unfortunately, in our society it is generally not customary to talk about feelings, and even more so about negative ones. We are mostly accustomed to blame, rather than in communication to talk about the feelings that led to these reactions.
It is very useful to know that there are also things that you simply never need to think about and know about. It is better not to know too much and avoid opportunities to become a witness to the negative actions of other people. We forgive those who make mistakes, but we hate those who witnessed our serious mistakes, so it is better to avoid such situations ourselves. If we don’t manage our goals, then someone else manages them. Note, not no one, but someone else. Often we get money for going not to our goals, but to the goals of the one who pays us for giving up our own goal. We are holding on and fighting for our freedom. In general, freedom is not what you are given. This is something that cannot be taken away from you. There are three freedoms that should not be allowed to be restricted – freedom of movement, freedom of communication and freedom of information. And if we want to take an important step in life, it is important to understand whether it will limit one of these freedoms. And if any of these freedoms are limited, it is worth considering whether the price is not too high. People love those they care about, and the more effort, time, feelings they put into another person, the more they love them. So if you need something, don’t be afraid to ask for it, it’s very helpful to let other people take care of you. Understand, this will only make them love you more. It is very important to respect personal space, both your own and another person’s. Thanks to personal space, a kind of field for development, we develop, better form and maintain our individuality, and it is our uniqueness and individuality that is valuable to others. If we do not have this microcosm, the necessary set of conditions and resources, then it will be extremely difficult for us to develop. Therefore, it is important to protect personal space and try not to let anyone in there. It’s like a shrine to your deep “Self”, the paradise in which You and You are. And people who want to check your phone, read your mail, eavesdrop on a telephone conversation, get into a computer or bag, should simply be avoided. Following the same law, we show respect for the personal space of another person. Yes, of course, reasonable selfishness is necessary, and if we do not respect ourselves, fight for happiness, then no one will do it. It is necessary that this respect for yourself first of all come from yourself. Reasonable selfishness is a kind of unique balance, without which it is impossible to grow your freedom and self-respect. It’s very simple. The business that we like has a chance to become successful if we want it, and in order for us to like it ourselves, it just costs us to do it well once. If this is impossible, it should be done in a short time. So, for example, it is better to have an unpleasant conversation quickly and forget about it than to delay and accumulate negative emotions about it. Our unconscious and true Self will always choose the best option available. The more options we have for solving the situation, the more correct option the unconscious will choose, so our task is to expand the number of possible options for comparison and choice. Sometimes we want to get answers right away, so to speak, as if asked in a “search engine”. But this does not happen instantly. And I am absolutely sure that many of you have witnessed when the answers came at the most unexpected moment, or rather, at the moment when you let go of the situation. At the same time, it should be taken into account that if some option is artificially unavailable to us, the brain concentrates on it, presenting it to us as special, and clearly pushing towards it. In fact, we often seek not so much this option as our right to implement it. Therefore, having received something that was not available before, it is useful to once again completely reevaluate all available options for solving the problem.
There are a huge number of different energy currents or flows in the world, and if you get into them, you can achieve success much faster. Basically, such flows are formed around people with good energy, a positive outlook on the world, satisfied with their lives. These are people who have a lot of ideas, they are overwhelmed with creativity. You yourself have noticed more than once that, having got into this or that society, or a company, regardless of you, you begin to think like them, feel all the positive if it is a good company, or vice versa, having got into a negative and destructive society, you become like them. This is where the collective unconscious comes into play. Communicating with successful people, we begin to imitate them, and once in such a stream, we need to strive for its center. An indicator that you are moving in the right direction is the appearance around you of an increasing number of creative, positive and successful people. Our abilities are revealed when they are really needed, this is how the human brain works. Only those abilities are revealed that a person needs at a given moment of time to achieve his personal goals and survive in general. I would also like to add that our dreams do not come true until we are ready for it. To get what you want, you need to move to a new level of yourself. It’s like, until you grow out of old pants, new ones will be too big for you. This is how it works here as well. If we do not get what we dream about, then fate protects us from this, because we are not ready for this. Let’s say that life protects you from buying an expensive car that you really want, but are not yet ready to maintain and service. The question arises: “What to do then?” The answer is simple – to prepare and do what you can, and gradually achieve a state of affairs in which the outcome you want cannot fail to occur. In fact, it is about the fact that we will manage what we can manage. We will own what we can own, and be able to be in tune with the dream, with ourselves, our actions, will, and mind. And then we stop blaming the whole world for our failures and understand that the responsibility for what happens in our life lies only with ourselves. And in order to move to the so-called new level, life will pump you, so to speak, so that you become higher or are at the appropriate level with your desires. And what happens to us is precisely those events for which we are really ready. If we want to become someone, it is worth starting to behave as if it has already happened, it is useful to start preparing ourselves and our environment for this. This does not mean that you need, for example, to buy expensive clothes and interior items, it means that you need to behave and think in accordance with these feelings. They say that money comes when a person internally resigned themselves to what they have, when they have already learned to be happy without them. And indeed, I have been convinced of this many times. When we create in harmony with what we have in our hands at the moment, miracles begin to happen. I am sure that you have come across information more than once about how the feeling of gratitude balances our entire internal egocentric system. And this is absolutely true. When you are in this state, creativity rises, all the organs of the body and senses begin to function calmly and in a flow. I will mention the topic of gratitude more than once in my chapters. And with practice in your life, you will be convinced of this yourself over and over again.
