Бесплатный фрагмент - Intertwined Fates

Ariana Bazhenova. Intertwined Fates

«Deeply he felt love in his heart — it was like a wound — yet at the same time he felt that this wound had not been given him that he might wallow in it: This wound was to be a radiant blossom»

Hesse G. Siddhartha

All events and characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.

Part 1. Flame

Chapter 1. Destination — Saint Petersburg

Cities grow like forests, like weeds. Petrograd did not grow. It was born finished and complete.

Petrograd is not acquainted with nature. It was the work of man. Nature makes mistakes and takes chances; it mixes its colors and knows little of straight lines. But Petrograd is the work of man who knows what he wants.

— Rand. We are the living. 1936

I immediately realized that this was a dream.

Leaning my forehead against the cold glass of the porthole, I watched the huge white wing of the plane cutting through the thick gray clouds.

«I wonder where we’re flying to?»

«What do you mean where, girl? To Moscow, of course!» I heard a voice in my ear.

I shuddered — apparently, I didn’t even notice how I said it out loud.

I continued to watch the sky, endlessly stretching before my eyes. And suddenly I saw a golden stripe on the horizon. It was expanding more and more, filling with amber colors. I squinted and suddenly realized what the stripe had turned into — a raging flame.

«A fire? Here, in the sky?» I shuddered in surprise and pressed myself into an uncomfortable chair, continuing to watch the phantasmagoric spectacle in fascination.

«Well, what are you surprised about?» — the voice next to my ear continued, as if it really was reading my thoughts directly, but for some reason I couldn’t turn my head and see who it belonged to. — After what happened to you, you can’t be surprised at anything at all.

I froze, trying to figure out how best to answer so as not to look stupid — after all, I didn’t understand at all what they were talking about.

— What happened to you? And you don’t remember? — the voice sounded even closer, getting into the very depths of the soul. — I can read minds — and so can you. Have you forgotten? I understand — a broken heart is a trauma worse than a concussion. Psychological trauma can completely cut off the path to memories.

— A broken heart? Psychological trauma? — I frowned, trying to remember at least something — but my head was foggy, as if the past had never existed at all.

I made a sharp jerk and… saw a young man in an elegant business suit. The firelight was already playing on his face, reflecting in her expressive brown eyes, looking at me from behind her glasses. The flames were playing on the thin gold frame and… on his ring on his ring finger.

I looked into his eyes and held my breath, feeling my heart pounding with horror.

— Forgive me… — I whispered with dry lips, as if I had known this man for a long time.

— You forgive me. If I hadn’t broken your heart, you would never have decided to leave St. Petersburg for Moscow — and it was your dream!

I closed my eyes, feeling hot tears rolling down my face. And I began to mentally pray to invisible forces that the plane would reach its destination, to a new life, faster than the fire and painful memories of the past would overtake me.

***

The plane’s landing gear touched the runway of Pulkovo Airport. A couple of minutes later, a huge sign on a bright board became visible in the window: «Welcome to St. Petersburg,» standing out sharply against the bright cloudless sky.

«I can’t believe I actually did it,» I whispered.

The day in St. Petersburg was just beginning — the clock showed exactly nine in the morning. But I had already been on my feet for a long time: the flight from Novosibirsk took four hours, and I got up early to have time to check my things, have breakfast with my family, and pet my old cat for the last time. Our journey to the airport was silent: everyone felt that attempts to dilute the silence with casual chatter were inappropriate, and very soon the plane would take their daughter away from her parents and carry her to the other end of the country.

I got off the plane and stepped into the labyrinth of wide glass corridors of the airport. It was as if my soul was under anesthesia. What should you feel when you take your first steps in a new city, where you moved all alone? Excitement from the sea of possibilities that open up before you? Or sticky fear, confusion and lack of support? I remembered the last hugs, the farewell to my parents five hours ago. «We are proud of you,» they said quietly. My father, who gave his life to military service, holding a high position in the regional administration, did not give vent to his emotions and looked at me with calm joy. My mother, usually an iron businesswoman, could not hold back, and hot tears streamed down her cheeks. «I will miss you,» I whispered back to them and went to board the plane. As soon as I turned away from them, tears streamed from my eyes, which I quickly wiped with my sleeve. I picked up my luggage, took the handles of a heavy suitcase with the bare necessities for the first time and went in search of a taxi that would take me to my new home — a small apartment on the outskirts. The airport was filled with an unusual noise and hum of many voices, crowds of people flashed before my eyes, and I, awkwardly making my way with my suitcase between the groups of meeting and arriving passengers, squeezed towards the exit, trying to find my taxi. When the yellow Ford was found in the buzzing hive of cars, I exhaled contentedly, preparing to finally enter a new city and a new life.

Outside the car windows, high-rise buildings that were unfamiliar and unusual in their scale for me flew by, wide highways flashed by. I was no stranger to moving to a new city on my own. I had lived alone since I was seventeen: I went to study at a university in Novosibirsk. Perseverance, the ability to aim and achieve what I wanted, combined with flexibility, observation and strong intuition helped me to «put down roots» in the new soil without any problems, but only for four years.

I closed my eyes and plunged into sweet memories. The end of August, the warm, viscous honey light of the sun. I was standing on the porch of the dormitory with a suitcase in my hands and watching my parents’ car drive away, then I went in the door and climbed the narrow stairs to my room. A turquoise closet, sixteen square meters, one table, two closets and two bunk beds — and four first-year girls, so different in character, who had yet to get used to each other and learn to get along together. In the next room lived noisy boys — after a few months we became friends and were inseparable, spending evenings at each other’s, doing homework, cooking dinner in the shared kitchen with antediluvian stoves, chatting about life, supporting each other. Comfort did not mean much to us then, on the contrary, it was in these «Spartan» conditions that the strongest friendships were formed. We were all torn from our families, hometowns, immersed in a completely new environment and intensive study all day long — common trials brought us closer. Within the walls of the Novosibirsk University, surrounded by a spacious landscaped grove, in these ancient corridors to this day reigned the spirit of respect and the desire for knowledge. On the walls of the main corridor hung quotes from the Latin anthem of students — «Gaudeamus», carrying from antiquity the tradition of respect for knowledge and science. This city and the university existed in contrast: the slow and measured flow of life, cultural heritage, ancient architecture were amazingly combined with the stormy student life. For four years I gnawed at the granite of science, comprehended the basics and subtleties of psychology, worked hard to get myself all sorts of awards and increased scholarships. And at the same time I was learning life lessons: first love and the thrill of meeting his parents, my first job on weekends and between classes.

In my free time from studying, I did not disdain all sorts of work, so a tidy sum of money, earned by hard work for a bright future, flew with me to St. Petersburg. «I would have stayed there, but I need to move on, there is still so much interesting in the world. After all, I’m only twenty-one,» — this positive thought summed up all the bright years of my student life, I opened my eyes and again began to watch the landscapes of the new city.

I did not make it to the diploma ceremony in Novosibirsk. I defended my graduation thesis on mythology and archetypes in modern psychology with excitement before a strict committee. The topic is not the most common in the scientific academic environment of psychologists, but over the years of study I recognized that I was drawn to look deeper, behind the curtain of scientific experiments and theories. Knowledge of human psychology was not enough for me — I wanted to feel their character, motives, to foresee their actions. I found the answer in more ancient knowledge — mythology, where it was clearly visible what forces can move people, why they act in one way or another, and this has not changed for centuries — from the moment myths appeared to this day. That is why I used to sit late within the walls of the ancient university library, in the anthropology room, leafing through ancient works that shed light on the myths and secret knowledge of different peoples of the world. The committee accepted my work that day. But I didn’t share with anyone that I was increasingly drawn to studying magical practices that allow you to see and do much more. By the time I graduated, I had learned a lot from old publications about how magic works, but I couldn’t figure out how to apply this knowledge. I won’t lie — since childhood I noticed how my words and even thoughts almost immediately came true, and I understood that I had unusual abilities — for example, to sense the future and see prophetic dreams, but I still couldn’t control them, and for many years I drove them deep into the subconscious.

The way from the airport was long. The monotonous flickering of summer landscapes outside the window lulled me. I slightly closed my eyes, and childhood memories immediately appeared in my head as bright pictures.

— Mom, Dad! — I, who had celebrated my fifth birthday a couple of months ago, ran into the spacious living room, my eyes sparkling mischievously and tightening the elastic band on my long blond ponytail. — When will the snowstorm stop and there be sun? I want to walk with you!

— So cast a spell! — Mom shrugged jokingly. — That’s what I always do. Do you know how?

— How? — I tilted my head to the side with interest, looking at her with wide eyes.

She came up to me and squatted down, smiling broadly. I looked impatiently into her bright blue eyes, wanting to know how to drive away the snowstorm.

— Clench your fist. Imagine what you want: how brightly the sun shines, and you can walk and slide down the hill. And unclench your fist, as if sending your wish into the air. Like this, — she nodded contentedly, watching as I squeezed my little hand with all my might and squinted, imagining a bright sunny day.

Then I suddenly unclenched my fist. And after that, the sun shone in the sky for two weeks without a single cloud.

My parents taught me, either as a joke or seriously, small witchcraft pranks — and after about five years I began to foresee many things, and wishes spoken out loud often came true almost immediately.

There was only one thing I never learned from them — love. At first, I thought that love was something that was earned through merit, and seeing disappointment in their eyes because of the fours in the diary, I began to bring only fives, and then — more and more victories in Olympiads. But even this stopped saving me — and I was losing ground, not understanding why another excellent mark could not guarantee their love and acceptance.

— I just opened and read your letter, which you asked me to send to your friend in another city, — the formidable figure of my mother hung over me, sitting on the sofa with my head down. — What are you thinking about? What passion for music, what boys? At your age, you should be thinking about studying. You should be ashamed of yourself!

My father stood next to me and nodded silently. At that moment, they were both against me. Everything inside was seething with anger. I was vulnerable. I trusted my mother with a request — and she unceremoniously opened my personal letter for a friend, full of girlish experiences and secrets, and shamed me for who I am. How can I devote more time to studying if I already study all day? — Where are you going to hang out with your friends? You are ungrateful! We have done so much for you! Don’t try to ask us to buy you something or help you anymore! — Mom would shout resentfully when I asked her to let me go to a cafe with my friends.

And I tried to understand. Honestly. All seventeen years. But neither the beginnings of magical abilities nor common sense could explain to me how to get my parents’ love, how to relax in their presence. Success at school, certificates, medals and scholarships no longer saved me.

Did my parents love me? Judging by their words — yes. But this love suffocated, burned, plunged into tears, demanded in return to give up myself, my freedom. Something inside told me that love can be felt differently. It must be something warm, unobtrusive, sparkling and warming, supporting in difficult times.

— How strange. I want love, but I’m afraid. Maybe now, when I’m already seventeen, I’ll be able to run away to another city, meet my loved one there? I’ll be able to forget about what was happening at home, and everything will be different in my family! — I said to my reflection with a sad smile, looking at myself in the mirror in my parents’ apartment before stepping out the door with my suitcase and leaving for a dorm in Novosibirsk.

…The car suddenly jumped on a bump. I opened my bleary eyes, looking out the window in confusion. Endless green fields gave way to dense rows of brick buildings. We stopped at one of their entrances, and the driver cheerfully turned to me:

— We’ve arrived!

I nodded to him, got out of the car, took my suitcase and looked around. A square of a yard, enclosed in high brick walls of houses, a new playground. Mothers with strollers stroll leisurely along the sidewalks, older children play in the sandbox, old ladies chat about something on the benches. Even though it was not like what I imagined when I moved to St. Petersburg — I could not see Palace Square or English Embankment from my window. Well, a quiet area on the outskirts is a great place to get used to a new city.

Having dragged my suitcase into the small apartment that was to become my new home, I exhaled tiredly and sank down onto the wide sofa. Bright rays of bright sun unceremoniously penetrated the apartment through the windows — at this time in St. Petersburg there was an abnormal heat. I quickly looked around the daylit dwelling — a studio with a small, modest kitchen, a glass table in the corner, a wide sofa and a wardrobe. That’s all I might need for the first time.

I slid off the couch and opened my suitcase in search of a towel and shower gel — I wanted to wash off the traces of a long and tiring journey. But then I discovered a lot of unnecessary things — a couple of books on psychology, a jewelry box… Obviously, I was packing in a hurry. Right after defending my diploma, I came home and started packing my suitcase, and a couple of days later I flew to St. Petersburg — I couldn’t wait to start working for a large IT company and build a bright and successful life, leaving gloomy Siberia behind. Six months before graduating from university, like most students, I was faced with the ugly truth: the labor market does not wait with open arms, and it is completely unclear where to go without experience. The naive ideas that a career will somehow start on its own, which calm you down at the intoxicating moment of admission, completely dissipate by the day of graduation. After graduating from the psychology department, I clearly understood that I wanted to continue working with people, and was determined to leave Siberia in search of a more interesting life. Fortunately, an advert for an internship at one of the St. Petersburg IT companies came across on the university website in time — and I immediately took advantage of the chance and applied.

…I climbed into the shower, letting the cool streams of water wash away the fatigue after a long flight and the unexpectedly tiring St. Petersburg heat. You need to get used to it. In just a couple of days, a job at a large IT company awaited me, a pure humanities student. With a diploma from the psychology department in hand, I could only do an internship in the marketing and advertising department — and this interested me. I couldn’t wait to find myself among smart and inventive people working on new technologies.

Although the world of complex formulas and technologies was inaccessible to me, I was always desperately drawn to this environment. Almost all my school friends were studying to be programmers, engineers, designers, and I envied them whitely, realizing that they would be doing important work for humanity in their offices and laboratories. I thought that I, a humanities student, had no way into their world, a mysterious world — also magical in its own way. But as soon as I saw the logo of the IT corporation where I was supposed to work, a premonition awoke inside me — someone was already waiting for me there, and I had to go quickly.

But who could it be?

New friends? Mentors? Or love?

I got out of the shower, wrapped my long blond hair in a towel and sat down at the table in the corner of the room that served as a kitchen, dining room and bedroom at the same time. I pulled a cup of invigorating mint tea closer, looked out the window at the quiet courtyard and tried to collect my thoughts. But they stubbornly returned to the recent past, which I so wanted to leave behind, and thought that the wings of the plane would reliably carry me away from it.

Since my youth, I was able to foresee certain events. So at the age of seventeen, I already saw in my dreams and clearly imagined what my first love would look like, and one glance and a couple of phrases between us at the university were enough for us to recognize each other’s souls without a doubt. My foresight did not fail me a few months ago either. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, calming my aching heart. On that winter day, the sun was shining especially brightly, we were chatting with a young man who had already become a groom, and laughing heartily, but even then I clearly knew that this was our last conversation. I looked into his expressive blue eyes behind the glasses, listened to his low voice, and my heart was filled to the brim with light sadness from the realization of the inevitable.

A few days later he wrote to me that he had decided to break up, because «I have more ambition than he does,» and he had no intention of moving to St. Petersburg with me.

That evening I slid down the wall, sobbing loudly and desperately trying to pinch myself to wake up and understand that it was a dream again, and not even a prophetic one. I lit a cigarette right there, sitting on the floor and not finding the strength to even go to the window. The remaining months before flying to the «city of angels,» I lay in bed, practically without getting up, watching the heroes of the next TV series with a dull gaze.

And then I made an effort, defended my diploma, packed my things and flew away to meet a new life. Maybe happiness awaits me here, in this gloomy city?

***

I tried not to pay attention to the power that allows me to sense many things and fulfill small desires with the power of thought. My parents passed on to me everything they knew. I also learned a lot from the old books in the university library.

But I really lacked a wise mentor who would help and teach me how to manage this power. During my youth, I had several strange episodes. People immersed in various spiritual teachings and practices showed great interest in me, but they only wanted to talk — no one offered me their mentorship, no one took on the task of teaching me. Once I worked part-time on weekends in a bakery, and I had the chance to work side by side with an elderly woman, cheerful beyond her years. In her cunning eyes, framed by wrinkles, a mischievous sparkle danced — she definitely knew more than others. She had a complicated history — according to her, she came from an old Indian family and had shamans and healers among her ancestors, but the growth of cities spares no one, and her parents left their native settlement, cutting off their and her path to secret knowledge. But the woman did not give up — the stories of her grandmother were deeply imprinted in her memory, and then from the right books and from like-minded people, she managed to collect information on how to control her power bit by bit.

One day, we went out for lunch together. Suddenly, she grabbed my wrist and nodded towards the open door of the warehouse, where no one could hear us. Her high voice and gesture were clearly impatient.

— We need to talk. Literally five minutes, — she blurted out

I nodded carefully, and we entered a dim room filled with boxes. She turned to me, and her dark eyes sparkled with strange energy and impatience. I looked at her with interest, trying to maintain composure and a polite smile on my face.

— I saw how they treat you, — she blurted out with poorly concealed anger. I understood — she was talking about the incident when my boss, who was not particularly smart, was passionately teaching me how to live, and I, as always, listened silently so as not to get into a conflict and do everything my way again. — You are a special, strong person. I have only met two people like you in my life, and I have had a long life.

I thoughtfully lowered my gaze, waiting for him to continue. The fact that they called me special caused mixed emotions. Probably, «special», «chosen» are beautiful epithets for Hollywood blockbusters, but in life it feels different. You are simply different, and if you do not learn to manage your features and strength, then you will live a senseless life, trying to avoid yourself.

— Only I see and feel that you do not know your strength at all and do not know how to manage it, you suppress the fire inside, trying to be like everyone else. It’s a pity that you obviously weren’t taught how to work with energy and magical practices in your time, otherwise you would now be more confident and would be twisting reality as you please, — she shook her head. — Now you will have to study it on your own, but you will cope. You have a lot of power, and people will always be drawn to you as a source to pump it out of you. You need to learn how to use your energy… to kill in order to protect yourself.

Interest flashed in my gaze. Despite the fact that her words could sound strange and even frightening, I understood what she was talking about. A lot of people have always been drawn to me, and I quickly became exhausted from their attention, so I learned to become «invisible» on an energetic level — usually I went into my thoughts and ceased to exist here and now, and they stopped touching me.

