Бесплатный фрагмент - Silly Stories!

«Bunches of grapes» (all children who love to hug, «Jocks» (children who love to fall), little Chinese «ninjas» and other lovely children.

My first book in my life.

The fairy tale about where Dad is.

Your dad is a military man with ten stars on his shoulder straps. And his friend is the general of the most secret specials. services. One day intelligence reported that space aliens were attacking a beautiful girl. What do you think our brave dad would do?

He gathered the military, his entire company, put up water cannons and would beat up all of their myriad army, lined up on the block. And the aliens were the ones with a large third eye on their forehead. We saw them both the future and the past of any person on planet Earth. They saw what dad does with them in the future. And a flurry of water on their curves, but like human faces (so the aliens mutated from the earth’s atmosphere full of oxygen, since they have only carbon dioxide on the planet). And they all forgot the gas masks. Therefore, it was unpleasant and painful to all of them.

The aliens got scared very much and began to think: «What to do?» And they came up with the idea to kidnap your dad. They watched him in the Siberian taiga, where he went to earn money: for talking toys, a bicycle and various teddy bears.

And he was kidnapped on a «plate»: «Unidentified Flying Object». It looks like a star from afar. At night, you can look out the window and, perhaps, notice her movement across the sky. This is where your dad lives ever since. He is not released from there. And nothing can be done. Everyone says so, and so does the general.

The fairy tale for future policemen, about a monument to the Mermaid from Copenhagen

It was a long time ago. I don’t remember how many centuries ago in the glorious city of Copenhagen. There lived a gallant captain with a mustache and a vest fashionable from local manufacturers of the most fashionable vests in the city. He had a wife, a beautiful, clever girl. She loved to wait for the captain from his sea voyage. He used to sit by the window and arrange flowerpots with rose bushes. I picked up the curtains to match. With lace braid, I tied them with a bow. The whole Copenhagen was then aware: since the curtain was open and tied with a scarlet bow, then the husband-captain from his sea voyage would soon arrive.

But here’s the misfortune, out of place aliens (those that are «gray») sent a landing of mermaids on a «platter». We earthlings then did not know how to clone. And they are already in full. They also cloned the captain’s wife. No luck, she was stately. Arrives, then, a copy of the captain’s wife: just like that, you can’t tell! Looks, and there another is the same, well, at her house, where she thought to settle. They printed her address on a computer on a plate so that she would not forget, just in case, you never know. What to do? Does not know. It’s already dark, there’s nowhere else to go. Hunting to sleep from the road, to eat. She then knocked on the door. Nobody opens it. I got angry and set the house on fire. Fortunately, he was on the outskirts, closer to the wheat field. Everything in it burned down. And she herself went and sat on the seashore on a stone, sits and waits, therefore, for her husband: the captain. There is nowhere to go.

There, her people saw how it was getting light. And the local artist managed to sketch in the album and tell the local writer what he saw.

By lunchtime, the captain’s husband sailed, who was not aware of everything and no one told him anything. Came with a salary of course. On which he and the mermaid — his new wife, who also kept silent about everything that happened — and lived in a newly rebuilt house, on a salary. And when her tail appeared on the nerves: it was necessary to sew curtains and lace to match, now she had to go to the seashore calming down. And the artist painted it differently. Therefore, no one paid attention to the monument either.

Here is such a shame for the police in Copenhagen: which for a hundred years they have not been able to deal with the corpse of the ship’s captain’s wife! But she was a beauty, clever girl!

Don’t open the door for anyone

Caution! Don’t open the door for anyone, children! If they knock on it carefully, it’s as if it’s not audible: once, and then everything falls silent and only steps are heard going into the distance. Or, if they knock with unimaginable force, so that it seems that the door will immediately fly apart into a thousand small pieces! Proven repeatedly. The vampire is leaving. Usually, he is covered in blood and when he approaches you will certainly become ill, so it is possible, even, to faint. Do not be surprised, however, that many opened the door and saw a pretty girl in an airy white light dress, with a tropical flower in her hair.

She will definitely smile at you and say something cute, maybe. But when you turn away, she will immediately turn into a bloody ghoul! Red blood will flow from her nose and in the corners of her lips. When you look at her again, she instantly takes on the appearance of a pretty girl.