Chapter 2. The Laws of the Universe
“If you want to know the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”
Nikola Tesla
The universe empowers those who correctly understand and follow its laws. You will understand this as soon as you start using the laws of the universe in your life. I would like to start this chapter by telling a little about them, or rather about the laws of life and the creation, which greatly influence our lives. But we are so involved in the game that we play here that we do not notice anything.
Let’s start with the law of energy exchange. This is also stated by one of the main and most famous laws of Einstein, the formula of which is Е=тс2. Everything in the world consists of energy, it is always in motion, a person constantly exchanges energy with other people, radiates something and receives something in return. The first principle of this law is that balance must be maintained in everything. If it disappeared somewhere, then it appeared somewhere, the energy absolutely does not disappear anywhere. If you have sent something outside, then it will be returned to you. Let’s say, if you send negative thoughts, complain about life, they will return in the form of unpleasant events that will confirm your words. If you thank life for what you have at the moment, you will receive even more benefits, feel a surge of energy, joy, peace and security. And if you want to achieve balance in everything, learn to give and receive equally. As life shows, this is not always possible and not everyone succeeds – some people give a lot, but receive little in return, because they do not know how to receive, others take a lot, give a little, and then an imbalance appears. In life there are situations that show that the balance is not maintained. If you identify the causes, work through the problem, then harmony will be restored. It is very important, because sometimes there is a feeling that everything seems to be going as it should, but inside there is an unreasonable feeling of dissatisfaction. This is precisely the sign of an imbalance in the acceptance and return of energy. You can fool your mind, but you can never do it to your body. It is always sensitive and always tells the truth.
The second principle is not to take anything for nothing. If you take something and do not thank in return or do not give money or any material goods, then in the future a situation arises when you lose something, or your income decreases. If you provide a service, wasting yourself physically and energetically, but at the same time answering gratitude: “Not a big deal”, then it’s better not to say that. You devalue your work, so you rob yourself. You inform the universe, the world or the creation, whatever you want to call it, that your work requires little time or costs nothing. Now it will seem to you that this is another esoteric text, but the influence of words and thoughts has been proven by the famous professor P.P. Goryaev, and if you are interested, be sure to check out his scientific papers. You will be pleasantly surprised how everything in our world is interconnected. The skew also occurs when you help a person who didn’t ask for help. You think you’re doing a good thing, but they don’t think so. The spent energy returns to you in the form of indignation from the fact that the person is ungrateful. A knot, which will then have to be untangled, is tied. The third principle is that the more you give, the more you receive. It is applicable in any sphere of life. If you send more energy into the universe, you will get more back. Here we need to strike a balance too. Give more if you yourself do not find yourself at a loss, and if you have entered into an agreement for the provision of some services, do a little more than stated. But, if you are asked to lend, and you yourself are almost at zero, you should not give the last money, you create an imbalance by putting another person in the first place instead of yourself.
The law of free will and choice. Our planet is called the planet of free choice. This means that every person has a choice, no matter what situation they are in, any situation begins from the moment of choice. You make it every second. If you don’t like the situation, you find yourself in, fix this moment, you are at a crossroads from which many roads start, and you make a choice which one to take. Everything you’ve done in the past has led to this moment. But if you want your tomorrow to be different from today, make the choice to go the other way. Start acting differently, it’s hard to get a different result if you do the same thing day after day. Changes can start with the simplest things — change the route to work, change the daily routine. In general, you can start with very basic things. But here I will tell you about the secret, if you start to change something in your life, do it gradually. For that simple reason, your consciousness, having felt drastic changes, begins to perceive it as an impossible task. It is very lazy, so it is difficult for us to learn something new, because this forces it to create new neural connections. The only very effective way is to gradually introduce new skills, but it is important to apply willpower and the intention to continue these changes.
The law of abundance. The universe is abundant for everyone, it has an unlimited number of resources for any person. But look – in fact, only a small percentage of the world’s population prospers, the rest of the people earn money day by day, because the consciousness of lack prevails among the majority. The constant “background” feeling that there is not enough for everyone. But most prosperous people do not have this mindset, because these people initially believed in their uniqueness and that life is abundant. They generally did not allow this thought, in their minds it simply did not exist as such. Abundance consciousness is the belief that all that you have given will come back and even if you are short of money at the moment, there will come a time when all this will change, because the state you are in now affects your future. If you want to be prosperous tomorrow, choose to do things differently now. The consciousness of poverty is a temporary phenomenon. At the moment you may not have money, but this does not mean that you are poor, you have a family, a roof over your head, friends, love of loved ones and a job. If you have at least some of this, you are no longer poor. Money is not a measure of wealth. Life is full of not only material goods, everything else is also of great importance for a person. Instead of complaining about the hard life, be grateful for the benefits that you have now. Thus, gradually the consciousness of poverty will fade into the background, giving way to the consciousness of abundance.
“Causes and effects are innumerable in their number and variety. Everything affects everything. In this universe, when one thing changes, everything changes. Hence the great power of man to change the world by changing himself.”