— I was younger than you when I killed you with my energy for the first time, I just smeared you on the wall. I was eighteen then. And you are already nineteen. Learn, the sooner the better! — She nodded again in confirmation of her words, looked me straight in the eye and pulled me towards the exit.

This episode now, two years later, was still vivid in my memory. According to her, I had to find my own way into the world of magical power. But how to do it?

Fortunately, a few months ago I suddenly felt that I needed to buy Tarot cards. Many people in Siberia were interested in the topic of magic and fortune telling, and finally I also decided to delve into this topic. As soon as I got my hands on the box with my first deck, unpacked it and began to shuffle it, a strange warmth and calmness spread through my hands and body. I learned to read the layouts almost immediately — and now I turned to them in moments of doubt to expand my understanding of the situation.

And yet, if only I had a mentor here in St. Petersburg!..

***

I immediately realized that this was a dream.

Making my way through a curtain of thick gray fog, I walked along a leaning concrete fence topped with barbed wire. In the distance, a black flock of crows circled in the air. I lowered my eyes and jumped slightly in fright — every step I took ignited the dry grass. I looked back and saw that the field behind me was engulfed in flames, but most of the grass had already turned to ash.

There was no point in running — it would only make the fire worse. I made my way along the fence to the entrance and saw a gate, behind which… a small marble temple was white, with a flock of birds circling above its dome. Looking around in fear and seeing flashes of fire engulfing everything around, I froze for a moment, doubting whether I should step onto the low steps of the temple and burn it down.

«Don’t be afraid. Get up. Your fire cannot harm the stone,» I heard a high voice from behind the front door.

With a sigh of relief, stepping onto the white marble, I got up and walked inside, passing a high arch. I squinted slightly, and when my eyes got used to the semi-darkness, I made out three figures in the white rays of the sun, calmly drinking tea at the table and chatting about their own.

«Who are you? Why are you three?» — I asked in a trembling voice, feeling the cold of the stone floor with my bare feet.

— We were waiting for you. Now there will be four of us — and we will help each other, — said a stately woman in a black robe and leaned forward slightly. I caught a barely discernible German accent. A ray of light outlined her delicate features and soft light hair. — I will guide you and lead you to where your fire will burn away everything unnecessary.

Before I could utter a word, a second man — tall and thin — moved towards me. The light did not pick out his features, and he remained in the shadows; I only saw a gleam of the thin frame of his glasses.

— I am completely confused.

I immediately realized that the high voice I had heard at the entrance belonged to him.

— I know and see a lot — in science, but I am blind in life. I do not know where I am going. I want your fire to light the way and warm me. You and I have known each other for a long time, but I am afraid to approach you, — he extended his hand to me from the shadows, and white light fell on a thin hand, on the ring finger of which a gold ring sparkled. — Save me. Find a way to me. Your fire does not burn in this temple of science — we must escape, but it is scary to leave the familiar for the unknown.

I looked at the hand with the ring, fascinated, and barely leaned forward, feeling a strange trust in this man. And I felt a closeness to him, enveloping me like a warm blanket, covering me with a wave. As if we had really known each other for a very long time.

— And she? — I pulled away with an effort of will to nod at the girl standing with her back to us. — What does she want?

I squinted and saw the same light hair as mine. She turned her head halfway, and I saw the dull look in her brown eyes — almost as dark as mine.

«Her fire doesn’t guide me anymore. She doesn’t want to leave here, from the familiar walls, nothing inspires her anymore. I… now it seems to me that I confused her fire with yours a few years ago,» the man continued a little more quietly, but I saw that the girl, remaining motionless, continued to listen. «Help me see, help me warm up, help me break out of the walls and escape into the unknown.» I involuntarily took a step back and glanced at all three of them.

«I will help you,» the stately woman in black continued. It seemed that this voice was used to giving orders that did not tolerate objections, but with me she was unusually gentle. «Trust me. I will take care of all of you. We are waiting for you…

…I reluctantly woke up, feeling the rays of the pale Petersburg sun on me. I lazily opened my eyes, looked at the gray walls of a completely unfamiliar apartment, turned on my side on an unusually hard sofa. And only a few moments later, almost falling asleep again, I abruptly opened my eyes and finally woke up. I realized that now I finally live in the northern capital. Ahead was a whole long summer day to explore a new city that I had only heard about before.

***

I jumped up briskly, had a quick breakfast of scrambled eggs with black coffee, and, having fished a light linen sarafan out of the depths of my unpacked suitcase, began to get ready. Household chores could wait — first I wanted to take a walk in the heart of the city — on Nevsky Prospect. I wanted to believe that we would become friends with this city.

The heat in St. Petersburg was special — the sun’s rays penetrated the air saturated with eternal moisture, creating a real bathhouse on the streets. I got out of the metro, squeezed through the crowd, and looked around.

Here is the heart of St. Petersburg! In front of me towered the exquisite Singer building with a ligature of metal lace on the roof, crowned with a bizarre ball. And as soon as I turned my head and glanced along the Griboyedov Canal, all sorts of statues and ornaments on the facades of brightly colored houses spread out before me in all their beauty. Finally, my gaze stopped on the richly decorated Church of the Savior on Spilled Blood, huddled in the cramped space between the wall of the house covered with construction mesh and the high fence of the shady park.

I took out my phone, aimed the camera and took a photo — it turned out slightly blurry due to my pleasant excitement. «Beauty! People from all over the world come to see this city, it is depicted on all the postcards,» I thought, pressing the photo button.

But suddenly a shadow of doubt flashed in my heart. «Stop! It is so beautiful! Why do these landscapes not evoke emotions in me?»

Memories of how I walked along the bright and noisy avenues of Moscow and looked in enchantment at the tall glass skyscrapers flashed before my eyes, and my soul responded with a surge of strength. But how is this possible? After all, I wanted to move to St. Petersburg so much! And now I feel nothing?

— I thought that we would become friends. I wanted to come here so much. But I feel a little uncomfortable, — I shrugged my shoulders in confusion, mentally addressing the city.

And it was as if I heard a response from gloomy Petersburg in my head:

— I’m not your friend. But I have something to teach you.

I shook my head slightly, driving away the obsession.

I was fired up by the idea of moving to Petersburg back in childhood, when my friend Katya and I and other kids from school went here for a week on an excursion. Accustomed to a small town, we were enchanted, as if in a dream, floating along the narrow streets of Petersburg, and the city seemed endless. Then, succumbing to the ardor of youth and the intoxicating feeling that life was just beginning and before us was an endless sea of opportunities, we decided to go to study in Petersburg after school. Time passed, youthful promises remained in the past — and now I am standing here, but no longer surrounded by friends, but alone. I ran under the awning of a summer veranda of one of the cafes, sat down at a table, ordered a glass of apricot cocktail with ice and looked around. In such weather, exploring the city from the shade turned out to be a good decision.

— Kira, are you in St. Petersburg yet? How was your flight? Can you send me a photo? — a message from Katya (she preferred to call herself Kate), a childhood friend, a capricious hurricane of energy and emotions, appeared on the screen.

Back then, at school, we wanted to go to St. Petersburg together. And now she lived in Moscow, having moved there a couple of months before me, and we supported each other during this difficult period of adaptation. I knew that Kate and I would always be each other’s support, no matter what happened.

I sent her a few photos from the canal embankment and put the phone away, immersed in my thoughts.

«Will I find peace here?» flashed through my mind.

In Novosibirsk, at one point in my life, I felt anxiety to the fullest. Of course, for many, ghosts and other mysticism were just interesting stories to tickle the nerves, but I was closely connected to the world of supernatural sensations. The apogee was living in the same apartment with a ghost. An area on the outskirts of the city, famous for its crime, an old hostel, completely permeated with the smell of garbage, with cockroaches running around the entrance — and in it my small dark studio, which I rented for pennies.

It’s a pity that I ignored the casual phrase of the landlady: «For some reason, no one stays here for long.» And after a couple of weeks, I already understood why. Four months later, when long scratches appeared on the walls, and the next night my fiancé and I had small cuts on our stomachs in the same places, I realized that it was time to move out urgently. A hastily made and inept ritual of cleaning the premises did not help either — it only angered the spirit, which drove away all the residents, as I was told by a characteristic knock on the walls, a flashing shadow that knocked a napkin off the table, and short-circuited lamps. At that moment, the blood froze in my veins, and I, freezing for a moment, immediately grabbed my suitcase and flew out of the house like a bullet, sitting at the station for three hours waiting for the train.

Returning from my parents in a small town not far from Novosibirsk, I immediately informed the owner of the apartment that I was moving out, and never came near that damned area again. A little later, I learned from a neighbor that someone had hanged themselves or been killed in that apartment a long time ago. «This is a one in a million case, you were just unlucky with the apartment,» my loved ones reassured me, and I promised myself that from now on I would only live in new buildings — just in case. This would reduce the risk, because asking the owners directly if anyone had been killed in their apartment would obviously be strange.

But the time had come to turn the page of life. What could await me in gloomy Petersburg?

For some reason, an image of fire appeared before my inner eye — a guiding torch that illuminates everything around, a cleansing element, transforming, burning the old so that something new can be born in its place.

— What do you want to teach me? — I mentally threw the question into the air, addressing it to the bright walls with columns.

— I am a place where the past meets the present, and where people discover the impossible in themselves. I know you have it too, — I heard the answer in my head again, shook my head and began to hurriedly drink a cold cocktail. ...and yet, I’m in St. Petersburg! Having looked again at the photo of the postcard-like landscape, I uploaded it to my psychology blog, which I’ve been running for five years now. It doesn’t really matter what I think about this city now and where I really want to be. Let my subscribers, parents, and close friends be happy for me. And even my ex-fiancé, who still follows my news on the blog after the breakup.

Thinking about him, I smiled sadly. I believed that we could overcome everything together — and I suggested that we move to a bigger city together, but he refused, deciding that he couldn’t leave his parents, and in Novosibirsk, according to him, he had his own interests and ambitions. He was a gentle person, but he remained adamant in his decision, despite my persuasion and arguments. Rose-colored dreams and rainbow pictures of family life, a shared cozy apartment where it was always warm and the sound of little feet could be heard, ice skating with the whole family were shattered by this short: «We are not on the same path.» It was not easy for both of us to make a decision.

I could have stayed with him, but between my personal life and my career, I chose the latter. Perhaps, the fact that between work in a big city and my family I chose the former put a careerist stamp on me in the eyes of others, but in fact I still believed in pure and sincere love… Maybe it was somewhere here, in St. Petersburg? When I remembered today’s dream, goosebumps ran down my back, and a strange warm feeling ached in my solar plexus — a desire to talk to the people from the dream again as soon as possible, as if I was sure that they really existed.

Coming out of the shade of the veranda, I went out to the bridge, decorated with statues of gilded winged lions. And she thought, admiring them.

There were never any problems with work: intelligence, hard work and common sense helped me quickly gain authority wherever I went. Alas, the qualities that ensure success in a career do not help at all, and often even hinder in my personal life. Attracting, igniting passion and tenderness, building deep mutual understanding and trust — the habit of working hard, firmly defending my position did not help in any way. But this habit allowed me not to hide behind other people’s shoulders, but to boldly move through life, fulfilling all my desires myself. «And love? The right person will not go anywhere, we will meet at the right time in the right place and get to know each other, no options,» I summed up my thoughts, eternally moving in a circle and leading to the same conclusion. All that remained was to be in the right place at the right time. Something told me that this would happen at work. On my first working day, I put on my dress white blouse and long black skirt and set off briskly. I got off the bus at the nearest stop and walked along a tight row of old gray buildings, using the navigator as my guide.

After walking for half an hour under the scorching sun in my new sandals, I finally noticed a tall business center building surrounded by an old concrete fence. I straightened my blouse and skirt, smoothed my long blond hair, tousled and wet from the long journey, and proudly stepped into the checkpoint.

Flags fluttered solemnly in the light breeze near the glass administration building. Everything seemed so new and… promising! At that moment, I wasn’t even embarrassed by the barbed wire on the slanted concrete fence, the shrill screaming flocks of crows, and the barking of a guard dog.

The first time I entered the small office where I was supposed to work, I saw my colleagues — young girls smiling affably, introducing themselves and vying with each other to tell me how they had been waiting for me and how many interesting things were waiting here. Their smiles echoed inside with a pleasant and warm feeling. «I’m definitely here,» I thought.

«Kira, this is your place, sit down. Here’s your laptop,» my boss, a smiling woman with long red hair, nodded to me.

Gradually, day after day, I got into the work, mastering all the basics and subtleties along the way. At first, I was given the task of conducting a marketing analysis of the market — studying competitors’ websites, media articles in the field of IT developments, then — to offer my ideas for a content plan. From the first day, I understood the importance of this work — it was not enough to write a program, it was necessary to strengthen the company’s brand, increase people’s trust in the products.

There was a special atmosphere in this IT company, almost in the city center, but behind an old concrete fence. Addictive, encouraging you to forget that there was a noisy metropolis just around the corner.

The work really did add up — there was a lot of it, and there was no chance to get bored. But it’s unlikely that my stay there was limited to business tasks. Here, as in any team, either from boredom or curiosity, the boundary between work and personal life became shaky. My colleagues found out early that I was single, and began their favorite pastime — matchmaking. «Our top management is always concerned about this issue and actively promotes the creation of couples,» the boss said jokingly, seeing how I, still very young, smiled confusedly and embarrassedly, blushing deeply. I considered interference in my personal life from the outside and advice like «take a closer look at this or that» hardly acceptable, but perhaps this was just a generational difference.

In addition, that dream about a burning field, a slanted concrete fence and a white temple of science would not leave my head. I felt such a strange closeness to the mysterious figures in that dream, and the place was strikingly similar to the IT corporation where I found myself now. But maybe these were just fantasies against the background of excitement about moving and a new job?

And so, involuntarily looking at the many men walking along the floors of a glass office building, and thinking for fun, «is it him or not him», a couple of weeks later I saw… him.

My heart jumped. A large shiver ran through my body as I watched, helplessly standing in the spacious hall of the administration, as a man on the street walked past a glass wall, immersed in his thoughts. That same tall, slender figure — like from a dream! It seemed that he was not at all hot on this stuffy summer day in a strict blue jacket and tight trousers. His shock of dark hair was carefully styled into an elegant hairstyle, revealing shaved temples, and a light stubble was barely visible on his face. The bright sun danced with golden reflections on the thin frame of his glasses, behind which his expressive brown eyes shone slightly warily, and… the ring on his ring finger sparkled.

Suddenly, I felt a warmth flare up in my solar plexus, like a fireball, and gradually rose up to my chest. I didn’t know this man at all, but my whole body was striving towards him, as if we had known each other for a long time and even been close. How was this possible?

Feeling my heavy, intense gaze, the man turned around for a couple of seconds and looked straight at me — but I knew that he hadn’t seen anything from the street in the reflection of the glass wall. After which he disappeared around the corner, taking a pack of cigarettes out of his inside jacket pocket as he went, and I remained standing there, breathing intermittently from excitement.

I knew who it was. But for some reason, only now, seeing him in person, did I feel his energy and understand: this is definitely the man from the dream. But where are the others, the other two women?

Yes, I’ve already seen him in photos, and more than once. Lev Aleksandrovich. How could I not know the face of the company and the main developer? It was worth opening the newspaper, turning on the news, looking at the honor roll — he was everywhere, telling about his success story or commenting on the development of new software.

I never thought that fate wanted to immediately drag me into the thick of things! And this after a very recent break in engagement, when it seemed that only a miracle could heal a crippled heart. Now I felt a strange confusion — thoughts were feverishly mixed up in my head, and the smooth floor was trying to disappear from under my feet. I did not understand how the appearance of one single person could excite me so much?

«A miracle? What a task for you, Kira Konstantinovna. And how can I work now, when I know that at any moment I can meet this man, and you will be thrown into a fever again?», I smiled awkwardly and shrugged my shoulders, returning to the office.

And before my eyes were already mixed pictures of fire, marble and three mysterious figures from the dream, the sparkling reflection of the sun in the water surface of the ocean, the shine of which imperceptibly turned into the glow of a gold ring on Lev’s finger.

That same evening I did not go home, but practically ran past the quiet brick courtyards. «I can’t believe it! Why am I drawn to him in particular? He’s married. This is some kind of mistake,» I thought.

As soon as I got home and took off my shoes, I immediately sat down on the carpet and began to search through my unpacked suitcase for the Tarot deck. I quickly learned to read the past, present and future in the ancient signs, and from then on I always turned to them for advice.

I needed answers.

«Does something await us in the future with Leo?» I whispered the question to the deck.

My hands shuffled the cards, and blue «shirts» flashed before my eyes. Finally, four cards fell out on the hard pile of the carpet. Burning with excitement, I immediately turned them over and recoiled. Who, if not me, would not know what they mean?

The Two of Cups, the Knight of Swords, the Queen of Wands and the Moon were looking at me.

The Two of Cups depicted a young man and woman against the backdrop of a bright cloudless sky, a spacious meadow and a small house in the distance.

The Knight of Swords symbolized a man, young in spirit, sincerely passionate about his work and ready to get into any argument, but not too attentive to the feelings of others. This is what people of science are usually like, those same «eccentric scientists» for whom the truth was more important than relationships with others. Looking at the card, I felt that Leo was exactly like this in character. And I already knew his character even before we exchanged at least a few words.

Looking at the Queen of Wands, I smiled warmly. Oddly enough, this card always meant me in layouts — a woman of the element of fire. Such a woman knew how and loved to set goals, make plans and not deviate from them under any pretext. Be that as it may, today in the layout this card points to me again, and, therefore, the appearance of Leo directly affects me.

The last was the mysterious Moon card — it has always been a symbol of night, mystery, hidden from prying eyes. This is the subconscious and magical abilities. And also, since ancient times, the moon has been a symbol of betrayal, a secret relationship, committed far from prying eyes, under the cover of night.

And this means that… The answer from the cards looked at me in its undisguised clarity: both Leo and I will be glad to meet, we will find mutual fulfillment and harmony next to each other… until something inevitable happens under the Moon.

Chapter 2. The First Sparks. The Knight of Swords and the Queen of Wands

And how frightening it is to discern it

In a yet unfamiliar smile.