The vampire always comes unexpectedly. And never — following an agreement or schedule. So, if your friends did not warn you that they will come today, this is definitely a Vampire. To escape from it, you must sit still. For in various clever ways, he will try to get into your house, lie and get rid of, claiming unimaginable things — everything to be revealed to him. There are many cases when a vampire right in front of the door, stood on his ears, making a stand. And he could stand on his ears for as long as he wanted!

You still have to pretend that you are not at home. Walking on tiptoe, and it is better not to walk around the house at all, because the creak of the floorboards can give you away. It is also necessary to turn off the light and put the phone on «silent» mode and then there is a chance that the vampire will leave. And do not believe a single word of him! Everything he says is a lie!

Oh, someone is knocking on me now! I’ll go and check. Who is knocking at my door?

Statement

The statement that a certain Zara, and now Klara stole the corals from Karl, and Karl stole the clarinet from Klara is true. No doubt about it! Now that’s for sure — no! If not for these flowers that Zara drew, by which they determined that Zara was not Zara, but Klara, and stole the corals. According to the theory of relativity, provided that Zara is the very same Clara — all this is so.

Sadly, there is no end to Clara’s story either. For Karl, in revenge on a certain Zara, who is not a fact for him that there is Clara, stole everything else. They were mountains of coral and clarinets. And actually, Karl took only his own. However, Zara, being a girl with a whimsical and restless, very dubious reputation, categorically refused to understand what the matter was and invited the police, who undertook to assert all this with full confidence. However, not in the innocence of Zara, or Klara, or Karl, but quite the opposite — the statement was not at all that innocent character of talk about some corals there, but about serious issues of Karl’s theft from Klara or Zara and vice versa. Moreover, with the specification of the names of a certain thief Zara or Klara. Who stole from Karl, and maybe not from Karl at all — corals? And everything would have been exactly the same, if not for these, as it turned out, also stolen by this Zara-Klara, it is unknown and still not high in anyone — scarlet flowers. They are — the truest, according to the police, proof of what is happening. There is no doubt: Klara, who is not Klara, but Zara, stole the corals from Karl, and Karl most certainly stole the clarinet from Klara. And together they made more than one bandit raid. That’s all.

The fairy tale about bathing mermaids

They lived in the neighborhood of a village in a castle near a pond as a mermaid. The castle was large and beautiful, 4-storey, with openwork lattices, inlaid, hung with baskets of flowers. And it was called beautifully: «Palace», in a foreign way, of course, but quite fashionable.

Once the mermaids went for a swim. And, I must say that the mermaid ponds, like those near Moscow, are clean and quiet. Well, everything is as usual with mermaids: they dived, splashed on each other, swam on mattresses.

And a local village boy, about 18 years old, watched all this from the elderberry bushes (he went over the raspberry-berry, and he froze by the elderberry bush). They come out of the water, several. They sit at the edge of it, build sandcastles. Looks, and one has a black tail! «Dirty or what?» — he did not believe his eyes at first. And so, it really was. She sat down with her friends, which means building a castle at the edge of the sand. Ponytail there pranks and pays attention to nothing. As if everything is as it should be with the tail.

They sat with their girlfriends and went to their apartments. And in the village, since then, the tale has gone about the fact that mermaids have black and even… dirty tails.

St. Petersburg fairy tale

In the glorious city of St. Petersburg, in a communal apartment, lived a doctor and teacher by vocation: Boryusik and Zinochka. They loved to walk along the embankments of the Neva, relax under the pavements, watching the circles from the tourists’ coins disperse on the water, and then (when they leave) — dive after them. In the middle of summer, they went to the beach on the Baltic Sea, took crayfish and beer with them — they had a cultural rest.

Then Zinochka was fired from her job as a teacher, but Boryusik still held on and treated people in the emergency room. There was not enough money in the family. Zinochka began to miss beautiful dresses. Boryusik began to drink out of grief right with the patients in the emergency room! Zinochka was very good in beautiful dresses — they could not refuse!

In the evenings, they still walked along the embankments, and for the summer they were preparing an air mattress. Until one day, during one of either a swim, or counting circles in the water from coins thrown by tourists, the head of a green snake appeared from the dark waters of the Fontanka. It was already late and there were no tourists or passers-by on the embankment covered with frost. Nobody except Boryusik and Zinochka. Boryusik did not expect anything like this, was taken aback and grabbed Zinochka by the hand. The impudent Green Snake began to beat the dark waters with its tail. «What is Leslie?» — Boryusik did not immediately realize what was happening. Yes, it was too late to think! The monster dived into the canal and only a slight ripple of the water on the surface indicated that somewhere there, under the dark water column, something was floating.