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
The law of attraction. The principle of this law is that like attracts like. You attract exactly what you already have inside. If you are happy and harmonious, harmonious and happy people are attracted to you. If you are pessimists and skeptics, you think that everything in the world is terrible, you attract such people and such circumstances. To stop attracting negative events, stop exuding negative thoughts and emotions yourself. If there are a lot of critical people in your environment, but you don’t behave like that, ask yourself a question. Most likely, these people signal that you do not notice some shortcomings in yourself, do not see your shadow part. Learn to accept yourself as a whole, and not just your virtues. Without the shadow part, you cannot become whole. After all, admit it, it is so easy to accept yourself as a good, kind, merciful one, but we live in a dual world, the task of which is the integration of polarities. Acceptance of two sides, both dark and light. It’s like knowing and accepting your darkness, but always choosing to be light. Accepting yourself as anyone is the whole secret of harmony.
The law of evolution. The physical body is limited in time and life. But the exact age at which real old age will come depends only on you and on your desire to constantly develop. As soon as a person stops evolving, they begin to age. One can become an old man at the age of thirty.
The law of reason. What you see now is the result of your past choices and actions. Any event has a cause— effect that you committed earlier. If you don’t want to have in the future what you have today, make a decision to go the other way, take responsibility for everything that happens in your life on yourself. Remember what choices led you to this result and start acting differently.
The law of distinction. This law is related to the expression of one’s truth, and people often break it. Each person has their own truth, their own vision of the world. Starting to live according to this law, you take as a basis that you have your own truth, and others have theirs. The truth of others is no worse than yours. If this is accepted as an axiom, conflicts, clashes, disputes will disappear, because you will stop imposing your point of view and picture of the world on others. Every person has the right to express their truth, learn to express your truth gently and confidently, find the right words. It is important to maintain a balance so that your borders are not affected, and the person is not offended. This law imposes certain responsibilities on you. If you have decided to carry your truth, realize that others have the right to express their opinion about you, which may be unpleasant to you. What matters is the message with which you speak your truth. And if your goal is to offend, humiliate a person, then you will get a “return”. If you lovingly express your point of view, even the unpleasant truth, it is quite possible that a person will listen to you, even if not from the first time.
All these laws are intertwined with each other. It is impossible to draw a line where the action of one law begins and the manifestation of another ends. By applying these basic laws, you can change your outlook on life, and then life itself. It is important that they take root in you, and you follow them simply on “autopilot”.
Chapter 3. Feeling of emptiness in life
“When you walk, don’t walk mechanically, don’t keep watching it — be it. When you dance, don’t do it technically; technique is irrelevant. You can dance technically correctly but miss all the joy of dancing. Dissolve yourself in the dance, become a dance, forget about the dancer.”
Osho
This chapter is primarily for those who, after reading a few statements, will find themselves. But even if this does not happen, I still advise you to read it, since each new line will give answers to various questions and in general will help you realize yourself, in particular, those aspects that you have so carefully hidden from yourself for many years. But at this stage you will have to face these possibly unpleasant aspects and go deeper into your fears. If at least one or more statements seem true to you, if from time to time there is a feeling that in this life you are like an uninvited guest at someone else’s holiday, if you feel that you do not live, but just sit on the edge of the bench and do not feel like a full participant in this life, do not accept your full right to live, enjoy the benefits of this life, be yourself and do what you want, this chapter is for you, and it will help you a lot to stop living on an emotional swing that constantly throws you to the right, then to the left. What does it mean? This means that your self-awareness, your self-esteem, your attitude towards yourself, self-love is very much dependent on the opinions and assessments of others, and how you accept yourself depends on how you are treated, and sometimes even a disapproving look is enough, to make you lose your confidence. If all this is about you, sit back and dive into this chapter. If you are often offended, do not know how to stand up for yourself, if you have difficulty in calmly and intelligibly conveying to another person that you have been treated unfairly, and instead of defending your rights with confidence, a bunch of uncontrollable emotions appear – this chapter is for you. And also for those who would like to reveal their full potential, and especially the potential of communication, that is, learn to communicate with ease, with dignity and be able to be themselves, without adjusting to anyone.
In this chapter, as you may have already realized, we will talk about emotional awareness. How can you learn to control your emotions? How to learn not to be offended, how to learn to take responsibility for yourself, for your thoughts and for your feelings? This topic is incredibly necessary, interesting, and unfortunately, poorly covered, very few authors touch on it. The fact is that emotional conscious maturity brings a person to a completely new level of life, a qualitatively new level of life. What is emotional maturity, and is it an innate concept. No, it is not innate. Emotional maturity is something that a person develops in themselves throughout their life. Unfortunately, practice shows that very few people go through this process of emotional maturation at all. A person is born, goes through the adolescence, goes through the youth, maturity, old age, and even dies without having matured emotionally. That is, emotionally remaining in the state of a child, although in their understanding everything is alright with them.
And as I mentioned earlier, these emotional negative programs of ours are based on a variety of emotions – the state of the demanding, the state of the needy, and even chronic impotence. An emotionally adult or emotionally mature person is not a bore who knows everything, and already knows everything in advance, and nothing worries them. No, an emotionally mature person is an individual who has taken responsibility for their emotional state and who can consciously stop the flow of negative thoughts at some point, directing them in the right direction by saying to themselves – “What more resource can I think about or what action plan to develop, to reach your goal.” This is a person who is aware of the responsibility for their emotional state. Only for their own and for no one else’s. An emotionally mature people do not blame anyone, and most importantly, does not condemn themselves. They understand that any situation in life is also their responsibility, and if such people have a moment in life that does not suit them, then they do one of two things. They either change the circumstances, or make a conscious decision to get out of them, or revise their attitude, abandoning their expectations. In fact, this is a very mature act – consciously, not just lowering the bar, but consciously changing your expectations, your attitude to the situation. At first, this is difficult to do, but in the future, everything will go smoothly, and you will be satisfied with your new perception.