A. Akhmatova. Love. 1911

Foreseeing you, as years are passing by —

Your image is unchanged in my perception.

I cannot bear the lucid, blazing sky,

And so I wait — in love and in dejection.

A. Blok. 1901

Time passed, and I skillfully coped with the new job, enthusiastically shouldering a multitude of tasks. I still had to complete an internship and receive an invitation to stay to work at the corporation, but I was not at all worried and plunged headlong into the work of building a marketing strategy. Everything was going great.

But there was one «but».

Several hundred employees of the IT company were divided into two categories for me: Lev and everyone else. For everyone, I had a polite smile in reserve. But every time I saw Lev, something inside me turned over, and soon this inexplicable feeling crystallized into a burning sensation in the solar plexus. At the sight of him, I seemed to throw off the shackles of a familiar waking dream and look into the face of life itself, bright and sunny. But when I looked at him, my soul felt someone very close, an equal — spiritual strength, a thirst for life and a sharp, inquisitive intellect in this elegant, feigned silliness of a young man.

And yet, every time I looked at him and felt that we were about to say hello and start talking like old acquaintances, he silently passed me by. And I looked away in disappointment, biting my lips.

Although, was it worth it to allow such thoughts and let them settle in my head? After all, the sparkling ring on my finger left little doubt. It was strange why, when I thought that I was late and we had not met earlier, when he was free, I felt as if my chest was being squeezed by a heavy stone slab. But what was the point of hiding my feelings from myself?

I had a presentiment that we were drawn to each other in spite of everything. But what would come of it? However, it was too early to talk about it. There was a lot of time ahead. A new city, a new place of work and even the inevitable feeling of falling in love… All this inspired and lit up the lights in my eyes. I wanted to start living differently, to become better, purer in my thoughts. I wanted to share my light.

One hot summer day, I decided to practice managing energy, which I had partially succeeded in doing before. The day began with me riding the bus on a stuffy morning, gliding my gaze over the greenery floating by and tuning into the energy of a positive attitude towards life. I wanted to show the world light and love — to other people, to work, to this new city for me.

If in the morning I managed to enter a state of love and joy, then at work Leo immediately appeared in my field of vision, every now and then making me shudder with his appearance. I just silently smiled at myself and this pattern, which could not be a simple coincidence.

«This is a good sign,» I thought. But I didn’t understand what to do with him next.

On one of those sunny days, I was standing in the hall of the checkpoint, shifting from foot to foot and waiting for them to write me a new pass. I knew that Lev went out there every now and then for a smoke break, and I would be glad to see him this morning. And this time, when I was training to control the energy of joy, he instantly appeared next to me.

I raised my frightened and surprised gaze to him and met his eyes. I silently opened my mouth, as if the words themselves wanted to escape, but I froze in numbness, not knowing what to say. Lev lingered his gaze on me for a couple of seconds, frozen, with my mouth slightly open in surprise, turned away and went outside. I lowered my eyes, feeling myself blushing deeply.

And this happened every time. When he passed by, I embarrassedly looked away, turned away or imitated vigorous activity on my smartphone. And only then did I raise my eyes, watching him as he left. At such moments, my gaze slid over his graceful, thin, tall figure in a blue jacket. And when he turned around, I could see his graceful, refined profile in the sunlight, adorned with a thin frame of glasses. Everything about him, every movement spoke of intelligence, subtlety and ease of nature, and also — that this was someone, as if close to me and very vaguely familiar. I was confused and at the same time attracted by the halo that surrounded the figure of this man — his photos adorned the hall of the administration and calendars, an interview with him adorned the entire spread of a fresh newspaper, and when he appeared, people respectfully greeted him and whispered. And me? Who am I? Yesterday’s student, today’s intern, young, but already with a wealth of experience behind her. A girl who has no name or authority here yet — only sparkling eyes, a sharp mind and a willingness to work long and hard.

Besides, he is ten years older than me.

In a newspaper interview, he told me that he once taught the basics of programming at the university. How many ordinary young students like me have passed through his hands? Their faces, flashing before him for many years, eventually turned into a faceless stream of people. I can’t even imagine how I could interest him — and this thought made the stone slab on my chest feel even heavier.

I can’t fight this burning warm feeling for Lev, the sudden desire to surround this person, familiar and unfamiliar to me at the same time, with care.

***

On the day of summing up the results of my cohort’s internship, I was feeling a little nervous. My doubts had not completely dissipated — would they offer me to continue working at the IT corporation?

Several guys, other interns, and their managers sat around a long white table. There were a few empty seats next to me. And then Lev entered the room. I had no doubt about his appearance — hardly any project could do without his participation. My heavy gaze of hazel eyes involuntarily passed over him and lingered for a moment again on the ring that sparkled in the sun. Feeling a slight prick in my heart, I quickly turned away and began to study the interns’ presentations on the screen.

Here came the most exciting moment — the announcement of those who received an offer. I involuntarily grabbed the smooth armrests of the chair with slightly sweaty palms, leaning forward. My heart began to beat faster and faster. — Kira Konstantinovna, congratulations, you have successfully completed your internship, and we invite you to join our team! — the host announced solemnly.

I leaned back in my chair, breathing a sigh of relief. To the sound of loud applause, a wide smile spread across my face, a whole mountain fell from my shoulders. An entire period of uncertainty is behind me! I am staying in the corporation. But for how long?

Suddenly, a vision appeared before my eyes, which first came to me at school, and after that, for several years dormant in the back of my subconscious. Senior classes of school. Kate and I are sitting at a desk in a computer science class. She, usually a person of celebration, is writing code with concentration and enthusiasm. I can already see her in a modern office, testing a new program.

— How I envy you, Kate, — I smile thoughtfully. — You will be useful to people. And where to go for me, a humanities student, is not yet entirely clear.

I was drawn to her world. I clearly saw offices with many flickering blue screens, and people working intently behind them. And I saw myself next to them — certainly in a black business suit, as I consult them with a smile, and they listen to me, although I understand nothing about programming and, in general, the exact sciences. How is this possible?

And today, several years later, the answer has been found. I have become a part of this world of science. Fate did not hide anything from me — it immediately showed me a picture of the life in which I would find myself, and led me to it along clearly verified paths — I did not even have time to look back, as I found myself in place. So, this is not a mistake, I am where I should be, at the time I need to be — and is it possible to be otherwise?

The weekend after summing up the results of the internship seemed especially bright. A difficult test has been passed, a new stage of life has begun. Isn’t that great? Wasn’t it interesting work that brought me here from Siberia? And yet, it seemed to me that this explanation was insufficient — some other reason brought me to this city.

The weekend after summing up the results of the internship seemed especially bright. A difficult test had been passed, a new stage of life had begun. Wasn’t that great? Wasn’t it interesting work that brought me here from Siberia? And yet, it seemed to me that this explanation was insufficient — some other reason brought me to this city. The sun was scorching and blinding, flooding the ceremonial facades of houses and emerald lawns of parks with light. I went out to the embankment and stopped, leaning on the heated stone parapet and watching the wide blue flow of the Neva.

— Petersburg. I wonder why I really came here? — I thought, watching the small waves running into each other with a hypnotized gaze. «Finish the business of my past life,» flashed through my mind, as if it was not my thought.

I perked up, already looking around the noisy embankment and the buildings decorated with stucco, like cream roses on a cake, in a new way. And suddenly it seemed that in this city, about which I had heard so much and to which I had moved with such zeal, I was beginning to feel hard and uncomfortable. It would be fair to me in its desire to teach me something — but it would hardly be welcoming.

***

A couple of weeks later, nature showed mercy, and the heat left St. Petersburg, giving way to a cool wind. That day, thick gray clouds ran across the sky, reflected in the mirrored glass of the administration building. I was standing at the checkpoint, busily tapping my foot and listening to the beeps on my phone — the designer who was developing a poster for our advertising campaign stubbornly did not want to get in touch today. His face froze in his usual concentrated expression — frowning eyebrows. And then I noticed Lev coming out from around the corner of the building and approaching the checkpoint.

We were completely alone on the street. This silence and the barely noticeable rustle of the summer wind oppressed me. Instead of an instinctive impulse to hide, to turn away, I was overcome by a hypnotic desire to stand still and not move. I froze, silently watching his tall, graceful figure in a jacket approaching step by step, an expression of extreme thoughtfulness reflected on his thin face with a light stubble and in his expressive brown eyes behind his glasses.

He froze for a moment and looked into my eyes in surprise. I should have turned away in embarrassment, as I always did before. But I couldn’t move, not blinking, looking into his eyes and feeling how hard my heart was pounding, echoing in my ears. It seemed to me that I saw in his eyes how he overcame the emerging embarrassment. Finally, he himself took the first step and nodded to me cautiously. I responded with a slow nod of my head, and he walked on quickly. As soon as he disappeared, I could not hold back a wide smile.

It happened!

The first timid contact, the first sparks that flashed, which I treated very carefully. Half an hour later, I was walking briskly back to the administration. Entering the spacious, cool hall, I froze again — behind the glass of a small partitioned room, Lev was standing with his back to me, typing something on the printer. As soon as I entered the building, he immediately raised his head and turned to follow me with an interested look.

Now there was no doubt — he was looking at me on purpose. Goosebumps and a wave of strange warmth ran down my spine from the waist to the top of my head. I straightened my shoulders and proudly, as if nothing had happened, walked past. There was no doubt — the first spark had not gone out.

That same night, this spark flared up with a strange heat that engulfed me. Pictures of today appeared before my inner eye and some strange confidence that was born inside when our gazes caught and intertwined. Confidence that this person and I would soon become close and that this was already destined by fate.

I was restlessly tossing and turning in bed, unable to fall asleep from the flood of energy that had washed over me. But damn it, could fate really be playing such a cruel joke, bringing me together with an unfree man? Could this be part of her plans? Or am I missing something? The one who wrote the script for my life definitely likes the tragicomedy genre.

Over these couple of months in St. Petersburg, something inside me has changed. And today, unable to fall asleep on a dark night in an empty apartment, I was left alone with these changes. I had no choice but to look them in the face.

«I can’t do this and give free rein to my nascent feelings. We can’t do this together, it won’t lead to anything good,» I thought frantically, wrapping myself in a thin blanket and looking into the dark emptiness of the apartment. But through these thoughts, a certainty, terrifying in its calm, broke through from somewhere in me: «This is fate. We will be together. After all, people can find their love in any circumstances — even if they are already in a relationship with someone, but feel that they are ready to move on to a new stage of life.» Until the morning, a strange heat in the solar plexus and a desire to look into those eyes again did not allow me to close my eyes — the body knew something that I did not.

But in the following nights, the heat and the desire to solve this riddle turned into a real hunger, twisting the body and not letting me fall asleep. The thought pounded inside — I need to do something quickly, I can’t wait any longer!

One night, I suddenly opened my eyes, feeling something broken and sore in the chest area, a lump in my throat, and the thought echoed in my head: «He’s already married. I didn’t have time. How can I come to terms with this?» Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes, and I fell back into a dreamless sleep that held me tightly in its bonds.

«Who are you?» I whispered into the darkness of the room, realizing that I knew and didn’t know this man at the same time.

From the point of view of common sense, this seemed like nonsense — but for me it was of great importance. I kept this secret until I was able to solve it.

***

The feeling that kept me awake at night sometimes came to me in the daylight, not giving me a chance to let go of the strange attraction to Lev.

One day, while going through the media archives, I accidentally came across an article from last year, where Lev gave an interview about a business trip to Chile. «You again,» I smiled kindly.

Lev was telling how he went on a business trip to a subsidiary IT company, helped build the management of a project to create jobs for local students, and traveled in his free time. He especially liked volcanoes — the country’s calling card and, as it turned out later, a symbol of his character.

At the end of the article there was a note: «Lev. 30 years old. Single.» The article was two years old. I grinned. This phrase bordered on humor and hopelessness — who and why thought it necessary to publicly announce that he was single, and most importantly, for what purpose? Was it really so important to arrange his personal life, and so difficult that after the article I had to give a kind of «announcement»?

These methods caused me unpleasant surprise, but they were the norm here — everyone knew everything about everyone, and there was no personal life — it was a common matter. These attempts to interfere in the personal were disgusting to me, and I immediately felt that they were unpleasant for Lev too, because he had an inner core and independence of spirit. Despite his outward openness, he did not allow anyone to get into his soul.

Looking at the printed article and Lev’s photo against the background of the logo of the Chilean subsidiary in confusion, I mentally addressed him with a confidence that frightened me: «You didn’t wait for me, you got married. And you could have been patient for another two years. Was it really so difficult?»

But, considering these thoughts strange, I quickly drove them away. «What am I thinking about?» — quickly flashed through my head. ...Another warm summer day was drawing to a close. My colleagues and I walked out of the glass box of the administration. The sky was a soft peach color, the wind gently slid across my skin. I felt the pleasant weight of my favorite earrings with dark green stones framed by cubic zirconia, which I got from my mother.

All the employees were gathering at the checkpoint. Hundreds of people, unfamiliar, tired faces. And then my gaze caught Lev in the crowd. My eyes radiated a soft light of enjoyment of the warmth of this evening. We exchanged glances. He, like last time, was slightly surprised, and goosebumps ran down my spine again. A smile of timid hope touched my lips, and I smoothly walked past without looking back. But I was sure — he remembered me.

That same evening, I called Kate to find out how she was doing. I wanted to distract myself from the fatigue and the pile of things to do at work, and the strange feeling that I was losing control after meeting Lev. Who would bring me back to reality if not my childhood friend?

— Kate, hi! How are you doing since moving to Moscow? Do you miss Siberia or have you already found yourself a new company there, or even admirers? — I said cheerfully, exposing my face to the gentle rays of the sun and squinting slightly.

— It’s not easy, of course, but that’s normal when moving to a new city. I really like it here! Will you come for the New Year? — I heard the chirping of her joyful voice from the phone.

— Of course, I will! — I nodded eagerly. — Will we celebrate together?

— Yes, so far I have no one to introduce you to, and my heart is free, — I heard her laughter, warming my soul, and I involuntarily smiled broadly. — By the way, Kira, I recently went to look at the social networks of your corporation. I wonder where my friend ended up! You do such cool things! And I also looked at the last post — you have such handsome boys in suits there! To your taste, by the way. Who is that?

There was only one boy in a suit in the last post — I looked into his eyes today. A strange feeling of heat came over me: «He, him again, even now.» Fate teased me and smirked, throwing out signs, it pushed me to action, but what to do and why, I did not yet understand.

— Well, it’s a complicated story, — I blurted out ingenuously, still not finding the right words. — I will definitely tell you, a little later. Don’t be angry with me for intriguing. I myself am no less intrigued by the situation.

Feminine soft power, the ability to attract and ignite interest — maybe this is what the Universe expects from me? Controversial… I have always lived with the feeling that I do not have feminine strength — there is simply strength, asexual and ethereal strength of the soul and intention, complementing clarity of mind and allowing me to confidently move along the waves of life. I have always been a reserved and collected person, my flirting and charisma were peculiar — I opened up only to the man with whom I had communicated enough and whom I began to trust.

But so far there have been no contacts or dialogues between yesterday’s intern in the marketing department and the head of the scientific center for software development.

To tell the truth, I was not at all sure that a man like him would pay attention to me.

Fate set me an interesting task, as if it wanted to show that it believed in my strength, and at the same time tease me, showing the unreality of a momentary fulfillment of desire.

I could not help myself — I collected the scant and brief moments of his attention to my person like pieces of a puzzle. I could only sense what kind of picture I was collecting — a picture of spiritual attachment, trust, cooperation, kinship of souls and even passion — but to see all its pieces of the puzzle seemed an unrealistic task to me. Until the silent glances and polite nods in the hall of the administration and near the smoking room pulled towards the declared picture, and I kept asking myself the question — am I going crazy and is it time for me to stop?

Will a relationship with a married man lead to tragedy and broken hearts? But for some reason I could not stop — as if I was sitting behind the wheel of a car that had already picked up tremendous speed, and all that was left was to carefully watch the road. A few days later, my colleagues and I were late and left the checkpoint after most of the employees had already left, and a crowd of four of us walked to the car. The sun was shining brightly, the Friday workday was behind us, and an evening corporate party at the bowling alley awaited us — a reason to relax, fool around, and get to know each other better. I sat in the front seat of the car, looked up, and with a gasp saw Lev near the empty checkpoint: he was standing alone, in his elegant gray coat and glasses, gracefully leaning on a long umbrella, and smoking. My heart sank slightly, and I involuntarily leaned forward. He always smoked alone, away from everyone else, silently, and it was clear from his expressive brown eyes that he was deep in thought. My heart was flooded with sympathy: why do you, so smart, open, bright and charismatic like the sun, so often close yourself off and stand alone?..

Now I was looking at him from behind the slightly dusty windshield with a smile on my face. Our car was parked a little further away from the checkpoint, but I saw how he was looking at us with interest in return. At us? Or at me?

We started moving and slowly drove past: I continued to look at him, he calmly, but with slight interest, looked at me point-blank — our open play of glances continued, causing waves of goosebumps. Finally, we turned onto the highway and drove away to burst straight into a promising Friday evening. And I added another small puzzle to the overall picture, again feeling the heat in my solar plexus.

My colleagues and I reached the bowling alley, took our seats and ordered a glass of beer. Still feeling a bit awkward in front of my new colleagues, I smiled and took a sip of the cold, bitter drink — after a couple of minutes, my body relaxed, and I leaned back in my chair, smiling cautiously and listening to the conversation.

— How do you like Eva Schwein, our marketing director? Our boss. She was at the internship defense, — one of the girls turned to me.

I remembered her — a stately, tall woman with long blond hair, sitting at the jury table. She watched the interns closely, squinting, from behind her round glasses and made notes in a notebook, occasionally inserting comments. A German accent was clearly audible.

— I can’t judge yet. But it seems to me that she knows her business, — I shrugged. — I respect professionalism in people.

— You’ll soon become a professional yourself, — my friend sitting next to me patted me on the shoulder encouragingly. — I saw how skillfully you analyze the market and look for advertising sites. This is definitely your thing!

I was a little embarrassed and lowered my head — it was difficult to evaluate myself in a business I had never done before, but the words of experienced colleagues echoed in my chest with a pleasant warmth.