So Boryusik and Zinochka met the Green Snake from the St. Petersburg Canal. Oh, God forbid anyone to see this! And even hear! Especially often the Serpent appears in the snowy winter, then the water in the channel became all white. He is still there. It cannot swim to Moscow through the channels.

About three civilizations

There are rumors in scientific circles that if there were no people as they are, there would be a Mole People Civilization. That would live underground, mainly mining fuel. Until they began to use the planet as a spaceship, too lazy to get out. They would fly in the Universe, aligning with other Suns. When leaving the surface of the Earth’s Sun without dark glasses, they would be blind. All around, in the ground and on it, there would be pieces of iron, there would be large, massive sculptures of it in parks.

There are also rumors in scientific circles about what would happen to people if Darwin’s theory and the development of mankind went wrong. They suggest the following about what would happen to people. There would be a Civilization of flying people. Evolution would have gone differently. The monkeys would grow wings. The men would have had monkey legs in their hair. And women would decorate feathers and wings with bows. They would build white round houses in the sky like nests.

And there are also rumors in scientific circles that the development of civilization could go like this. There would be a Civilization of people-fish, amphibians. They would turn the whole earth into a cluster of aquariums. Sometimes some of them would fight and they would die on land in cities.

Like this.

Preventive fairy tale about an Alien, for girls

In one anomalous area from the «star» have landed a troop of aliens. It was a long time ago, back in the USSR. One alien has landed, looks… everyone around you can see panties from under the dresses! «What is it? — she thinks, — the Soviet Union — nothing like that. "Does not understand. But she began to show her panties. Yes, she showed so well that she was invited to the casting as a model. She works, tries. There is not enough money, of course. An adult actress moonlights. Modified until it became super-mega famous and popular. And from her mouth, the tubes grew, so, outwardly nothing of the kind is visible, only the stomach is a little puffy sometimes, where they were not noticeably located in a calm state. She then killed all other models and actresses in a computer game with these tubes. And she brought her alien friends to the casting. This is how everything that you see alien became, the magazine «Cosmopolitan» appeared. And in it there are entirely some alien models (they are also adult actresses).

You girls can’t do that and don’t even try. Only aliens can. Here it is the moral of the tale — preventive.

The most amazing compensation for moral damage

Once, Nadezhda Nikolaevna went to court. Where she was denied a claim. And I had to go to a higher-standing court. Where she was also denied. And then to another. Where the same, the truth could not be achieved. Nadezhda Nikolaevna despaired. She did not want to eat, drink, did not read her favorite constitution and the Civil Procedure Code, did not want to read the International Legislative Acts. However, she did not like to read them before. She only went to that place on the hill, which was considered an anomalous zone, where UFO ships often landed. I wandered for a long time, picking berries and forest flowers. She made bouquets of flowers, and delicious jam for tea from berries, which has already passed winter.

Once she was pensively sitting on a tree stump and twirling a piece of paper in her hands, which was incomprehensibly found in the pocket of her coat (from some court session). And then I went home.

The next day, already approaching her favorite stump, she suspected something was wrong. The blades of grass along the path lay neatly arranged in rows, in a circle and pattern, and my head ached a little. There was a rainbow over the hill, but there was no rain. But despite all this fabulous nonsense, she reached the stump. And under it I found a mountain of gold ingots, they were laid like bricks in even rows, and Nadezhda’s eyes went up in surprise. When (and this took not a month) Nadezhda handed over the gold she found to the bank and bailed out the money for it, the amount turned out to be exactly what she claimed in her claims, with all zeros.

Here is such an amazing compensation for moral harm.

The tale about three stotinki

The girl Sophie lived in the town of Nessebar. Sofia had a grandmother, as old as this city and also loved birds like a statue at the bridge in front of the fortress. Once, grandmother gave Sofia three stotinki because she did not have enough for ice cream, with joy, of course. Sophie went to a cafe and ate ice cream beside herself with happiness, since she was in an adult cafe for the first time in her life. Sitting at a table in a cafe, Sophie dreamed of how she would grow up and sit here with her husband. And then the thought came to her mind: «How does she know that he is her husband?» Perhaps, Sophie thought, to put him to the test by arranging a test? Sophie considered. In the evening, she counted the seagulls outside the window for a long time, trying to fall asleep to see Him in a dream or a test for Him.