Why do some people, or rather most people, never grow up? Well, in short, the following happens: when a child grows up, it is severely deprived of the right to have their own opinion, to be independent. Overly caring mothers, controlling mothers or authoritarian parents do not contribute to the development and formation, but only hinder the maturity of a person. And often you can see that, already being an adult, they still remain a child in their relationship with parents, everything is the same as in childhood, they are afraid of them, and some even continue to financially depend on their parents. Or the same thing happens in a personal relationship with a partner. This is also a very obvious sign that a person is absolutely immature emotionally. Even when a person enters the so-called adult life, this does not mean at all that emotional maturity will come to them over the years. A person gets a job and continues to play the unconscious role of a child in conjunction with their employer, with their superiors. And you will be surprised how many even elderly people are around who have not known and have not realized what emotional maturity is all their lives.
Emotional maturity is one of the base plates in the foundation of a successful fulfilling life, moreover, it is one of the main keys to fulfilling relationships, it is the key to financial independence, the key to being able to create your own business, to be in the public eye, to be able to stand up for your point of view and interests. Signs of an immature person are, first of all, chronic resentment. That is, overly touchy and oversensitive people who are often offended, become isolated – these are emotionally immature people. The next is people who are afraid to stand up for themselves and again use offense instead of defending their rights. That is, they are afraid and in the state of a child, but they are in no way aware of this, and if a person does not know and does not study themselves, and you tell them about it directly, they can throw stones at you. And instead of adequately clarifying the situation, such people will most likely either become isolated, offended, will be very upset, reproach themselves inside, or, conversely, their reaction becomes overly emotional, aggression and rage, which spills out because emotionally immature people, like children, are afraid to show their anger. They are afraid that they will be punished for this. Otherwise, it is difficult for them to express their emotions and their thoughts. However, I repeat, this is just a starting point. This can be changed and if this is your problem, and if this is your case, then this chapter will be very useful for you. Another feature of emotionally immature people is shifting responsibility to others, such people look for the guilty, look for excuses and do not miss the opportunity to blame someone for their failures. And at the same time, these people very rarely radically change something themselves. Usually, they wait for the situation to resolve itself, and the course of life will simply take them somewhere without taking any measures. Another distinguishing feature is emotional greed, which I will refer to in later chapters. This is a feature of the child, because the child, in fact, is the recipient who receives attention, care, and if this does not happen, it is offended, pouts, cries. Also, an adult, when they expect a lot, but does not receive it, they are very upset and offended. At the same time, emotionally immature people are people who can rarely wish happy birthday, rarely know how to thank. Emotional greed manifests itself in small things. This is dependence on someone else’s opinion, and it is very destructive. This feature alienates you so much from yourself that it will rather make you an unhappy person for the rest of your days. Emotionally immature people react very strongly to someone else’s assessment, to someone else’s opinion and even a displeased facial expression, some kind of someone else’s look can unsettle them. Their perception of themselves – how they look, who they are in this life, love and acceptance of themselves is very much dependent on the opinions and attitudes of others. These were the main distinguishing features by which one can understand whether a person is emotionally immature or not. Again I will tell you that it is better to look firstly at yourself, and not to try to analyze the people around you now. You should not try to figure out which of your loved ones is emotionally mature or immature. In fact, many of your environment most likely only “mirror” and reflect all your insincerity to yourself in various manifestations.
Emotional awareness can be achieved in many ways. The first thing that happens in our society, it is adopted as an established model of behavior. If our parents were emotionally mature, conscious people, if they knew how to treat us from a certain age, as a separate person who has the right to opinion and respect, to his decision, then this person quite harmoniously over time acquires this emotional independence, this emotional maturity and takes responsibility for their life and for their decisions, for their emotions. The second way is more difficult. It is passed by those who, perhaps, are less fortunate with the example and with the situation. Such people are the majority. All of us in childhood, one way or another, lacked certain emotional resources, which, in fact, would be more important than an extra toy and an extra piece of cake. What is important is awareness, happiness and inner balance of a person throughout the life. This is the path of awareness, when a person, having thought a little, having stuffed bumps, being disappointed in something, begins to understand that something is not right here. It can be quite a painful path, but it is better to go through it and endure it than never to go through it. If you look around, you will see a lot of people who are living in the state of a child, in a state of emotional immaturity, infantilism. And what are the signs of this emotional immaturity? I want to reassure you right away that you don’t need to be scared if you notice any of the listed signs in yourself, this is absolutely normal. There is nothing wrong with this. But to live your whole life and never think about it, that’s really scary. But many people do not even suspect that there is such a thing, they cannot even look at the situation from the outside. They do not realize that they are in a cage, from which it is impossible to get out. The fact is that you will not be able to see the situation if you do not take a few steps back from it, if you do not look at it from the side. And one of the great news and opportunities to look at something outside of them is information that you just need to let through yourself, listen and at least a little realize it. And if you notice signs of emotional immaturity in yourself, this is very good. This means that if you want, you will very soon take your life to a new level.
“It is those passions, the nature of which we misunderstand, that dominate us the most. And the weakest of all are feelings, the origin of which we understand. And often a person imagines that he is making an experience over others, when in reality he is making an experience over himself.”
Wilde O.