— True, it is difficult to judge Eva Schwein unequivocally, — one of the girls continued after a little hesitation. I raised my head and looked questioningly into her bright blue eyes. — Everyone knows the story of Marina Voikova.

I leaned forward with interest and nodded. She took a sip and continued — her slightly faster speech showed her excitement at the conversation on this topic.

— Marina worked in our department, she is now on maternity leave. And she met her husband, Nikita Voikov, in a very interesting way. One fine day, Eva Schwein called her good friend, the operations director, and brought up the fact that she had a very nice girl in her department — Marina, but she was not married.

Suddenly I felt a burning interest in this story — the situation of this Marina, whom I had never seen in my life, for some reason seemed close to me.

— And what happened next? — I drained my glass in one gulp out of mild excitement.

— Together, they organized a business trip for them and Nikita Voikov, a technologist, to Chile, where we have a subsidiary company. They really did start a romance there, and now they got married. Now Marina is babysitting their child.

I didn’t even notice how I finally relaxed. My lips stretched into a wide, sincere smile. My colleagues trusted me and told me this ambiguous story that could cast a shadow on our boss.

— What’s wrong with that? They helped to unite hearts. Since they were both free…

— Kira. Nikita was married, he had a child with his ex-wife. He got divorced, and the next day he and Marina had a wedding.

The cold gaze of the icy-blue eyes of the storyteller caught on me, waiting for a reaction. What should I feel, how should I respond? Condemn them and Eva Schwein? But, contrary to expectations, hope blossomed inside me — it meant that everything in this life was possible. Lev’s interested look, which he constantly cast at me at work, appeared before my eyes, making everything inside me turn over.

«An unusual story,» was all I could squeeze out.

«I find this matchmaking disgusting. And the operations director later mentioned how ashamed she was that she was dragged into this story,» the colleague answered her own silent question with poorly concealed disgust.

I lowered my gaze to hide my interest and hope, and nodded towards the game track.

«Maybe we should start playing?» I suggested to my colleagues.

Today I learned something very important for myself.

I have never spoken to Eva Schwein in my life — but maybe she will help me one day?

***

The alarm clock easily pulled me out of my sleep. I opened my eyes and smiled — 5 am. A cloudless sky and a new day were being born outside the window. By this time, the heat and hunger that came to me at night when I had visions of Leo had become quite noticeable — something was gnawing and burning me from the inside, not letting me fall asleep, literally forcing me to take some step… but what?

Today, however, I slept soundly, and now my soul was ringing with lightness — from the knowledge that something important was about to happen on this warm September day. Besides, today is my birthday! I began to get ready, enthusiastically fluttering around my small, stylishly furnished light studio. Half an hour later, I exhaled contentedly and went to the mirror.

An elegant girl looked at me with glowing hazel eyes from under thick eyelashes. I tucked a light wavy lock of hair, still hot from the curling iron, behind my ear, put on hairpins and picked up the bags with cakes and wine standing in the hallway. Might as well dress up — a birthday only happens once a year!

A picture flashed through my head — me, a fragile girl in high heels, standing near the checkpoint with bags, and then Lev appears, and, like a true gentleman (which I had no doubt about!), gallantly offers to help me carry them to the office. «It’s 7.20 now, by the time we get there it will be 7.45, and at this time he’s just smoking near the checkpoint before work. He can’t help but smoke. And, like a true gentleman, he can’t help but offer his help to me — especially since there’s already a special connection between us, I saw it then, in his eyes… So, it’s decided,» I thought, gripped by fever and only vaguely aware of the naivety of my assumptions.

I jumped into a Mercedes of a colleague who agreed to give me a ride to work on this holiday, and we set off. I was shaking from an exciting premonition of something important, and a strange hunger could no longer remain a secret hidden in the basement of the subconscious, coming at night and forcing me to experience these visions. It pushed me to take action with all its might. I smiled at my reflection in the side mirror of the black Mercedes. Today I look great, today is my day, my holiday, and I trust my colleagues enough, although I have not worked in the corporation for very long… This will be the right decision — it’s time to act.

— Angela, I have a purely female question for you… Will you help?

Angela squeezed the steering wheel in surprise and smiled. She was not one of those who easily immersed themselves in conversations about relationships and gossip, she felt confident on the sidelines of these topics, touching only on the necessary ones. — Mommy, I’m scared. Come on!

— Remember, you once asked me if I liked Lev… Okay, you figured me out, — I smiled sheepishly, but since I had already started talking, I had to finish the question. My throat went dry. — You said it so confidently. Do you know this man? Can you tell me anything about him?

— I don’t know much, — she answered without a hint of a smile or mockery of the young girl’s feelings, — very smart, gallant. If I were to interact with him, then through joint scientific projects.

— Alas, he is married, — I blurted out, remembering the ring I had seen on him and secretly hoping that I was wrong and that he wore the ring for some other reason.

It seemed to me that Angela worked longer than me, so she should know everything about everyone, and she would definitely tell me that I was wrong.

— Yes? I didn’t know. It often happens that such people don’t stay alone.

I dropped my shoulders. It was as if a heavy stone slab had fallen on my chest again. But inside, in my solar plexus, there was still either a premonition or knowledge that everything was just beginning, despite my restless thoughts that Lev and I getting closer would be something wrong. I smiled. In the small towns where I lived all my adult life, relationships with married men were not exactly taboo, but no one talked about it openly.

— It’s your choice, and you know what you’re getting into, — she continued calmly after a few minutes of silence. — I was in such a relationship myself. Eight years… He didn’t tell me anything. I accidentally found out that he had a wife and two children, but it was too late. Now he’s gone, — she continued too calmly and dryly.

I looked at her. How much time and effort did she have to spend to recover from this episode of her youth? And did she recover completely?

— Yes, you’re right. But how did it happen to you? — I switched my attention to her story and redirected the conversation. I wanted to know more about the person I work side by side with.

Her words surprised me. I remembered the words of my boss a couple of months ago: «Here, in our „temple of science“, such passions boil… Here, families break up!» These words then became for me like a trigger, slightly loosening the shackles of my doubts. Apparently, the attitude towards love triangles and adultery was calmer here. There was no condemnation, fear or gossip when this topic was brought up in conversations.

We drove onto a sandy road and drove up to the security point. I looked at the smoking room from afar, secretly worried that we might not meet in time and my calculations would have misfired. But no, he was standing in his old but elegant gray coat, smoking, smiling and chatting with colleagues about something. His face was still adorned with his unchanging light stubble, complementing his image of a scientist completely captivated by some idea.

Once again, I could not take my eyes off him, which seemed heavy from the outside, and, without looking away, I looked at him from behind the car window. He could not help but feel it and turned his head towards me, looking into my eyes — we locked eyes for a few seconds, a little longer than expected, continuing to play our strange silent game. I noticed shades of fatigue and bewilderment in his eyes. How long would we cast glances at each other, and who would make the first move?

The car stopped at the checkpoint. He headed for the entrance, but froze, watching our car. I opened the door, elegantly sticking out my foot — the stiletto fearlessly stepped onto the dirt-covered road. I walked around the car in a businesslike manner, took out two bags of treats and headed for the entrance — all this time he stood and stared at me. We exchanged nods. «Come on, offer the lady a hand,» I thought with slight displeasure, because this was happening at odds with my morning script in my head.

I continued to smile broadly and with a graceful movement of my wrist lifted the heavy bag to offer my wrist to the guard to take my temperature.

— Happy birthday, I presume? — the guard asked cheerfully.

— Yes sir, — I smiled.

— In that case, congratulations and all the best!

I thanked him warmly, paused for a moment — after all, I expected to hear congratulations from behind my back, but to no avail — and went into the hall of the checkpoint. Feeling that he was following me, I stepped aside, feigned fatigue, put the bags on the floor and caught my breath — as luck would have it, bottles of wine hit the floor with a loud, characteristic sound.

— A bust! — I heard a cheerful, slightly hoarse voice behind me.

Turning around, I saw Lev looking at me, leaning over the bags, and smiling from ear to ear. I was embarrassed, and he silently turned away from me.

His sudden remark made everything inside me boil — he had been looking at me silently for weeks, didn’t know how to start a conversation, and now it happened, he found a reason to talk to me! Even if it wasn’t the way I imagined him.

I calmly picked up the bags and walked through the turnstile, demonstratively stopping at the door and putting them on the floor: I’ll wait for Angela, but I still won’t deprive you, Lev Alexandrovich, of the chance to help me carry the bags, so be it.

I stood there, quietly tapping my heel on the floor tiles, and watched as he approached the post to take the keys to the office and make an entry in the journal. Two forces were fighting inside me: that same hunger that keeps me awake at night. And the voice that was now frantically whispering to me. He said: «Something needs to be done, something needs to be done, the ice has started to melt, you can’t just stand there silently!» There was also human common sense, which didn’t allow me to break the silence and couldn’t find an explanation for it.

A lump rose in my throat — I desperately wanted to continue the dialogue, but he didn’t say anything himself and still didn’t offer his help, so I continued to stand there in confusion and wait for the weather to change.

— What’s your name? Have you already taken the keys? — the security guard sitting at the post asked me, catching my gaze over Lev’s slightly shaggy head.

I perked up.

— My name is Kira, the marketing department. Yes, I gave it to him yesterday.

I pronounced my name syllable by syllable, trying to make it sound a little louder than usual — just loud enough for Lev to hear and understand the name of this mysterious girl with whom he was exchanging glances. He took the keys, turned around, froze for a moment in confusion, looking at me, and hurried away. I sighed in disappointment, barely audibly. «He didn’t behave like a gentleman, of course,» I stated, and then another colleague picked up my bags and carried them to the office. I smiled gratefully and trudged after him.

In the office, my colleagues were waiting for me with joyful cries and hugs — smartly dressed, cheerful, young girls who handed me a bouquet of my favorite fiery orange roses. We began to busily set the table, prepare snacks from the products we had brought. When this was finished, I poured red wine into plastic cups, and we stood in a tight circle.

Less than three months had passed since my move to St. Petersburg, and I realized that, apart from my colleagues, I essentially had no one here. I glanced at the girls, their eyes shining with joy: they vied with each other to wish me all the blessings that a girl who had recently crossed the threshold of twenty years could need. The boss, a smiling woman with a thick shock of red hair, raised a toast:

— I wish you to find true female happiness!

Many in our company were aware that a young and lonely girl had come to visit them. As usual, this did not go unnoticed, given the genuine interest in someone else’s personal life, which was considered the norm here, but repulsed me. Against my will, «matchmaking» seriously became an interesting activity for my colleagues.

I indulgently smiled at these attempts to joke. My «one-room» heart was already taken. Lev unceremoniously registered there, who today did not think to help me carry the bags.

If everyone around me is so concerned about the status of my personal life and thinks they can judge what is going on in my soul, who and why I might be interested in, I will play along. I will lay my cards on the table a little and introduce new variables into this game.

By this time, the alcohol had already soaked into my blood and hit my head, painting a wide smile on my face, energy and a premonition that something was supposed to happen today were still raging inside. And a strange attraction to Leo did not let me sit still. It was decided — we will act further. I playfully adjusted my curly locks, turning to the boss, who wished me female happiness:

— And I already have a candidate. Do you mind if I consult with you?

Her face showed genuine surprise — she did not expect this answer, and we agreed to discuss this issue later. By that time, we had established mutual sympathy and trust.

Meanwhile, a carefully cut cake was brought from the next room. I leaned over the candle in the shape of the number 22 and prepared to blow it out, making a wish. What could I spend my only whim of the year on? On this day, the Universe will definitely hear me.

So be it, I will swing at a crazy dream, I will try to pluck from the sky a distant star, shimmering with a cold light. In any case, I have nothing to lose. I plunged into the relentlessly haunting premonition that my paths with Leo would soon converge by the will of fate. I felt how a feeling of strength was born in the solar plexus and how my body was filled with a strange warmth, causing tingling in the fingertips. A mischievous spark flashed in my eyes.

«I want Leo to confess his love to me!» I mentally sent a wish to the Universe, putting all my energy into it, and blew out the candle. This wish seemed completely strange and impossible to fulfill. Why on earth would a married head of a software development department and an authoritative scientist confess his love to a girl who is ten years younger than him, who recently flew to St. Petersburg and has nothing to her name yet?

So, on my birthday, I really did wish for the love of this unfamiliar and at the same time seemingly long-familiar man. I smiled — I felt that the Universe heard me. It was easy — after all, I did not expect it to come true, but immediately let go of the situation, resigned to the unreality of the wish. The Universe does not like when something is expected and demanded of it.

A passionate and strong desire gives birth to its shadow in the soul of a person — the fear that nothing will work out. Desire and fear fight and simultaneously extinguish each other’s energy — therefore, the Universe does not receive a clear signal to fulfill the cherished dream. I put all my energy into a single desire and let it go without fear and expectations. And I will be pleasantly surprised if it comes true in strange and unknown ways for me.

— What did you want to ask me about? — the boss came up to me after we finished the festive meal, gradually began to clean up and return to work.

I went to a secluded corner in the already deserted hall of the administration and hesitated for a moment, clasping my hands tightly from excitement. Is it possible to share such things with the boss?

— I wanted to ask you about one person, — I exhaled and blurted out: — I like Lev Alexandrovich.

She looked at me again in surprise. Of course, I already understood that, despite Lev’s authority as a scientist, he could communicate with many from the position of a confused and detached person, creating the impression of a mad genius, not of this world.

Tarot cards and heightened intuition have already allowed me to understand his character. Leo loved to shock people, to provoke their emotions with crude jokes, to tear off their masks, to find their sore spots and to tease them deliberately. In work matters, in the realm of intellect, he felt free and confident, indiscriminately throwing himself into intellectual duels, quickly thinking and cutting the Gordian knots of complex problems on the go — a real Knight of Swords. But in real life, he often retreated in confusion, like today. He hastily put on his masks, which he had recently tried to remove from others. And I felt how much he missed the Queen of Wands for the pair dance — a bright personality, confidently looking forward and dashingly maneuvering between human passions and intrigues. Such a woman looks into the very essence of a person’s soul, bypassing all masks and images. Maybe that’s why I immediately saw behind this «strange scientist» a whole and honest person, a pure, bright and familiar soul, ready to flare up with the fire of mutual interest and love. But he will hide this fact for a long time behind indifference or jokes, sometimes rude, and only the wise gaze of the Queen of Wands into the very heart of the Knight of Swords will not allow them both to go astray.

— Kira, he’s married! — the boss frowned, abruptly tearing me out of my romantic dreams.

She turned to the window — as soon as I mentioned Lev, he walked past us on the other side, down the street, as always, carrying some documents and happily waving his hand at us. I smiled back, and a wave of warmth flooded my heart. She continued:

— He’s married to one of the employees, Christina… You know, it’s much more difficult to take away a married man, think about it.

I had already bowed my head, preparing to shamefully confess my sympathy for a married man and promise to refuse to think about him, but her words left me stunned.

So, after all, there is hope?.. And yet — how can I think about such a thing?

— Oh, I see… It’s a pity, — I tried to portray sincere surprise and disappointment at this news, as if I was hearing it for the first time. Now the hope that the ring on the ring finger was just an ornament, a tribute to fashion or a symbol of something else had definitely disappeared. I took a deep breath and quickly put on a polite smile.

— Thank you for the conversation. Then it’s time to get back to work.

I returned to my desk and immersed myself in work. I had a difficult task ahead of me — to find TV channels where top management representatives could give a speech about the importance of developing a new generation of programs. And to prepare a press release.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea, in my opinion, sparkled in my head. The development directly concerned a new project for the development of software for safe industrial production in Russia, and no one could give me more valuable advice on the search than Lev. I could not hold back a joyful smile — a little more, and I would have shouted: «Eureka!»

Our story, no matter how you twist it, should begin today — it has already begun with a comment at the security post. And now I will take my step forward, marking our communication with a business start — together we will discuss the strategy of the presentation, which I can offer to the channels.

I am so beautiful today, the wine is so intoxicating, my table is decorated with lush bouquets — how can luck not smile on me on this day?

With my heart sinking from excitement, I sent Lev a letter asking for help to put together a short program of the presentation about a new type of software for motorists, minimized the window with work mail and was distracted to pour myself a coffee. However, I did not receive an answer — not in five minutes, not in an hour. Not the next day. The treasured letter did not arrive even after a week.

I was dejected. Then came blind anger and resentment — why is he not answering my letter? This is an important work issue! And how can he ignore me so easily after I made up my mind and, despite my fear, took a bold first step towards him, after our glances? I came home, collapsed exhausted on the bed and wiped away a tear. The visions and the heat still came, but they had lost their power for a while, so I could sleep peacefully at night.

«He decided not to even answer the letter or pay attention to me,» I whispered into the empty room, but then pulled myself up, forcing myself to stop crying. «It’s probably for the best. I don’t need problems at work because of him…» The picture of puzzles, random moments and glances that I had been carefully collecting for these months was at risk of being unfinished and pushed to the attic. «It’s all nonsense, Kira, leave your idea. It won’t lead to anything, he already has a wife. You’re late,» I wearily asked myself and, closing my eyes, immediately fell into the darkness. Today, for the first time in several months, the strange heat receded, and my sleep was calm and deep.

Chapter 3. A Twist of Fate

It was sultry from blazing light

And his every glance — like a flame.

I only started: that is right.

Me — only this one can tame.

He bent, — in a casual, low tone…

The blood sharply left my hot face.

Let love stop — like a tombstone —

My life’s even, measured pace.

— Akhmatova. Turmoil. 1913

I threw on a terry robe, ran my hand through my heavy wet hair, took a cup of coffee and a sandwich in my hand, and walked out of the house onto the porch, decorated with cut tree trunks. I was greeted by the calm morning silence and fresh air, literally oozing with moisture. A spacious pale green meadow stretched out before my eyes, and in the distance the horizon was outlined by an even row of dark emerald, almost black pines. I went down, and the colorless grass licked my wet feet with cold dew. The first sip of coffee — and I dissolved in the morning silence of the northern Karelian nature, occasionally cut through by the cries of some bird. This enchanting picture was hidden from others, no people drove here. I ran away here for the weekend, far from the big city, to forget for a while and be alone. It was mid-October outside. A month and a half had passed since I tried to establish contact with Lev, the man from my dreams, and got unpleasantly burned when I didn’t receive a response to my letter either the next day or the week after.

«This is all stupid. It’s time to leave this idea and move on,» I told myself, but an unresolved question hung in my soul, a persistent feeling that the story was just beginning. But I tried to escape from my feelings. Today, in a spacious wooden house rented for the weekend, I slept especially well. I hadn’t thought about this before — it was boring to go somewhere alone for the weekend, but now, headlong, I tried to escape from my feelings and disappointment in Lev.

Maybe he’s not so wonderful?

***

The enchanting northern nature of Karelia was left far behind, and the workday routine inevitably pulled us into its flow. In the closed area in the center of St. Petersburg, behind a high fence with barbed wire, an interesting life was in full swing — and often our marketing department organized interesting events together with the HR department.

In these days of late autumn, I met her face to face for the first time — our boss from top management, Eva Schwein. Many were afraid of her — her mood and character, changeable like water, powerful and scorching like fire, hard as steel. But in me it aroused sympathy and sometimes admiration — at first glance it was clear that you can learn a lot from her, and we both put common sense above momentary likes and dislikes.

In these cold October days, there was a discussion about the launch of a new project — a series of trainings for employees. It immediately piqued my interest — after all, it was mostly psychology, in which I had a bachelor’s degree, and I continued to deepen my knowledge to this day. But since my work experience was close to zero, I was sure that participation in this project would pass me by, and I would calmly continue to sit in my corner and gain wisdom and wisdom after the internship was over. For example, writing drafts of content plans or advertising posts for our company’s social networks. Tuesday came, and Eva Schwein called the entire department, six of us, into her office. From the excited tone of my colleagues, I realized that this was hardly a good omen. We silently climbed the snow-white staircase, finished to look like marble, and the sweetish-sterile smell of cleaning products, which were used to polish the corridors of the administration until they shined, hit our noses. Having entered the office and closed the heavy door behind us, we sat down around a long table. Dozens of honorary diplomas, letters of thanks, and a retro-style map of Chile, where our corporation’s subsidiary was located, looked down at us from the walls. I involuntarily sank into my chair.

— Why are you so pale? — a colleague whispered barely audibly in my ear.

I shook my head and blinked slowly. The world, narrowed to the size of the office, swam slightly before my eyes. Perhaps now there will be questions that I do not yet understand and cannot fully answer. And ignorance is no excuse, right?

— Well, tell me, what have you done for our project? — Eva Schwein asked in a calm voice that did not bode well.

I gradually began to get used to her accent. She sat relaxed in a high chair upholstered in white leather, but you should not be deceived by her mood — at any second she could change her mercy to anger and bring it down on us or any other person. Her strong figure, dressed in a heavy dark jacket, literally pressed with authority. Her long blond hair was pulled back into a high ponytail, a few strands had come loose and fallen over her glasses. Her brown eyes were studying us tenaciously from behind round lenses.

After her question, a timid discussion of the developments began — everyone was afraid to say something wrong and displease her, bringing down on themselves a hot portion of criticism.

She listened silently and took notes, when suddenly she raised her head, and her gaze stopped on me. I tried my best to become invisible and merge with the furniture, although I understood that it was too late.

— I looked at Kira’s blog here…

I froze and stopped breathing, hearing the rapid beating of her heart echoing in my ears. I felt like a helpless doll under her sharp gaze. — And I suggest that she teach a module on psychology in our project, — she finished her remark and sat back in her chair with satisfaction.

I perked up and exhaled sharply. A smile spread across my face in surprise.

«My knowledge was noticed and appreciated! They believe in me!» — flashed through my head like an arrow. I tore myself away from the back of the chair, which seemed to have grown to me, and straightened my shoulders.

«With pleasure! I won’t let you down!» I blurted out joyfully.

I couldn’t even imagine that a hobby — blogging on philosophical and psychological topics, where I have been sharing my thoughts and discoveries for five years now — would give such a boost to my career. How wonderful it is when hobbies and work intertwine!

It was as if I had a second wind, and a visit to that very «scary office» of Eva Schwein, which my colleagues sometimes scared me with, turned out to be a new hope for me. When I got home, without undressing, I greedily pounced on my books and notes on psychology — I was too inspired, and in one evening I sketched out the skeleton of a lecture in which I tried to put all my knowledge. This lecture seemed to me an important step on the path to something more — as it turned out later, for good reason.

Since childhood, I noticed that as soon as I thought about something and wanted it very much, it literally immediately came to life. At first, this happened beyond my control, but soon I caught the pattern and began to try to manage this process.

About a year of conscious training passed, and I began to deliberately use this gift. And this time, as soon as I came to the company, I realized that I did not want to do routine work. But how can I tell my superiors about this, having neither the skills nor the experience? And I just started to think about how much I wanted to be given a more important task and given the opportunity to show myself to my colleagues and share my knowledge with them. My intuition told me that this would happen very soon, but I stubbornly continued to think about the picture in my head of me standing in front of rows of employees, and they listening to me attentively.

And then reality gave in — and the picture in my head became reality, albeit not as quickly as it usually happened with my smaller desires. Does such a gift make life easier? Yes, but it is not just a tool, but a way of living, for which the universe imposes special responsibility — after all, reality and the lives of other people largely depended on my thoughts.

I understood the gravity of my role, and I was not drawn to doing something that would harm others. But there was one «but». I could not stop thinking about Lev. Trying to distract myself, doing household or work chores, I mentally slipped into bright and warm pictures every now and then: here we are spinning in a dance to a song on the radio, here we are performing together in front of an audience, and here we are drinking coffee in peace and quiet, or looking at the pond from the window of a cozy house… «What nonsense, stop it!» I pulled myself up every time, but the thoughts stubbornly escaped the control of the grip of control, and I stopped trying to hold them. For some reason, Lev seemed strangely familiar and close to me, and I desperately wanted to see him nearby, but I did not understand how this could be. The subconscious knew something that I did not. A couple of days later, my colleagues and I, as usual, laughing heartily and discussing the latest news from the company and the space industry, went to the cafeteria for lunch. «I’ll have rice with chicken, thank you,» I nodded at the counter, putting my plate on the tray.

Our line at the counter in the room filled with noise and hubbub of people was already coming to an end. I reached for the cutlery. And suddenly I felt a heavy, insistent gaze on me.

I turned around and saw brown eyes staring up at me, filled with… anger, fear, rejection? It was as if the woman was trying to poison me with her gaze, to put into it all the destructive power that a person can have inside, but as if she knew in advance that she was not capable of it. Behind that gaze was hiding a small wounded child, trying to convince me through intimidation that he himself was not afraid. He was broken by my suddenly appearing cold indifference.

Having carefully examined her face, I turned away, took the tray and silently walked to the other end of the canteen.

I knew who it was. Christina. Lev’s wife. I didn’t ask myself then what could be the reason for her angry look, but I caught something vaguely familiar in it. But why would she look like that? Could she have a premonition of something, or simply see me as a potential rival? It’s stupid — the company is full of beautiful young girls. She can’t see right through my thoughts about her husband, can she? Apparently, it’s not for nothing that they talk about the power of women’s intuition.

«She probably knows and feels something too. Her look is like the look of an animal trying to drive away a threat, having seen it from afar. So early? Does she know something?» I worriedly noted to myself, feeling that the mysterious situation was only gaining momentum. There was a distinct feeling in the air that something was about to happen, like the calm before a storm.

And a week later, Eva Schwein announced to us the updated lineup of speakers for our project. Among the names that were still unfamiliar to me, I noticed the very same one — Lev Aleksandrovich. This was not surprising, considering that he is involved in almost all projects. But a wave of goosebumps ran down my spine from the realization that a face-to-face meeting was inevitable.

I practically heard how reality creaked, changing direction and giving in to my thoughts about him, which involuntarily swirled around in my head every day. From the premonition of imminent changes, my legs began to buckle slightly.

There were so many things I wanted to do when I met him face to face: talk, casually, about everything in the world — but at the same time, I wanted to hide, turn away and have nothing to do with him. Just in case. So as not to get burned again. When you get hurt — neither psychology nor magic can save you.

— Oh, I’m a little worried. I don’t even know how I’ll look Lev in the eye when we work on the same project, — I shared with a colleague, with whom we had already become friends, when we were leaving the checkpoint and walking along a dense row of cars in the parking lot, enjoying the fresh November air and the crimson sunset sky.

— How? Until now? — she smiled in surprise.

Until now. It turned out that a month and a half is not a period at all, it’s a short moment. And I will look him in the eye boldly, with a challenge, with pleasure, tenderness, passion — but not now. And when? I knew that these moments would come, but I couldn’t say how soon.

«I can’t explain to you why, but my intuition tells me that our story with him is just beginning. You know, sometimes I see the future,» I admitted to her with a soft, almost apologetic smile. «The only question is how soon it will happen. Even before moving to St. Petersburg, I had the same vague picture before my eyes — I meet my man at work, when we are working together on some project. He is bent over a piece of paper and is writing something intently. He is wearing a white coat, he has dark hair and glasses. Only it’s all so blurry…

I stopped mid-sentence, fell silent in fear, worried that I had blurted out too much. This was my reality and picture of the world, but a rather specific one, and the people I work with could misunderstand me.

Maybe that same man from the vision is Leo? There was still a fresh, painful scar in my soul from how we had played this game with glances and smiles, fleeting jokes for so long, and then he had simply ignored me and my attempt to make a real step towards rapprochement, never answering my letter.

«So I will ignore him too, no more strange glances!» I told myself sternly, realizing that I would change my mind as soon as we came face to face.

When that day came, I tried to look unperturbed. Usually this was not a difficult task, but next to Lev something thawed in me, and I did not recognize myself. That morning, when the first meeting of the project participants was to take place, I sat for a couple of minutes in silence, collecting my thoughts. Then, with slightly trembling hands, I took the notebook and slowly headed towards our spacious conference room with a long glass table, from which a postcard view of the long rows of rusty St. Petersburg roofs stretching beyond the horizon opened up.

Anticipating the meeting, from which my solar plexus was slightly twisted, I put on an elegant black dress, adorned my fingers with neat rings with pearls. My colleague made two tight braids, slightly pressing on her head — but these inconveniences seemed nonsense.

I went into the conference room, timidly sat down opposite Lev at the long glass table and involuntarily glanced at him. «How handsome he is today in his business suit, how sincerely and brightly he smiles on this dark November morning! But I can no longer show my sympathy,» I thought, barely tearing my eyes away from him.

But somewhere nearby, along these corridors, his wife is walking, already sensing danger, recognizing in me the figure of a long-forgotten enemy and incinerating me with her gaze. How can this be?

I shook my head slightly, driving away the memories of the look in her eyes, the same brown as mine. And as if by chance, I turned away, showing Lev an elegant profile, which one artist several years ago compared to an antique statue. I pretended that I was absorbed in discussing the project and that I didn’t care about anyone. And yet I felt how he was stealthily looking at me with an interested gaze, naively and openly.

I deliberately did not greet him and diligently pretended not to notice his presence. Although my heart was pounding fast, stubbornly knocking against my ribs, forcing me to breathe deeply and often. Those same strange heat and hunger, which had previously been silent for a month and a half, stirred in my soul again. He chatted freely with my colleagues, laughed loudly and every now and then inserted comments and jokes on the edge of what was permitted by etiquette. At thirty-two, he sometimes behaved too childishly — I wonder how he manages to maintain such lightness and youth of spirit?

— So, dear speakers, we have identified the areas of our modules in the training program, — Eva Schwein listened to our discussion and confidently intercepted the initiative. — And now let’s divide up. Who wants to teach what?

— I want to take psychology in a team! — Lev, who had just been chatting with a colleague sitting next to him, immediately blurted out loudly. I couldn’t hide my pleasant surprise and cast a quick glance at him, full of approval. So he’s interested in psychology too? People don’t just become interested in such things — usually they are those whose inquisitive minds try to penetrate deeper than simple everyday interactions, to see their essence and cause-and-effect relationships, to reach the core of what makes a person human. Alas, in my experience, many people of science limited themselves to purely professional knowledge, not wanting to look deeper. I would like to believe that this says a lot about Leo.

Soon the modules were distributed among the speakers. Schwein glanced sharply at the participants seated along the long conference table and abruptly stopped her gaze on me. A shadow of a sly smile flashed across her face, and I, already anticipating her words, relaxed and leaned forward with interest.

«Leo, I have an assistant for you,» she said ingratiatingly.

Although I was prepared for this, my vision suddenly dimmed slightly and my head almost started spinning. Time stood still, and something inside me turned over from a tearing premonition. Thunder was about to strike.

— Kira will help you, she is well versed in psychology.

In addition to the dizziness, I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks — oh, how red I must be now! In addition to everything, I felt the gaze of a couple of my colleagues from the department, initiated into my secret about sympathy for him. I tried my best to show pride and break off all ghostly contacts with him, demonstratively ignoring the entire meeting.

But Schwein pushed us face to face. I wonder if she did it on purpose? It seemed to me so. The story of Marina Voikova came back to mind — how Eva Schwein built her family happiness with her married colleague with her own hands.

For some reason, I had a strange feeling that she was the only one who understood me and knew what I needed. All the pictures that I stubbornly played out in my head and which I did not tell anyone about were becoming reality thanks to her. On her part, this act seemed like an exploratory interest — to see if a chemical reaction would flare up between us, because she saw right through people and definitely felt that it was more than possible. Straightening my back and trying to regain my composure, I looked at her and nodded eagerly.

— So, Leo, are you taking Kira as your assistant? — she asked with a sly smile.

My breath caught in my throat, despite all my attempts to show composure and purely businesslike interest.

— Of course, I’ll do! — he blurted out eagerly and turned to me.

With these words, our story began.

Something fell down in my stomach. Our gazes met again, and we both carefully and slowly nodded to each other, as we did before. As if now securing our silent agreement about the beginning of something new and accepting the inevitability of the events that were happening. I lowered my head again and began to busily make sketches in my notebook, patiently waiting for him to offer to discuss the format of work on the project and methods of communication — my pen was ready to write my phone number. I did not want to be the first to make contact now — I had enough from that September day and the situation with the letter. But then the meeting ended. I hopelessly watched as he silently and hurriedly jumped up from his seat and disappeared into the oak doors of the conference room, without saying a word to me.

«It’s okay, he will contact me later, he will definitely call me back, now we are in the same boat,» I reassured myself, brushing aside the disappointment that had begun to stir and the slight anxiety that everything would happen again. I did not want to think about the fact that he would most likely ignore me until the last, even though we now had a common cause. For me, waiting for a dialogue with Lev seemed like an eternity, and there was a feeling that fate was dozing. And now it decided to make up for lost time, picked up speed and entered a sharp turn, pushing us face to face. And now she, acting with the hands of Eva Schwein, watched us with interest and laughed at the interesting beginning of another tragicomedy, of which millions have happened throughout the history of mankind. On the other hand, I knew that everything was happening at the right time. Now Lev would begin communicating with me as a professional with whom he was put into a common project under the patronage of Schwein. But it is unknown in what light he would have viewed me earlier. So everything is going as it should — it was only worth letting go of the idea of getting closer to him and focusing on my own development.

When everyone left the room, we were left alone with a colleague — a sunny, bright and kind-hearted girl. She winked slyly at me, stretching her lips into a wide smile:

— Well, Kira, dreams come true, huh?

— Oh yeah… I can’t believe it! — I smiled and whispered, afraid that someone might overhear our conversation. — I even felt a little dizzy.

— Should I walk you to the office, help you get there? — she asked worriedly and took my arm.

— Let’s go, — I thawed out a little, and we went out into a spacious, bright corridor.

Walking past a large glass frame, I glanced at it — under it was a photograph of Lev, engrossed in his work in a laboratory with a complex device, much more powerful than an ordinary computer. «He looks like a modern magician, an alchemist. «He’s conjuring in his corner of science, and he doesn’t need anything else,» I thought tenderly, and we slowly descended the slippery marble stairs into the office. The colleagues sitting there, surprisingly, already knew about everything that was happening.

— So, Kira, are your dreams coming true? — Angela asked with a joyful gleam in her eyes, as if deliberately repeating her colleague’s words, and winked, hinting at our conversation in her car in September.

— Yes, — that’s all I could squeeze out of myself, and my face again became covered in a thick blush.

I felt that after this episode, the respect of the team for me increased. Now I was not just a newcomer, now I stood on par with the leading minds of the corporation.

— Soon everyone will know your name, Kira, because you work in tandem with the star of the company — Lev! — the boss once said at one of the planning meetings, smiling cheerfully, and I remembered our common secret, because I had risked sharing my secret crush with her on my birthday.

In the back of my mind, I realized that my sincerity could have played a cruel joke. I had openly shared the secret with my colleagues, and if the information had reached the top management in an unsightly form, I could have been fired with a scandal. But, fortunately, I immediately felt that these girls could be trusted, and now my dangerous passion had turned into just a reason for good-natured jokes.

I kept replaying in my head the moment when Eva Schwein united Lev and me, and tried to convince myself that what was happening was real. For several days, I was glowing with happiness, and getting up in the mornings became much easier, as if there was no thick darkness and howling cold wind outside the window.

«Of course, I do!» — Lev’s words echoed in my head, spoken with such readiness that they warmed my heart. I felt a huge surge of inspiration and strength, a desire to put my soul into this project and make it a symbol of our tandem — intellectual, and perhaps something more. With tripled strength, I began to study books and courses on the topic of psychology.