Emotional growing up is an important part of life, as is self — acceptance. You will only gain by realizing all this. Be honest with yourself now and don’t be afraid, don’t scold yourself now, if you notice that you haven’t really matured, that you are still in the state of a child, then it’s better to realize this and decide what to do about it. If this is not realized, then nothing can be done about it. Each of us can become emotionally mature and this is not a myth, these are not empty promises, this is a real conscious change. This path is not always simple, not always pleasant and easy, because in fact it is convenient for us to be in the state in which we are accustomed to be. When we walk on already trampled roads, we do it automatically. This is our comfort zone, and if we are used to blaming everyone, complaining, being offended, if we are used to expecting attention from everyone, but not being the first to give this attention and love, then we will feel uncomfortable, we will need to make an effort on ourselves in order to change something. Consciously change your inner state, and turn from an emotional child into a full-fledged, self-aware, feeling person who has inner contact with the Self. And this is exactly what will take your life to a qualitatively new level. It’s like black and white.
I will share with you a little of my experience and say that at one time I had such a problem. If I was in the company of a person in a bad mood, who was dissatisfied and annoyed with something, I was scared and somehow uncomfortable to show my good mood. It seemed to me that I needed to cheer up this person, appease or make them happy. In general, do something to make them feel better. And such behavior leads to our destruction, unfortunately, because we cannot be responsible for how others feel. It also leads to destruction due to the fact that we begin to regret, and pity takes away the strength of this person to cope with the situation on their own and makes them a victim. So be very careful about feeling sorry for yourself and for others. And if someone next to you is always in a bad mood, if a person always complains, is dissatisfied with something, or reacts angrily in some way, with such a person next to you, you still have the right to be happy, you have the right to be cheerful. And also you have the right not to be near such a person. It is clear that when our loved one feels bad, when they are sad, then, of course, a feeling of apathy and compassion is normal. It is quite logical that you will stop jumping for happiness and enjoy the world, you will come up and try to somehow sympathize. In fact, in order to prevent a person from entering the role of a victim, one should tell them at this moment that they will cope with the situation. Since such an attitude gives them strength rather than takes it away. Pity is one of the very subtle and destructive emotions. But mercy is a completely different matter.
But there are people who are always in a bad mood, who simply cannot stand it when someone feels good around them, who get angry, but there is a reason for this. If you grew up in a family where parents, older brothers or sisters, grandparents could come and yell at you for no reason, just because they were in a bad mood, then such children grow up with some kind of built-in radar. This inner feeling captures and fixes the negative emotions of other people: how do people around you feel now, are they dangerous for you or not, do you need to quiet down now, stop rejoicing, try to appease them somehow, or do they still good mood and you can be yourself. There are children who grow up with drinking parents, and they constantly live in fear that if the father comes home drunk, he will beat and yell. Understand that this is a childish reaction, this is a trauma that controls you, because when you read, you think that everything can be fixed very easily. But in reality, everything is not so simple. And this speaks of your destructive program. And if you notice this for yourself, remind yourself all the time that you have grown up. Try to fish out this program, recognize and accept it, and then it will start to leave you. You now have the right and the resource to stand up for yourself and take responsibility for living a new life. You are an adult person, and children’s reactions will make themselves felt for some time. But, if you purposefully remind yourself of this, if you say that you are responsible only for your well-being, only for your mood and emotional state, then soon such children’s reactions will weaken and become a thing of the past. And when you try to adjust to someone’s mood, you lose yourself, and that’s the worst thing you can do. Betray yourself, lose yourself. Remember that you are an adult and have the right to any of your emotions. And if you are forced to live or spend a lot of time with people who are constantly bad, who are constantly unhappy and constantly negative, ask yourself if you need it. And at a minimum, allow yourself to experience what you want to experience next to such people. Joy means joy. If it’s cool for you, let it be cool for you. Believe that the world needs your good emotions. Emotional conscious maturity means that there is one more step between the stimulus and your reaction. You always have a chance to choose what suits you, because life is one, and you are alone. And all this is called conscious choice. That is, between a stimulus or between some event and your reaction to this event or to this stimulus, you have the opportunity to choose how you will react. This is the quality of an emotionally conscious mature person. I repeat that an emotional conscious person is not born in one day, it is a journey, it is a practice of acquiring skills, the beginning of a new “Self” and reboot. And each of us walks this path, consciously walks in order to bring ourselves and our lives to a qualitatively new level.
Let’s go a little deeper in this chapter and reveal the topic of dependence on someone else’s opinion. I’ll start with a simple parable. A parable about how one person heard that a Buddha had come to a nearby village. This man was critical of the Buddha and considered him a charlatan. He went in search of the Buddha to tell him what he really thought about him, and when he finally found him, he spat at him and said all sorts of nasty things. When he finished, the Buddha asked, “Is that all you wanted to tell me?” The man replied, “Yes.” And then the Buddha turned around and went on his way. This man returned home and could not sleep all night, he was tormented by doubts. He tossed and turned, and kept thinking, or maybe he was wrong and said so many nasty things in vain. Probably, this is really a holy person, if he knows how to react to insults. After all, he didn’t answer anything, not a single muscle twitched in him, there was only peace in him. And waking up early in the morning, he went and picked flowers. He arranged the flowers into a beautiful wreath and went to look for the Buddha. And when he found him, he hung a wreath of fresh flowers around his neck and began to praise him in every possible way and say how wrong he was and how he repents. When he finished praising him, the Buddha asked, “Is that all you wanted to tell me?” The man replied, “Yes.” Then the Buddha turned around and went on peacefully on his way. The man was at a loss, he caught up with the Buddha and asked: “Please tell me why yesterday, when I spat at you and insulted you, you were not upset and were so calm. Why today, when I hung a wreath of flowers around your neck and began to praise you, did you not show your joy and were unperturbed? Then the Buddha replied: “Because I am not your slave.” How often do we become slaves to someone else’s mood, someone else’s fool, someone else’s whim, advice and much more? How often do we allow other people to determine how we feel and how we treat ourselves? This happens precisely when we have not developed a resource in ourselves – the resource of a mature person who will definitely filter what they let into their world and what they don’t, who understands where you just need to turn on awareness in time and put a barrier to your vibrational field or state that you will not allow to poison your life. And, of course, any person, even an emotionally mature one, has moments in life when they are more sensitive to information, these are some moments of turbulence, moments of internal doubt. There is also a circle of people who are very, very close to us, and their comments, their assessment still penetrates very far and can hurt a lot or, conversely, inspire a lot. This is understandable, however, you yourself know this difference. You can imagine in your head a person who is emotionally stable, who knows their own worth, who is aware of how they treat themselves, who they are and what they are. And you can also easily imagine a person who, like a pendulum, constantly fluctuates and reacts to the assessment of others. And unfortunately, it is incredibly difficult to live in such a state. In such a state, it is impossible to truly create something, because a person who does not trust their own opinion, but relies only on the reaction and on the opinion of others, cannot be creative, cannot let himself go on this creative flight. Another sad thing is happening. A person who is emotionally dependent on the opinions of other people is constantly trying to please, constantly trying to be good, suppressing their own interests, their emotions, changing their personality and adjusting themselves to be desirable, to be pleasing and acceptable to others. And, unfortunately, over time, all these things manifest themselves through a disease of the body, and this is inevitable.
In the following chapters, I will touch on the underlying emotional issues that are dragging you or your loved ones down, poisoning your life. You will receive a lot of interesting information, which, most importantly, you will be able to apply in your new conscious life.
Chapter 4. Awareness of emotions
“Only limited people need years to get rid of some feeling or impression. And a man who knows how to control himself is able to put an end to sadness as easily as to find a new joy. I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to enjoy them, get everything I can out of them. I want to dominate my emotions.”
Oscar Wilde
Awareness of emotions is what is necessary for any person who wants to build their life independently and qualitatively, without relying on anyone and not trying to please anyone. Only an emotionally mature person is able to build long-term and healthy relationships, whether it be family relationships, relationships with subordinates, with superiors, or with their loved ones, friends and society as such. I consider this topic one of the most important and aspects that are definitely worth mentioning as part of its consideration are the emotions of anger and aggression, and how to deal with uncontrollable anger. I will clarify that within the framework of this chapter, we will talk about the anger and aggression of an adult. Because if we are talking about small children, then the situation will be a little different, and the topic needs to be revealed in a different way. I will immediately ask the question — is it normal to feel anger, hatred? The answer is yes. Anger for a person is a natural emotion necessary for survival. If, say, your child is bullied by someone, it is quite logical that you will immediately experience anger. But at the same time there are different manifestations of anger, aggression and rage. They are not productive, which do not save you from anything and do not help you protect your interests, but on the contrary, they are an indicator, a symptom of your inability to protect yourself. The state of strong anger, aggression and rage are just a manifestation of a derivative of impotence, the weakness of your inner child. All of us were once children, and a child is a dependent being, and to some extent powerless, and I think each of us in one form or another was once the object of someone’s aggression, and this aggression could take the form of disrespectful, dismissive attitude, mockery, ridicule, and so on. The child, not understanding how he can defend himself or respond correctly to such a situation, experiences a feeling of powerlessness, and it is this feeling of powerlessness that, following fear, gives rise to a feeling of rage, aggression and rather unpleasant anger. And since the child does not have the right to show it, all these emotions are directed inward.
In fact, the topic of emotions is very important. And I would like to make a small footnote, saying that in fact, all the emotions that we did not live through in childhood turn into negative programs in adulthood. Let me give you the following example: in childhood, a child witnesses a scene of violently cursing parents. At this moment, it feels a whole range of emotions – there is pain, fear, anger at its father, and pity for its mother, and again hatred for its father. So, in order to make it easier for the child, its consciousness deduces a formula, or rather the installation, that all men are despots or aggressors, and so on. In general, the child seemed to feel better at that moment, but the mindset was already embedded in her mind, and in adult life this girl fulfills this program with accuracy, choosing just such men in order to make sure every time that she was right. The fact is that the mindset actually rests on the spectrum of these emotions, and the subconscious mind is cyclical, and therefore periodically makes you experience these feelings and emotions so that a person accepts these emotions and lives them consciously. And the men she meets on her way are actually just activators of one or another emotion – aggression, anger, resentment, and so on. After all, in childhood, no one taught us to live and let go of these feelings.