I was inspired by the pictures that arose before my inner eye. I clearly knew that this was a premonition, not a fantasy, although it was sometimes difficult to distinguish between them. I saw a long, bright laboratory with equipment, a row of narrow windows under the ceiling, and a separate office for the director in the left corner: and in it, Lev and I were sitting and slowly discussing materials on the project and psychology in general, but behind these conversations a feeling of mutual human warmth was growing. And here is another vision, which appeared before my inner eye in brief episodes in broad daylight — he throws a robe over my shoulders and leads me around the laboratory, shows me the equipment, explains how it works, gives me some details to examine — there is a mixture of pleasure, pride and tenderness on his face, he is happy to tell a girl who does not understand anything about it about his favorite business, and his colleagues look at each other in confusion and shrug their shoulders. It is strange, where do such clear pictures come from in reality? After all, I have never been to his laboratories. But just a little bit more — and I will see everything with my own eyes. I wish it would be sooner, sooner… However, one thing bothered me. All my colleagues, speakers of other modules, had long ago held meetings to discuss their projects. Lev stubbornly did not contact me. Day after day, I glanced at my work phone, expecting to see the three cherished digits of his extension number and hear that hoarse, slightly high-pitched voice — and every time someone called me, I pretended to roll my eyes and declared: «Not him again!», which caused good-natured laughter among my colleagues. But neither humor nor serious anticipation brought the cherished event closer. Other speakers were already discussing their materials, and anxiety stirred in me, the fear of falling behind the others, of not making it on time.

«I shouldn’t write to him first again. I need to have pride. He is responsible for the module, I am just his assistant,» flashed through my thoughts. But impatience, the desire to get down to business as soon as possible, and excessive responsibility in work matters began to take over.

Finally giving in, I opened the email window and put my fingers on the keyboard. «Lev, good morning! This is Kira, we are doing a project in psychology together. How would you like to get together and discuss a common work plan?»

The letter was sent.

«Well, I didn’t write first, well done,» I thought ironically. I introduced myself to everyone by my first and last name, but now I deliberately took a step forward to establish trust by offering to call me only by my first name.

To my surprise, the answer came immediately: «Kira, hi! Yes, come to our department on Wednesday so as not to occupy the conference room in the administration.» I read his «Kira, hi!» several times with delight, and something clicked inside, spreading warmth throughout my body.

***

The long-awaited Wednesday has arrived. I spent a long time choosing an outfit in the morning so that I would look tasteful and elegant at this important moment, our first meeting. Although we had seen each other from afar before, today our personal communication would begin, and I would not have a second chance to make a first impression. I settled on a coffee-colored turtleneck, bought back in school, a black pencil skirt and high-heeled boots. The final touches were playfully curled locks framing my face and giving the whole image a romantic flair. «Are you going somewhere after work?» Angela asked ingratiatingly, watching me fix my hair in front of the mirror. «No, not after work, I’m leaving in half an hour,» I winked at her.

My body reacted to the upcoming meeting in a very strange way: a slight tremor and sweat ran through me, and my stomach was slightly twisted with excitement. Throwing on a light-colored faux fur coat, I stepped out into the crisp, frosty November air and set off, passing old brick buildings of industrial workshops, entered an inconspicuous door at the end, and moved along a bright labyrinth of corridors.

Here was the coveted blue door. Overcoming my trembling, I reached out and pressed the doorbell. A friendly, black-haired girl opened the door for me.

— Hello, I’m here to see Lev, — I nodded briefly.

— Come in, sit down, he’ll be right there, — she led me into a cramped room filled with cabinets and chairs, and pointed to a worn black leather sofa.

«A great start, I’m late for the meeting, and he’s in no hurry himself,» I noted sarcastically. Finally, he came into the office and, without offering me any tea or coffee (which, from my point of view, would have been a sign of hospitality and respect, even in a work environment), collapsed on the sofa next to me. I looked closely into his large expressive brown eyes, which were now closer than ever, and I was again overcome by the feeling that I had known this man for a very long time. So this long-awaited face-to-face meeting had happened!

But now his whole appearance expressed obvious displeasure. Slightly disheveled dark hair, a stretched lilac sweater and a slight tremor in his hands — all this gave away in him an extremely busy person who had been pulled out of the work process against his will.

«I don’t have anything ready,» he began without greeting. Noticing my embarrassed look, he continued to press. «I don’t have time to deal with this… crap.»

I was overwhelmed with confusion and awkwardness. How could this be! I prepared for the meeting so much, reread and took notes on several articles on psychology, made a plan, and this project really did look promising! But what bothered me most was something else. Lev and I exchanged glances for so long, and finally the top management took the first step for us — they put us to work together.

My throat tightened with resentment for a moment. «How can he be rude to me on our first meeting!»

«It’s okay,» I smiled politely, keeping my composure, and got back to work. «I have a few ideas on how to structure the work. We’ll split the entire module into four thematic blocks, each of us gets two. You can add a couple of exercises at the end. I’ll take care of the presentation — just send me the information on your blocks. I’ve also started reading a book on our topic, in my opinion, it’s written in an accessible language, useful and without fluff. If you have time, I’d advise you to read it.»

I noticed that he had thawed a little, his gaze had softened, and he sat down more relaxed, leaning back on the sofa. I leaned back after him. We leaned in and moved closer to each other as if by accident.

«What’s the name of the book?» he asked again and opened the online library on his smartphone. A couple of clicks — and he already had it in electronic form.

— What kind of application is this? I’ll install it too, — I did a couple of manipulations on the smartphone and nodded with satisfaction. — What deadlines will we set? By what date will we prepare the drafts of our blocks?

— Somehow you started fussing early… There are still almost four months.

— It’s better to start without rushing earlier, we’ll do everything well, — I shrugged.

Back then, I really managed to live by this principle — until things started falling on me like an avalanche.

— On the twenty-fifth, I’m leaving for a conference in Adler, for a congress of scientists, — he thoughtfully looked at the calendar hanging on the wall. — And from the twenty-first to the twenty-third, I’ll be in Novosibirsk.

— In Novosibirsk? — I perked up and thought that I had misheard. I still had the warmest memories of that town. — It’s freezing there now, dress warmer. What will you do there?

— We are presenting a training program for students of technical specialties. I will be giving a lecture on diagnostics of faults in program code at the Polytechnic.

— How great! — my eyes sparkled with admiration. — There is a good academic environment there. I am from Novosibirsk State University. Have you heard of it?

— Yes, I was there, talked to the rector. He is a bit funny, reminds me of a character from some TV series, — he laughed.

— Okay, then we will just work, we will agree closer to the matter when we meet to discuss, — I stood up and headed for the exit. — Have a nice day.

That’s it. The whole fateful first meeting took no more than ten minutes. I pursed my lips, trying to calm the annoyance flaring up inside.

I carefully walked in heels across the freshly washed slippery floor and again plunged into the frost nipping at my skin. An unpleasant aftertaste remained inside, and I shuddered. «Nonsense! So, all this time of waiting — and you tell me at our first meeting that everything is crap, and laugh at my rector?» I raised an eyebrow. Honestly, naively, but inside I had a hope that he would immediately say something like «Finally we met!», or maybe immediately confess his love to me. Sounds funny. But my intuition told me that everything is yet to come.

Despite the strange first meeting, I was extremely interested to know how Lev felt about me, and what was behind his demonstratively dismissive behavior. If only there was a way to look into his thoughts…

And then, on the way home, it dawned on me. Such a way exists!

As soon as I entered the apartment, my hand itself reached for the Tarot cards, which had long been resting on the shelf unused. Obviously, now was their time. I felt that this was not just like that and that there was a «second bottom» to the situation of our meeting and communication in general.

I drew the curtains, brewed myself some mint tea, lit a few candles that filled the room with a soft amber light, and reached for the cards. I took the deck in my hands, feeling the familiar strange warmth from it, and began to shuffle.

«Kira, stop it! Are you possessed by the devil? He’s married, stop it. Why do layouts on him?» — was beating in my head, but I could no longer stop. I wanted to know the truth.

— Cards, tell me, how does Leo see me?

With a slight movement of my hand, I pulled out three cards face down and turned them over. The High Priestess, the Nine of Wands, and the Queen of Swords were looking at me.

The High Priestess card apparently said that Leo saw or felt this cold, deep femininity and intuition in me first.

Only after several months had passed did I learn that the High Priestess card has long meant a lover.

Next to the priestess lay the Nine of Wands card. It depicted a long row of wands — and in the foreground stood a man, clutching another wand to himself. His head was bandaged, and fear was clearly written on his face. «Leo thinks that I am afraid of something. Or is he afraid of himself? Of me? Or of what might arise between us?»

Finally, the Queen of Swords. As befits the Knight of Swords, Leo communicated with me in a tense, businesslike manner. He saw in me the predominance of intelligence and determination. But this is only a part of me! I wanted other people, and especially Leo, to see in me my true archetype — the decisive and soulful Queen of Wands, the lady of fire.

— What is the most likely prospect for the development of our communication and joint work? — I asked the next question.

The cards gave me an answer from three major arcana: the High Priestess in blue robes looked at me piercingly again, to which the empress and strength were added.

Even then I knew that one of the interpretations of the priestess card is a secret love affair.

But the Empress card caused a subconscious rejection in me — this is the sunny, active, socially approved side of femininity. There is nothing bad in the Empress archetype itself, but it too clearly symbolized the legal wife and future mother, basking in the warm rays of the sun — she is accepted and loved by society. Together with her light hair, she reminded me of her — Christina, who recently looked at me with such anger in the dining room.

Yes, the legal wife, relatives and colleagues perceive her as a sunny person and a good match for Leo. But the first cracks of unhappiness have already appeared inside her — she senses trouble.

So, the cards of the Priestess and Empress, which have long denoted a mistress and a wife, lay eloquently next to each other. And I was still torn by doubts — should I go further and immerse myself in this story? But something beckoned and drew me in. The last card, Strength, depicted a girl in flowing white robes and a wreath in her fair hair, who with her graceful hands embraced the head of a lion and its gaping mouth with sharp fangs. A symbol of spiritual strength and fortitude, the ability to cope with destructive impulses.

Another — literal — meaning of this card was revealed to me later. It literally depicts our zodiac signs: the embrace of Virgo and Leo — that is what awaits us.

***

The intoxication of the twist of fate passed, and the previous string of everyday life returned — work, work, work. I made sketches for our project in parallel with many other tasks. Unfortunately, there was a lull on Lev’s part. I also did not get in touch on principle.

— So, how are you working with Lev? — my boss asked cautiously on my last day before my December study leave, sorting through documents on a table littered with stacks of papers.

— He doesn’t seem particularly eager to work on the project, — I frowned slightly.

— He said that you «keep him in good shape,» — she laughed.

— Yes, I made him read a book on psychology.

— She made him! As if he has time to read books! He’s very busy, — she frowned. — Oh well, he’s a responsible boy, he’ll read.

«What kind of boy is he? «He is ten years older than me,» I noted to myself in surprise. But he really was young in spirit, childish in character and slightly naive in some of his actions. Unfortunately, he did not take the project as seriously as I did, putting it aside for the sake of managing the lab. Alas, for him it was another useless task from the top management, and for me it was a thin thread between us.

«I didn’t exactly force you, I just recommended it,» I smiled modestly.

After which we hugged goodbye, and I went on study leave for three weeks.

The first session of the master’s program began — at the very university I wanted to enter initially and prepared for a long time, so I did not apply to other universities. A year ago, like many other university graduates, I faced the question — where to go to study for a master’s program? I chose a prestigious university in St. Petersburg, a popular specialty — advertising technologies in the business environment.

Raising various topics in the blog on psychology, I realized that people are maturing late now — until forty they are considered young, and it is not uncommon that at twenty-five they are only wondering what they want to do in life. Lack of attention to their own needs and desires, as well as an incredibly wide range of opportunities, options — all this gives rise to uncertainty in the choice of young people, conflicting desires to do several things at once, or puts them in front of a dilemma — the path of earning money or the path of doing something they love, which very rarely intersect. I was no exception and also faced this choice — I wanted a stable, well-fed, rich life. And I went to study at a prestigious university, still not betraying my passion for psychology.

The first session in the master’s program flew by quickly, the days from early morning until night were filled with studies. Snow was falling outside the window, softly dusting the ground. When I thought about moving to St. Petersburg a year ago, I was sure that the winters here were slush and mud. I was wrong. The winters here are no worse. It’s like I’m back in Siberia.

In the summer, I flew to St. Petersburg fully confident that it would accept me and that I would be happy here. Now I got a better look at this harsh city, and day after day, I felt some kind of resistance from it. Narrow streets, low houses, low skies, stuffy air were oppressive, and I was no longer sure whether I wanted to stay here for long.

St. Petersburg continued to grow: three hundred years ago, it was just a fortress on Hare Island and a small cluster of buildings, but year after year, its dark metastases stretched further and further, entangled in a network of roads. Along the central streets-veins of the city, narrow, dark, covered with a construction net so that pieces of plaster would not fall on the heads of passers-by, lines of cars stretched wearily. Nearby, on the narrow sidewalks paved with tiles, the townspeople crowded, and often had to stick out their elbows to pass — I simply did not know how to walk slowly. The blood flow, the flow of energy and life were too slow here. Northern Venice. This honorable name with a romantic flair justified itself: water, the wild flowing energy of life, was pacified, tamed, encased in hard granite here. And the heart of this city, called by Dostoevsky the most «abstract» and «deliberate», erected among the swamps by the power of one human will, was the Hermitage — «a hermit’s refuge». The city was built only three hundred years ago, but it seemed frozen like a museum. But museums are not meant for life, they are beautiful pictures, behind which there is nothing — and indeed, leaving the central routes of St. Petersburg, you find yourself in dirty dark courtyards, already touched by the sepsis of destruction. From above, this was disguised by an abundance of stucco and paint, and the great works of architecture — the Admiralty, the Hermitage, St. Isaac’s and Kazan Cathedrals — seemed like anachronisms, wearily looking at people trying to preserve their lives here. «St. Petersburg is for love,» screamed from all the souvenir shops, and sometimes I found it hard to breathe here.

One chilly December day, I stood on the Neva embankment, the bed of which was encased in granite, and looked at the dark gray water. It was not for nothing that I ended up in this city; my intuition told me that I needed to complete some task from my past life. I vaguely guessed that it was connected with Leo, that strangely familiar man who came to me in my dreams, and thoughts about whom kept me from falling asleep. But what should I do with him?

The session was coming to an end, and I was planning to return to work for a couple of days before the New Year. Suddenly, a message came from my boss: «Urgently write a test on the material of your module.» I frowned. As always, sudden urgent tasks that break the daily routine. Trying to calm down, I threw on a fur coat and went outside, into the frosty winter air. «Again, should I write to Lev first and ask about the project? Why doesn’t he contact me himself?» I thought, and a shadow of resentment flashed across my face as I typed a message to him with trembling, reddened from the cold fingers.

«I won’t have time to do the test before the end of the week. I’ve already warned your colleagues,» his answer was so irritating between the lines. I squeezed the phone and exhaled loudly, frowning. «Lev, I’m really sorry that I have to bother you. But these are not my inventions, I don’t have time to do anything myself, you shouldn’t take out your emotions on me,» I certainly won’t write this to him.

Our rare communication on business matters was moving further and further away from what I had foreseen and what I really wanted. These dry answers were not at all like mutual understanding and care, shared warm memories and silly jokes, tender and passionate kisses and sleepless nights spent together — which I involuntarily fantasized about before going to bed.

«I understand, I don’t have time either. Let me come back, meet and discuss at the beginning of the week?» I typed in response, slightly slowing down the boiling anger.

The meeting was scheduled for December 27 — on this day you can still discuss work issues, but on the following days the brain refuses to think about anything and is busy preparing for the holiday. And in my mind I was already in Moscow, celebrating the New Year with Kate and forgetting about the unfriendliness of St. Petersburg and the strange situation with Lev.

The day before, lying in bed, I again could not close my eyes, looking at the ceiling. An anxious thought was sitting in the back of my mind: very soon our project with Lev would end, and there would be no more chances for meetings. I felt that he and I really could and should inevitably become close, but does he really not have reciprocal thoughts? How many more consultations will we have? One, two, three? There was no time to waste — it was time to act. Something had to change.

…Without remembering myself, I softly slid into the realm of sleep. Making my way through the thick haze of fog, I came out into a small clearing. Turning around, I saw that it ended in a sharp cliff that fell into a bottomless black gorge, surrounded by high, harsh mountains. There was very little space in the clearing — it was as if I was balancing on the edge of common sense, keeping me from falling into the abyss.

Feeling someone’s presence, I turned my head and saw how Leo was approaching me from the fog. Here, in this small world, next to the deadly cliff, his presence felt different — as if a long-familiar, once close person had come to me. He gently took my hand, pulled me towards him and smiled, causing a warm light to spread throughout my body.

«What a beautiful white dress,» was all he said, and I looked at my hands, decorated with lacy snow-white sleeves.

I looked up at him… But then the alarm clock tore me out of my sleep with a sharp, nasty sound, reminding me that it was six in the morning and time to go to work. But, remembering that today was December 27, I instantly perked up, got out of bed and went to the closet. The dream told me what to do. A couple of days ago I received a package with a new set of jewelry and a blouse — white, elegant and light, with lace sleeves. It created a truly festive mood and added lightness to the image.

Having adjusted my fur coat and scarf in front of the mirror at the entrance to Lev’s laboratory department, I smiled broadly at myself, unable to hide the mischievous lights in my eyes. I am sure — from this day on everything will be different.

I really decided to do this! Now there is nowhere to retreat: I need to be soft, attractive, intriguing. Even if nothing comes of it today, it was worth at least trying.

Slowly entering Lev’s office, I sat down on a chair opposite him. And, despite our large difference in age and rank, I decided to take a risky maneuver — a quick rapprochement through an emphatically friendly tone. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to do this with other men, but Lev came to me so often in my dreams, and I felt so clearly that he was vaguely familiar to me, that I took this risk.

— So what? Let’s quickly deal with the task of composing the test today, and then we can rest in peace? — I smiled as gently as possible, looking into his eyes and encouraging him with a slight nod of my head.

Now I realized that he was really tired of the large amount of scientific work that I could not even understand, and I tried to show him with all my appearance that I understood his situation and did not want to burden him with additional tasks.

I slowly bent over a sheet of paper and began to sketch out ideas for the test for our project. But then the phone rang. He picked up the receiver and thoughtfully listened to the speaker, but his slightly confused gaze wandered over me, as if he could not decide to focus. Finally, he froze, looking into my eyes, and answered the caller something playfully, but his open and good-natured smile was clearly addressed to me. I caught his gaze and smiled back slightly playfully. When he hung up, I said softly:

— By the way, I wanted to ask. Have you had the opportunity to read the book on psychology that I recommended to you? At least briefly, selected chapters.