What happens when a person grows up? When a person grows up, they have the opportunity to protect themselves, to designate their boundaries, to protect them and observe them in any situation. The fact is that this childish impotence, the phantom of this feeling and weakness, often remains in the mind for a long time, and very often a person lives with these patterned sensations for many years, and sometimes even all their life. Now you have matured, and your impotence is illusory. Recall a situation when someone treated you disrespectfully, and inside you boiled anger or even aggression against this person. And if you are not taught to express your emotions, if you are still afraid to show them, then, as a rule, keep silent or somehow get away from the situation, but inside you will boil and rage for a long time. The same thing happens if you were deceived or something was taken from you or stolen. If you didn’t express it right away, then you continue to boil. And sometimes a person, even having splashed out the emotions, still continues to stew in this, boil and cannot get out of this state of aggression, anger or even rage. Surely, you have seen such a scene when one woman in a store in line said some kind of rudeness to another, and she threw out three times as much in response. And you see two angry kids spitting, waving their arms, and so on. So, you should know, here are two absolutely helpless people who do not realize that they can absolutely calmly declare how they can and cannot be treated. And you know that if suddenly in such a situation one person is an adult, emotionally adult, I mean, then such a skirmish fades away very quickly, because an adult will never allow themselves to get angry, they will very quickly, without unnecessary screams and waving fists, put everything in its place and put an impolite person in their place. When such a “bark” or an absolutely unsightly quarrel occurs, you should know for sure that you have two emotional children in front of you, and there is no smell of adulthood here.
So is it worth it to show aggression if it has appeared inside you and what to do about it? Yes, it is true that if you have not shown your anger or aggression, it will be directed against you. A person is inclined to hold negative emotions all the life and be afraid to show them. And, as a rule, such people begin to get sick, because no one has canceled psychosomatics, and over time, the body of such people begins to suffer and show them that they are unfair to themselves. And at the same time, a person who is always angry and shows such emotions runs the risk of being alone, because it will be extremely unpleasant to live, work and generally be next to such a person. What to do? Well, firstly, you need to understand that if someone infuriates you, makes you angry, then the problem is not in this person and not even in the situation that annoys you, not in the world that created this situation, but the problem is in you. And when a person stands in a traffic jam and gets mad, the problem is not in the traffic jam and not in the government, which built the tracks in the wrong way, and not even in the “idiots” who filled the road, but the problem is in the person. If someone or something irritates you regularly and systematically, then the problem is with you, because if you are faced with a situation that pisses you off and you do nothing about it, this means that you are in the state of a child who has not lived through and expressed emotions. And situations are just activators of these emotions. What does the condition of the child mean? This means that you continue to live in your weakness, in a state of impotence, when everything is bubbling inside. In this situation, the first thing to do is to remember that you are an adult and have the right to say whatever you don’t like in this situation without yelling, using harsh words or making comical hand and foot gestures, because this also a manifestation of powerlessness. You can just calmly put a person in their place in an adult way. If you think a person is lying to your face, or you think they are treating you impolitely, you can always tell them, and you can explain to them what will happen if they don’t change their behavior or attitude. The second tip that will help you cope with emotions in a similar situation is to remember that there is nothing personal here. A person who is disrespectful to you or has offended you, in fact, treats themselves that way. You need to understand that the attitude towards you is a projection of a person’s attitude towards themselves. It will only partly make you feel better, but you stop taking it personally. You understand that a person is like that inside. Unfortunately, this makes this person feel bad. But, on the other hand, you should not allow other people to make you unpleasant and painful. Again, we return to point one. Put the person in their place, or if you think it’s a hopeless case and it would be easier to just cut yourself off from that person, allow yourself to do so, but don’t take the hurt or anger with you. Forgive this person and wish them happiness. A person who treats others disrespectfully is also disrespectful to themselves. And I guarantee you that a person who is kind to themselves, who values themselves, loves and respects, treats others in the same way by default. At least until the moment when they do not need to defend their personal boundaries and their self-respect. Well, what to do if the person who treats you disrespectfully or dismissively is your boss, relative or husband? If you are an emotionally mature person, you will never allow anyone to treat you like this, even if it is the president himself. The first thing to remember is that you are the only one, and no position of another person, their social or economic status does not give the right to treat you with disdain. And you should also put such a person in their place. If after that you are asked to leave your job, I congratulate you, this means that next time you will get to a better and more worthy place with those employees and those leaders who will treat you differently. It is very important not to live in self-deception, not to lead yourself by the nose. Very often, people who tolerate a bad attitude towards themselves for a long time, whether in the family or at work, explain this with supposedly objective reasons – why they cannot now dot all the “i”, turn around and leave, or put offender in their place – this is due to both financial and career dependence. You can, of course, continue to live in illusions and explain this by external factors that prevent you from demanding respect for yourself, but in this chapter I want to tell you that nothing in the world, no job, no money, comfort and other excuses should stop from setting your boundaries and declaring how you can and cannot be treated. The worst thing is to cheat yourself. There is nothing more terrible than this betrayal.