— Yes! So I read it in the evenings in full.

— Don’t you get tired after work?

— I do, usually I only have the strength to eat and sleep.

I tilted my head to the side, smiling sympathetically. I understood his fatigue perfectly well. And at the same time, his desire to responsibly approach a project that was completely unimportant to him inspired respect. I really wanted to hug him warmly and support him…

— I understand, I experienced the same thing during the session… It’s great that you found the opportunity to read the book, well done, — I softly lowered my eyelashes.

It was pleasant and valuable to realize that, despite his busy schedule and feigned discontent, he diligently read the book I had recommended to him in the evenings.

Lev glanced at me again, and after thinking for a couple of seconds, blurted out hastily:

— I read several chapters and do not quite agree with the authors. It seems to me that their model can be presented differently…

He leaned over the table and began to draw diagrams in my notebook, involuntarily glancing at me every now and then, and for several minutes we became engrossed in discussing his ideas. I was happy to see that he was showing a sincere interest in psychology, expressing his opinion, offering solutions. I was fired up by the independence and sharpness of his thinking.

— Returning to the test questions. I suggest that each of us throw in five questions for our blocks, — I turned the notebook with notes towards him. — But if you are busy, I can do your part, too, there is no problem with that.

His gaze softened. He grabbed my pen and started to underline something in my notes. I noticed how his hands started to tremble, how quiet and confused his voice became.

— Oh, come on, don’t. I’ll do my part myself. We have until tomorrow, right?

— Right, — I smiled.

My lower abdomen suddenly became warm and soft.

I looked up at him and suddenly felt how hot it became in my chest and lower abdomen. It was as if rays of hot light were coming from me to him and wrapping him like a cocoon, sitting opposite. My body trembled slightly, and my eyes were covered with a thin, damp film — I was not yet used to letting such strong energy pass through me.

Looking into those expressive brown eyes, which were now looking at me differently, not with coldness and irritation, but with interest and understanding, I felt a frantic heat. It was as if fate had sped up and was preparing to take another turn. I wished I could reach out and gently run my hand over his disheveled dark hair and his cheek, slightly prickly from stubble… I didn’t want to leave this cramped, bright office for the cold of winter and the bustle of my department. The world stopped, time stood still in these cramped white walls.

— By the way, how did you get to the congress in Adler? — I suddenly remembered his trip.

— Horrible! To hang around there for two days just to give a five-minute report! — he exclaimed.

— I understand, I went to Moscow to speak at Moscow State University in the same way as a student, — I wanted to show him that I understood from my own experience what he was talking about. — I noticed that the more pompous the name of the conference — like yours, the Congress of Young Scientists — the more it actually is…

— The more useless it is? — he smiled, finishing the sentence for me.

— Exactly!

— You know, they screwed up with my accommodation. I got distracted and checked in last. In the end, I got some old room with a Soviet interior. I go in, and there’s some strange guy sitting on the bed! I wish they’d put me in with some pretty girl! — he smiled slyly and laughed, and I laughed in response, happily feeling the ice begin to melt. — In the end, I rented a single room for myself. So, if, or rather, when, you go somewhere on a business trip from the company, keep a close eye on it so that this doesn’t happen.

— Oh, good, — I smiled broadly and felt my cheeks flush slightly.

I stumbled slightly from embarrassment and, looking away at the board covered with formulas and notes, continued:

— You know, I found myself in a similar situation. When I first flew to a conference in Moscow as a student, I wanted to save money and rented a place in a hostel for 350 rubles a day. Of course, it didn’t end well — I ran away after the very first night when a woman asked if I had been bitten by bedbugs during the night, — I laughed slightly nervously and bit my lip — either from excitement or from unpleasant memories.

— And I thought you were embarrassed by the contingent of people living there, — he leaned forward, looked me in the eyes and smiled.

— That too. And how did you go to Novosibirsk, to the opening of the program at the Polytechnic? — I suddenly remembered, feeling a kind of responsibility — how did the city of my student years, still close to my heart, receive this important guest?

Winter Novosibirsk is quite a challenge for inexperienced guests.

— My colleague’s… face is frozen! — he couldn’t hold back his laughter and covered his eyes with his hand. — And so… It’s a nice town. Polytechnic is an ordinary university, the equipment is old, but they are trying to do something.

— I’m glad you were pleased with the trips. Unfortunately, I have to go… The day after tomorrow I’m flying to Moscow, we will celebrate the New Year with a friend.

He jumped up abruptly and went to the calendar on the wall. I again involuntarily glanced at his graceful, thin, tall figure in a white coat — he was full of vitality and energy. People like him are endowed with natural grace and lightness, but they don’t pay attention to it, hovering somewhere in the clouds. They are usually passionately interested in something outside themselves, like Leo is passionate about science, and they channel all their energy into it, not caring much about their appearance or health. After all, there are so many interesting things in the world besides this!

— Yes, there are a lot of things to do! — he concluded, sliding his finger along the calendar. And, slightly embarrassed and as if stepping over himself, he added. — By the way, I wish you a pleasant these very…

— Thank you, and a pleasant these very ones to you, — I mimicked him, feeling how inside his first awkward attempt to say something pleasant to me responded with bright joy.

— Have a nice vacation!

I stood up, clutching a notebook and pen to my chest. A wide smile did not leave my lips.

— Don’t think too much about work. We will definitely cope, — I blurted out at the end, awkwardly and embarrassedly raising my thumb up.

He walked towards the lab with his hurried gait, but turned to me. His face with its casual stubble reflected a wide smile, and the look in his large dark eyes expressed a mixture of confusion, joyful playfulness and… timid hope?

«We’ll manage, where else?» he chuckled, and I noticed how he also unconsciously made a semblance of a gesture with a finger up. People subconsciously copy the body language of those they like.

I went out into the corridor and felt how I was filled with lightness and calm confidence that everything was going as it should.

As soon as I returned to the office, the boss assigned a new task — to sign a stack of documents from employees. I immediately understood why this was a great idea. I chose and put the documents for Lev’s department in a stack. «A good chance to sign the whole stack at once and… see him again,» I noted to myself, and half an hour later I was standing in his doorway again with a stack of papers.

He confidently snatched the folder from my hands and led me into his bright office with a round table and long windows under the ceiling. Bright cold light of a winter day fell in rays through the wide windows. Lev opened the folder and began to examine the documents with feigned fastidiousness. I realized that we were standing too close to each other, straightened my shoulders and, as if by chance, turned my head to the papers with a deliberately captivated look, revealing my graceful long neck to his gaze.

— What is written here? Men have an index of two in the premium coefficient, and women have an index of two! — he smiled cheerfully, and although I did not understand the meaning of his words, I was instantly infected with this smile. We looked into each other’s eyes for a few seconds.

He lowered his gaze and turned it to the documents. His hand fell on the folder, and he ran his finger over the signature of the chairman of the board of directors.

— Facsimile? No, the real thing!

I casually placed my hand next to him and ran my finger a millimeter away from him, checking the authenticity of the signature.

— Indeed, the real thing. Please call me the next employees to sign…

He kindly invited me to sit in his office and went off to the lab. I consulted the incoming employees, feeling that every pair of eyes that glanced at me was to my advantage.

«They are probably curious about who this young girl is, with whom their boss talks for so long, laughs so loudly, and now she is sitting in his chair. They will start discussing. Let it be so, the more attention I attract, the better, I will begin to associate myself with Lev and take my place.»

Some employees were not there, and we agreed that I would come for the documents tomorrow. I was about to leave when a young, black-haired girl in a turtleneck came up to me. Involuntarily running her gaze over me, she said with poorly concealed irritation:

— It seems you forgot some documents there.

I was amused by this reaction, and with an exaggeratedly polite expression I answered:

— No, everything is fine, they will remain with you for signature until tomorrow.

The next day, I was already impatiently standing in the endlessly long white corridor from the very morning and pressing the doorbell at the treasured blue door. Usually one of the lab assistants opened the door for me so that the director did not have to run himself. But now the door opened, and Lev stood in front of me, holding some kind of drawing in his hands. Today he was clean-shaven and dressed in a neat white shirt, emphasizing his aristocratically thin facial features and concentrated gaze — there was no trace left of yesterday’s stretched sweater and slight stubble. I wanted to believe that these changes were connected with me, that an exciting desire to please had awakened in him too. Perhaps the reasons were different, but I was unable to give up this romantic illusion.

«Hello, Leo,» I said barely audibly, as if I was afraid that by calling him by a diminutive form of his name I was crossing the line, but at the same time I wanted to boldly cross it. «I’m going to get some documents.»

«Yes, of course, here you go,» he eagerly rushed into the office and brought out a folder.

He handed it to me, hesitating and not in a hurry to let go of it. I looked up, and our gazes met again, lingering on each other. A warm fire flared up all over my body again.

Frightened that I was looking into his eyes for too long, I quickly snatched the folder and took a step back, pressing my back against the door.

«Have a nice day,» I nodded at last, then pressed the handle and disappeared into the corridor.

Finally, the ice between us began to melt! My thoughts were already far away… And yet, do I dare to dream of something more?

***

December 29. I grabbed my suitcase and stepped over the threshold of the airport. A few more hours and I would be in Moscow, together with Kate, my childhood friend.

My soul was filled with joyful anticipation. We maintained a close connection and were planning to celebrate the New Year together for the eighth year. There was absolute trust and respect between us, friendship over the years made us sisters, withstanding all the storms of conflicts and mistrust with dignity. We were united by a common outlook on the world, humor and memories, and in case of trouble, each of us was ready to lend a shoulder and offer our help.

The meeting at the airport was noisy and filled with poorly restrained joy. I hugged Kate tightly. We will always have each other. Now here, when we moved to two capitals from Siberia at the same time, we had no one but each other. We vied with each other to share impressions and emotions, standing in the cold and waiting for a taxi home.

In the morning, I opened my eyes and stretched with pleasure, looking around at Kate sleeping on the neighboring sofa and the modest interior of our shelter with a view from the window of a snow-covered metropolis. Large flakes of snow were falling softly outside the window, and loose snowdrifts had grown on the roofs overnight. In the middle of the room stood a tall artificial fir tree — we still had to decorate it today. Without wasting time, we got up, prepared a simple breakfast and went to the city center for a walk.

As soon as we left the metro, I felt how I wanted to straighten my shoulders and stretch out, looking up.

I finally took a deep breath, feeling how much the narrow streets and gloomy low sky of St. Petersburg had been squeezing me all this time. Moscow inspired and carried me away. The monumental grey high-rises of New Arbat rose in a long row, divided on both sides by a wide avenue, at the end of which the ivory-coloured high-rises of Kutuzovskaya and the glass monoliths of Moscow City could be seen. Old Arbat ran parallel to the New one, creating an interesting mix of styles — the light facades of low-rise houses with stucco and the laconic grey of the skyscrapers played in contrast with each other. The trees along the avenues were richly decorated with golden and red balls, people scurried along the spacious sidewalks, and the wide multi-lane roads, like an avalanche, were filled with a dense stream of cars, menacingly approaching and quickly rushing past. Everyone was hurrying somewhere on this sunny day in the scenery of a generously decorated city, the snow crunched under the feet of hundreds of boots, the hubbub of voices was heard, and a general joyful excitement hung in the air.

Festive joyful jitters, anticipation of a magical night when you can throw off all your worries and leave them in the old year, entering a new period of life, where there will be 365 chances to get closer to your dream. Fluffy snowflakes, bright garlands, soft cinnamon buns and glasses of mulled wine in your hands, heartfelt conversations with Kate, a sea of laughter and smiles. Having moved to St. Petersburg, I was so afraid of being alone on this important holiday, and now, celebrating it with a close friend, I felt that life was welcoming and leading me in the right direction. Kate and I moved quite recently, in the heat of youth we began to conquer big cities — we had immeasurable energy and desires. And a happy life loomed ahead, brighter every day, and so many opportunities! We finished decorating the tree, threw silver tinsel on top, took a glass of champagne in each hand and sat down on the sofa, discussing the latest news for the past six months.

After a little hesitation, I finally decided to share my joy with Kate.

— Do you remember how I once told you about Lev? The one I liked and with whom we were assigned to do a project together, but in the end, at our first meeting, he called everything bullshit and laughed at the rector?

I was inspired and felt my thoughts being entangled in a pink haze. Taking a sip of champagne, I continued.

— We saw each other the other day. You know, it’s funny, I put on a nice blouse, and he suddenly became so kind to me! He even volunteered to take a test and wished me a good vacation, and he smiled so much… Oh, these men!

But my friend’s reaction was not at all what I expected.

— Kir, are you still hoping for something? — Kate asked with a confused smile.

Her question abruptly cut me off, and I fell silent, unable to find the right words. My cheeks began to burn slightly from awkwardness. Yes, perhaps I shouldn’t have hoped for something, and so enthusiastically told my friend about my games with a married man.

And how could I have thought that something could work out between us, and his recent warm attitude meant something? Nonsense. Kate is right. We are just working on a project together.

— I hope? No… It’s just such amazing changes in behavior, I wonder. It’s all psychology, — I smiled conciliatorily, hiding my gaze and feeling my cheeks continue to burn.

And yet, I didn’t think that Kate and I could ever have misunderstandings. After all, before we shared absolutely all the news with each other.

I fell silent awkwardly and wilted, feeling the pink haze dissolving. From my position, his behavior seemed and felt different, but if you describe it to a third person, these were the most ordinary signs of politeness and good attitude. But how could this be! Then, sitting a couple of days ago in his office, I felt with my whole being how the space between us and his attitude towards me were changing. And these strange flashes of energy, physically felt as warmth in the body? I should not talk about this topic much, otherwise you might think that I am making up fairy tales.

— On the other hand, your story about Leo reminded me of someone. I recently read about such a concept as twin flames, — Kate thoughtfully wound a strand of red hair around her finger. — Have you heard anything about this?

— In general terms, — I answered evasively. — And what have you read about them?

— The meeting of twin flames is accompanied by a strange, paradoxical attraction, regardless of social boundaries. And it is very difficult to get rid of this attraction — after all, such people are deeply connected on an energetic level, and not for the first life.

She paused, carefully trying to find the words. Finally, she gave in:

— I’m afraid I’m wrong, because I saw this article two weeks ago. I’ll open it now, and we’ll read it together.

Kate opened the list of bookmarks in the browser on her laptop, and we stared at the screen with interest. Having finished reading, I thoughtfully leaned back on the sofa, listening to my feelings. When I remembered Leo, a strange ball of warm, even burning energy seemed to light up in my chest.

— That is, twin flames were once one whole on an energetic level, one consciousness, but decided to split into two in order to experience the nature of duality and reunite. The purpose of their meeting on earth is to experience unconditional love, to raise their vibrations and, subsequently, the vibrations of their environment. To love when everything is good for both of you is easy. But the main task is to awaken and preserve a sincere feeling inside, despite severe trials and tough conditions for relationships. Twin flames are the only ones who have the same frequency, so they are irresistibly drawn to each other — they know that only through reunion can they learn something very important and move to a new level of soul development.

Kate nodded vigorously:

— Yes, that’s right! I tried to express it in words, but I forgot the exact wording.

— There is another interesting aspect, — I put my hand to the flaming ball of energy on my chest. — This article says that there is a strong energetic connection between twin flames, connecting hearts. I wonder if the fact that I feel warmth and burning in my chest when I think about Leo is our connection?

— Who knows, friend! Time will tell, — Kate smiled. — I think I gave you a lot of food for thought. And now let’s set the table! It’s almost midnight.

We generously set the table, filling it with prepared salads, appetizers, meat and champagne. I froze with a glass in my hands, impatiently awaiting those special seconds when I need to make a wish.

It’s strange, but when the chimes began to strike, I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Just like on my birthday, Leo’s image stubbornly stood before my eyes.

— Let us finally get closer in the new year! — I gave in and whispered in those cherished seconds, already forgetting that a couple of hours ago I was ashamed of my thoughts about him.

I felt that at that moment the Universe was listening to me attentively, as were a million people around the world. I wonder what Leo himself wished for in those seconds?

After celebrating the New Year, I started getting up early again, as I was used to. In St. Petersburg, I got up every day at six in the morning to get to work on time, and on weekends I didn’t want to waste my precious free hours sleeping. Getting enough sleep was not one of my habits, and even now, visiting Kate in Moscow, I got up early, cooked breakfast and sat down to read another book. Next in line was a classic work on evolutionary psychology.

My interest in this topic was multiplied by the intoxicating feeling that my knowledge was needed and recognized by an authoritative person for me — Eva Schwein. Leo and I would do a deeply thought-out project and not lose face, it would be a real fusion of the energies of two people equal in intelligence and vitality. His appearance in my life was certainly alchemical, opening up in me tireless strength and interest in work — now it was done not mechanically, but with a spark, a piece of soul. One day I was walking along the streets of Moscow, richly decorated with New Year’s illuminations. My attention was drawn to the bright display window of a souvenir shop of a famous chocolate factory. I went inside and got lost among the abundance of sweets in bright wrappers, preserving the familiar and unchanging taste of childhood. This would be a good gift from the trip for my colleagues and… Leo. I must definitely bring him a small, non-binding present. I want to give him good memories.

***

White canvas of snow. Dark lilac sky. Beginning of January. The first day at work in the new year is like a clean slate on which I wanted to write a new, inspiring story.

I had a premonition that fate was gaining momentum, and now everything would begin to change rapidly. However, walking silently to work early in the morning along the trampled snowy road and looking at the infinitely high sky, I still returned to one thought. But not about Leo. I felt how the power inside me was growing and strengthening — the one that changed reality through thoughts, the one that set everything on fire in that bright dream at the beginning of the move to St. Petersburg, which still stood before my inner eye. What will this turn out to be for me? Am I ready to accept this power and learn to control it? If only there was a mentor who would notice these changes in me, support me and teach me what to do.

My thoughts were accompanied only by the soft crunch of snow.