So, what to do when you have a feeling of anger? The first is, as we have already said, to react or to get away from the situation altogether. Yes, if you understand that this is an absolutely useless and hopeless case, just try not to be there anymore, neither in this situation, nor with these people. The second thing that will help you deal emotionally with the situation is realizing that this person is actually showing you their own attitude towards themselves right now. And you can always easily figure out a person who respects themselves by their reaction in a stressful situation. Even in an unpleasant situation, they can stand up for themselves with dignity and put everyone in their place, and at the same time not sink to the level at which their offenders are now. And the third thing you can do is ask yourself where this anger came from, and it will simply be useful for you to think about what has hooked you so much. Because your reaction is your own responsibility. Do not forget that a series of such or similar situations speaks of your internal programs, emotions that were not lived in childhood. Or, you may find that the situation “mirrors” you. And if aggression comes systematically from the outside, then you need to think, go inside your consciousness and see where you treat yourself aggressively, where you betray yourself in this way. Quite often, people are infuriated and angry by something that, in fact, does not concern them at all. Well, for example, a drunk person on a bus. For some, it can cause anger and aggression. But you need to understand that something is objective, and something is extremely subjective, and, as a rule, behind any violent, negative reaction, especially if it happens quite often, there is our heightened need to be recognized, to be seen, to receive respect and recognition. And at the same time, it mixes with our impotence, with our weakness that we acquired in childhood, or it may be your emotional hook. And it is this combination of feelings and thoughts that makes a person boil, seething and even get sick. Maybe someone will be pleased to know that anger is an emotion that is extremely charged with energy, and how you use this energy is also up to you, because sometimes you can use it in order to make some kind of change in your life. Well, for example, someone made a very unpleasant remark about your life or about your appearance, or even about your act and you could be very hurt by it. You can go into the state of a victim, sit and be angry with this person, call them names inside, or you can shake yourself and finally change something in your life, and the emotion of anger gives this tremendous energy. Of course, I’m not saying that you need to look for this emotion to give yourself some kind of jolts in life. I think that this is a rather painful emotion, although many people live and take steps in life precisely on the emotions of anger and pain. In fact, there is a lot of energy in our dark side, and from there begins the starting point and that springboard for jumping. Sometimes such situations are given to us in order to start a new life. For example, when a man left a woman, she got angry and hurt, but then she takes on herself, changes her life and puts herself in order. It would seem that this is a good result. But it could be done from a state of love. But that rarely happens. All power is always in those cases when we are directly pushed out of situations of the comfort zone. But since this painful situation happened, where you were very angry or very offended, take this potential of energy and direct it to something creative. Direct it to change the situation, yourself and your life. And every time you are in a similar situation and feel growing anger, remember that you are no longer a powerless, weak child who does not have the right to your word, to defend your boundaries. Now you have the right to it and this is your chance to take advantage of it. Calmly, without tension, but simply because you have the right to it and you will only be respected and set as an example for this. At least you will respect yourself for sure.
And at the end of this chapter, a few words for parents of teenagers. Anger, aggression in adolescents is always an absolutely normal attempt by a maturing personality to establish its boundaries, conquer its space, and, finally, push the controlling parents out of its personal space. And this aggression in a teenager is also manifested due to a sense of their own powerlessness, because at this stage of their life they are trying to get out of the state of a powerless child into the state of an adult. And if a parent is smart and wise, then they will not press the children and will not scold them or say: “I don’t need you like that.” You will not push them away, you will allow them to set their own boundaries and you will respect them. In this case, very soon their aggression and anger will pass. They will understand that their boundaries have been accepted, have been seen, and an understanding, trusting, warm relationship with their parents will be restored. But, unfortunately, often parents perceive such a teenage rebellion very wrong and with even more aggression than they themselves, and here an emotional war begins. And as a result, we get a broken relationship, a disgruntled parent, as well as a teenager who has not grown up. We also get an immature person, who then, I hope, will help themselves learn to build their own boundaries. And it doesn’t end there. As a result, this emotionally unexperienced outbursts, not expressed, so to speak, emotions will begin to poison their life. After all, our unconscious is an emotional child who, in fact, expects love and understanding from us.
Chapter 5. Touchiness
“Being offended and indignant is like drinking poison in the hope that it will kill your enemies.”
Nelson Mandela
Touchiness is an extremely interesting topic. I have already mentioned that, in fact, touchiness is a trait of an emotionally immature person. And when we talk about emotional awareness, age has absolutely no meaning. Because a person can remain in the children’s settings, programs and be immature until the end of their days. In most of my practice of working with psycho-emotional traumas, I can say that resentment go hand in hand and are derivatives of unexperienced emotions that affect life, poisoning life. And these people can live a long life, but at the same time not grow up emotionally, and continue to live in their pain without even suspecting it. And at the same time, you can meet a very young person who will be emotionally consciously mature.
Also, resentment is one of the basic emotional “columns” on which a negative attitude rests. After all, it is it that prevents you from achieving the success of harmony and inner balance. For the most part, this is the resentment that occurred in childhood in a child and where it experiences this feeling in a stressful situation or, say, in negative conditions for it. And what happens next: the repressed, experienced by it at that moment feeling overwhelms it. At that moment, it is not aware of it, but simply feels it, and then consciousness takes the next step. In order to alleviate, so to speak, suffering, it makes a decision about itself and about the world. Let me analyze this with an example so that it is easy for you to perceive this information. Let’s take one of the common situations so that you can see yourself here. A child is severely restricted in childhood and in case of disobedience, it is severely punished both physically and morally. At this moment, a surge of emotions arises inside it, they simply overwhelm it with a whirlwind. This is both anger at the father or mother and resentment against them. All this fell on the fragile shoulders of a child who did not understand anything. The child is terribly hurt. And the next moment, depending on the situation, its consciousness makes a decision to throw off this burden. It can be “Being silent is safe”, “Expressing your feelings is dangerous.” At this moment, the formation of the installation unequivocally takes place. It’s like a computer program built into your mind and it will work perfectly. And of course, these are the situations and circumstances that a person will have throughout their life. Here I made a small digression, which I am sure will help you understand yourself more and increase your awareness.
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