But, having worked less than a couple of hours on the first day, I immediately received a personal invitation from Eva Schwein to come to her office. Usually, she did not bother to explain the purpose of the audience. Probably, it was a subconscious or even conscious move — she knew that she made a frightening impression on employees, especially on her subordinates, and enjoyed this feeling of power. Naturally, I climbed up to the second floor of the administration along the white marble stairs and felt a slight tremor in my legs — why did she need to see me in person?

Trying to be as unnoticeable as a shadow, I entered the stuffy office with yellow walls and carefully perched myself on a leather chair behind a long table. Schwein got up from her seat, walked around the table covered with flowers and postcards from her travels, and sat down opposite me.

— Kira, hi! How are you doing? — she asked in a friendly manner.

— Good, — I answered carefully, watching her reaction. I considered what I could say next so as not to upset her.

— I was told how enthusiastically you work on a psychology project. Do you like doing it?

— Oh yes, very much! — my soul warmed up, as if from the sun’s rays, and a smile spread across my face.

More than studying psychology, I liked to pass on knowledge about it to people. Having planted one seed, I influenced many people in the long run: after all, those who learned from me will change their perception and behavior, enrich their knowledge and then pass it on to their circle. Moreover, I loved teaching: by looking at a person and talking to them a little, I felt what kind of character they had, their interests and level of knowledge on the topic, and I could choose the right words so that the information reached them in an understandable form.

— Kira, I see great, but still untapped potential in you. There is only one way to work with it — through practice, — our eyes met, and I noted how warmly she looked at me. This confident, strong gaze seemed to hypnotize, not allowing me to look away. — I have long wanted to implement one project…

We discussed for a long time one of her original ideas on how to increase the trust rating of products through advertising in the media. Finally, Schwein, looking at me and as if scanning me with her eyes, nodded seriously:

— And remember: do not be afraid to practice! Devote time to this, and your powers will open up.

I raised my gaze to her in response, and without looking away, suddenly became slightly embarrassed. There was something patronizing and even maternal in the way she looked at me. I nodded slowly and carefully, then stood up and left the office.

When I found myself in an empty, bright corridor and exhaled with relief, a pleasant feeling spread in my chest. I heard and observed for myself how cruel she could be, how any inappropriate word could irritate her. But now I felt how carefully and gently she looked at me, how warmly she spoke to me, trying to create the illusion of an equal dialogue and at the same time not allowing me to forget that she was a leader and an authority that needed to be taken into account.

A thought flashed through my head: «And here is the mentor I wanted to find this morning. I think she gave me the answer to the question of what to do with strength — practice and practice again.» As soon as I thought about it, determination appeared in my eyes — I feel that my dreams can soon become reality. It’s time to change my life.

But at that moment I did not find the strength to openly admit to myself that one of my main desires was to be with a man who was already married.

The hardest thing was to fight with myself — after all, the forces are equal.

Nevertheless, under the crust of moral torment, I felt something else — as if I was right in my attraction to him and had every right to it. The only question is, why? I went down to the office and walked briskly to my desk.

— So how did it go? — my colleagues asked with interest, seeing my mysterious smile.

— Well, Schwein offered me a project…

Usually, a visit to Eva Schwein’s office was perceived as a call to the carpet. And now I was intoxicated with joy from the realization that I had not only avoided wrath, but also received an interesting project at my disposal, because she believed in my strength.

However, this was not the only pleasant event of the day. Having quietly put three liqueur candies, gifts from Moscow, and notes on the project into my bag, I went to the cherished blue door with a joyful premonition. Opening the door for me at the bell, a young man in a white coat did not ask me about anything and shouted into the lab room: «Lev, to you!»

I smiled sheepishly and went to the worn leather sofa in his office. There was Lev — with a light, quick movement, he jumped up and sat down next to me.

— How much time do we have for discussion? «I don’t want to distract you from your work too much,» I asked as peacefully as possible, continuing to show him my respect for his large workload and busy schedule.

«About half an hour, then I have to work, sorry,» he smiled amiably now, and there was no trace of the previous harshness in his tone.

«Okay, let’s get started. I’ve prepared the information for my blocks and thrown together a presentation. Here, look.»

I opened the bright blue slides on my expensive smartphone, the design of which I had spent a long time last week carefully working out the details. Leo, with unceremonious confidence, took the smartphone from my hands and pulled it towards himself.

«It’s more convenient this way,» he explained calmly.

He began to flip through the slides, froze, and carefully ran his finger along a thin crack in the corner of the screen. I laughed as I told him how I once dropped the smartphone from my hands, it flew past, hit the door, and crashed into the wall.

— What a beautiful presentation. You’re doing great! — he noted contentedly. It was obvious that he enjoyed giving praise — from the heights of his experience, and also because of his open, emotional nature. — I wouldn’t bother so much, I’d make a white background, black text, and that’s it.

— Oh, come on! Thank you! I tried, — my face was covered in a thick blush. — Do you want to see what a cool diagram of the brain I drew? Scroll to the last slide.

He stopped his gaze on the carefully drawn diagram of the brain that I explained in a simplified form the features of the psyche. The topic of neuropsychology was one of the most exciting for me, because it combined matter and spirit, body and soul. Leo looked at my drawing, silently picked up a notebook and began to make schematic sketches. — I would draw a diagram of the brain like we studied at the university, — he drew a thin line, — the new cortex is here…

I leaned over, fascinated, to watch his graceful, thin fingers draw a careless diagram. Discussing a suddenly discovered common interesting topic of brain development, we lost the original thread of the conversation — the analysis of the project. And at the same time, the count of time.

As is well known, those in love and happy do not watch the clock. Time is truly an illusion, it can freeze, stretch long and sweetly, like honey, or fly swiftly like a fired bullet. In my presence, Leo never once looked at his watch — only when we simultaneously leaned back on the sofa, laughing heartily about something and looking at each other, I stole a glance at the dial and noted that instead of half an hour, an hour had already flown by. I stretched lazily and began to collect the sheets of paper with notes, and, feeling in my pocket for three candies that had survived the flight from Moscow with me, my eyes sparkled with joy:

— And I have a small present for you. These are for you, — I handed him the sweets, wrapped in red wrappers, slightly worn from the long journey. Winking, I continued: — Just be careful, they have liqueur, don’t eat them at work. I secretly smuggled them past the security at the checkpoint.

— What are you doing! How could you! — he exclaimed and laughed. — What have you done? I’m going to get drunk, burst into Eva Schwein’s office and cause a scandal.

— Just don’t tell her it’s because of me!

We looked at each other and laughed selflessly again, as if by accident moving even closer to each other. I carefully wiped away a tear from the corner of my eye that had appeared from laughter. Usually, I was characterized by calmness and a certain phlegmaticness, restraint, but Leo’s bright emotions immediately found a response in me. I felt as if a bright energy of attraction and joy was sparkling between us.

Noting with warmth how he put three candies on his notebook, I got up from the couch and went to the exit. From formal meetings filled with tension and misunderstanding, our discussions finally began to acquire a shade of spiritual relaxation — as I used to scroll through in my thoughts before going to bed, as if catching pictures from the outside, coming from somewhere in the future. At this hour, we, two people tired from work, could forget about current problems and immerse ourselves in an interesting conversation with each other or funny stories.

Frankly and provocatively, with undisguised interest in each other, we sat in his cramped walk-through office in full view of everyone, although between us there was only conversation, and nothing more.

— I need to go, I still have to do calculations before diagnosing the code, — he sighed a little tiredly and got up from the couch.

— Probably, it is so interesting, — I tilted my head to the side, thinking. — It’s a pity that for me it is all an empty phrase. But I would like to know how you carry out all the stages of code creation, right up to the finished program. After all, I establish contacts with the media to promote your developments. How will I write competent articles and select sites for interviews if I don’t understand anything about your work? — I spread my hands in confusion.

Indeed, what was happening in the labs seemed like real magic to me. Here, in the corporation, they subjugated the laws of logic — and created programs that made life easier for thousands of people. Isn’t that magic?

— So let’s go, I’ll show you!

He beamed and threw a white coat over my shoulders over my strict business gray checkered suit. We stepped into the lab room: light poured from wide windows under the ceiling, the white space was crisscrossed with cabinets and long tables with many devices and modern monitors, at which employees in white coats worked. «Just like in my visions a couple of months ago!» — I thought with a slight shudder, looking around with interest and remembering how I had already seen these pictures once before going to bed: Leo and I in white coats going on an excursion to his lab.

Stopping near one of the cabinets, Leo took out a sheet of paper with sketches of the interface and calculations, chaotically applied by his hand, from the far shelf. Then he put it on the table and motioned for me to come over.

— These are my calculations, which now need to be systematized. Look, what is the principle. Do you see these lines drawn in dotted lines?…

He enthusiastically began to explain to me the principles of working with code and the interface. But seeing that, despite the sincere interest in my look, two deep lines ran between my eyebrows — I frowned, not understanding what he was talking about — he changed the course of his explanation and began to tell me the process of creating a program from scratch, simultaneously sketching out diagrams in a notebook. Then he darted off somewhere and came back, handing me a small metal plate. I carefully took it in my hands and began to examine it in the light, afraid to carelessly touch something with my nails. Leo continued his explanation, after which he carefully took the plate from me — for a couple of seconds our fingers touched, and warmth spread through my hand, quickly taking over my whole body. We turned warm glances of brown eyes on each other and smiled shyly.

I glanced at the laboratory staff: they were sitting at their small sections of the tables, entering something into computers or writing calculations on drawings. Some of them, mostly girls, raised their heads and openly looked at me — incomprehension was read in their gaze. «Well, let them look at me and think who I am, for whom their boss dropped his business and gave a tour.» I knew how quickly rumors spread in the corporation, behind those concrete walls with barbed wire, and I was prepared for the fact that they would start whispering and guessing about us. I was not afraid of gossip — in my life, they had never touched me. And this time, they did not appear even after months of our closeness with Leo. Or the gossip was passed on too secretly and did not touch, did not tarnish us, even when we too openly demonstrated our closeness to each other.

We both looked a little unsociable and strange, kept aloof from everyone, immersed in our thoughts. As it turned out later, a similar fate befell us both in our university years — our peers considered us «too smart» and a little avoided us. It seemed that gossip passed us by now too.

Leo gestured for me to enter a small, cluttered room in the corner of the laboratory. «And this is a centrifuge,» he waved his hand in the direction of a large round apparatus that reached my waist. «It’s needed so that…» I turned around, listening attentively to his explanation. We were alone in this cramped room, and my heart began to pound wildly again.

A smile touched my lips, and I concentrated on his speech, pondering every word and nodding encouragingly. Where attention goes, energy goes, so I was now giving it to Leo, encouraging his enthusiastic story. Being a natural teacher, he had worked as a teacher at the university for many years before this moment, and now he occasionally taught computer science lessons for children at school.

Being natural teachers with him, we were also good listeners, so now I gave him space to show himself — to give a short excursion on his favorite work.

— You know so much… Probably, it took so long to learn all this? — I asked naively at the exit, looking around the laboratory.

— Oh, you have to learn this all your life, — he answered with a smile.

Returning home in the evening, I put the kettle on and tiredly sank into a chair, once again looking around my small room, which served as a kitchen, dining room and bedroom at the same time. Having made some tea, I reached for my phone and started browsing the latest news on social networks. My soul was warmed by the memory of today’s excursion. It was much more interesting than computer science lessons at school. I wanted to learn more about the field where I work.

«Thank you for today’s excursion, it was very interesting! And maybe you can recommend what else to watch, read on the topic of programming? Only popular science, something for beginners,» I sent a message to Leo.

I wanted to continue the conversation — I felt that mutual understanding was beginning to emerge between us. For him, as for me, the intellectual aspect of life is important, he loves his profession dearly.

«Watch my lectures. Otherwise, I’ll look for something,» he replied with a laughing smiley. I dropped my shoulders in disappointment and pushed my cup of tea aside. «Okay, thank you,» I typed in response.

It seems he does not share my enthusiasm, and our rapprochement today was again illusory. What is this? One step forward, two steps back!

Probably, I showed too much sympathy and initiative in communication. It was the same in all previous romances, and it ended pitifully. But I did not know how to do it any other way.

«You need too much attention, mind your own business already,» the last words of my ex-fiancé surfaced in my memory, as if reviving old wounds.

Time after time, I chose men who did not show affection for me, because I believed that, in essence, there was nothing to love about me, and stubbornly sought their attention in order to control for what qualities and at what moment they liked me.

On the one hand, it was exciting for me and safe for my psyche. As soon as I lost control over the situation in the relationship, I could distance myself. On the other hand, it put me in a vulnerable position, because it showed susceptibility, dependence of mood on another person. Thus, giving him a kind of power over me. I had already been burned more than once in communication with Leo — he talked to me with interest, but only about work. And I still considered myself unworthy of the attention of his important person, continuing to strenuously demonstrate all the good things that could interest him. I did not show only the most important thing — true love and respect for myself. Maybe because they were not there. Nevertheless, I felt that he was gradually beginning to open up to me, because he is very cautious, and his mental organization is too delicate, if it is not about work.

***

— Kira, why do you have such a scared look again? — Eva Schwein asked me in surprise, as soon as I sat down on a chair in her spacious office.

Less than a minute ago, my boss called me and told me to go up to their office. I immediately put my business aside and went up to the second floor. As usual, they didn’t tell me the purpose of the visit, and that could mean anything. It’s better to immediately prepare yourself for the worst — then a different outcome will be a pleasant surprise.

— Yes, it’s not scared, I was just in a hurry, running to you, — I shrugged and smiled.

Her strong gaze, filled with warmth, had a strange effect on me, like hypnosis, and instantly calmed me down. I turned my head and glanced at the boss, sitting on the other side of the table.

— Now I’ll send you out the door to get some air, — she threatened me with feigned anger, and I couldn’t hold back a sincere smile.

— I’m calm.

— Kira, we would like to offer you to join another new project of ours. If you can handle it, we will offer you a promotion.

I froze for a moment, clutching the arms of my chair tightly. As soon as I sat in the silence and shade for a couple of months, the top management noticed me and immediately began pushing me up the career ladder. And I only graduated from university six months ago, and I was still studying! Isn’t this too fast?

— Kira, what’s wrong with you? Are you afraid you won’t be able to handle it? — Schwein looked into my eyes with slight concern.

I had never seen that cautious look before. All she had ever shown in front of me was anger at other employees.

— Oh, what are you saying, no! If it needs to be done, then I have no option but to handle it, — I smiled and shrugged. My head was spinning slightly from the prospects at work.

Two hours later, we met Eva Schwein again, in a spacious round conference room where the sight of the dark wooden columns along the walls warmed us up on a frosty winter day. It was the final lecturers’ meeting before the start of the project for which we were preparing psychological training, and a dozen people were seated around a long glass table.

I turned around and saw Leo. He paused for a moment in the doorway, glanced around the table, and then quietly walked over and sat down on the chair next to me. I looked at him and smiled warmly. The meeting had begun.

Schwein picked up a sheet of paper with the names of the employees who had applied to participate in the training project and ran her gaze down the list.

— Vasily? The mechanic from the garage? — She looked up at us and continued with a loud laugh. — Don’t you think that he, how can I say this, shows the traits of a sociopath? A real one. Aiming to be a boss?

I turned around in confusion, glancing at my colleagues. They laughed artificially and tensely in response to her remark, exchanging glances with each other.

I winced slightly. «As far as I know, she is a software engineer by education, not a psychiatrist or even a psychologist. She openly diagnoses other people, and in such a rude manner and ridicules them in public? As a psychologist, I don’t understand this,» I frowned. But, remembering our warm morning conversation, I immediately tried to convince myself: «Perhaps this is just a peculiar sense of humor. And yet, it is unethical and unacceptable.»

My respect for Eva Schwein used to be unwavering, but now an unpleasant aftertaste fell on my soul. In any case, I am grateful to her for putting me to work with Leo — I want to believe with all my might that I will have the same happy story as Marina Voikova, whose happiness was built by the hands of this woman.

I caught Leo’s gaze sitting next to me — just as puzzled as mine, and shrugged slightly.

— We are crossing Ivan off the list of participants, — Schwein snapped her fingers, then ran her eyes over the column of small black text.

I put a small cross next to the name of one of the employees in my copy of the list, marking that he was no longer among the participants.

— So they put a cross on the man, — I whispered jokingly, slightly tilting my head towards Leo.

Suddenly he snatched the pen from my hands and drew a large grave cross next to the employee’s name. I stared at him with wide eyes, not understanding what he was doing. — That’s how you put a cross on a person! — he blurted out unexpectedly loudly, and silence hung in the air.

A dozen pairs of eyes stared at us, displeased and at the same time surprised.

«Typical of a knight of swords with his harsh humor, no less,» I thought, taking the pen from him. On the outside, I was embarrassed, but deep inside, something timidly rejoiced at his latest inept attempt to get closer to me.

«And now let’s move on to the last question,» Eva Schwein continued, breaking the awkward pause hanging in the air. — After the participants listen to your lectures, they will need to prepare a final paper. And each of you must become a curator for one of them. And Kira will take two at once!

— Me? — I was taken aback, tearing my gaze away from the sheet of paper covered with writing and raising it to her. — But how can I be a curator of more experienced employees? I’ve only been here for a short time!

— You can do it! — Leo’s confident voice suddenly rang out over my ear.

I, and everyone else after me, stared at him in surprise. Seeing how my face was flushed with a thick blush and a wide smile did not leave my lips, my colleagues decided to tactfully remain silent. I felt that the blood was burning my cheeks from the inside. My chaotically wandering, embarrassed gaze caught on his hand with its graceful fingers — I wanted so much to cover it with my palm now as a sign of ardent gratitude. But the unchanging shine of the ring on his finger burned me, and I, slightly drooping, looked away from his hands.

— Thank you for your support! — I only whispered, unable to raise my eyes to him. «You’ll succeed, you’re responsible,» he whispered back.

At that moment, it seemed like bright flowers had blossomed in my soul under the hot sunlight — despite the frost outside. Leo supported me in front of everyone, like a true knight. I remembered all our cozy get-togethers in his office and video calls to discuss the project from home, the warm touch of hands during the excursion.

The meeting ended, and everyone left the room. I lingered a little, collecting sheets of paper with notes, and went to the door. Leo remained in the office when everyone left, and waited for me near the exit. I looked up at him and saw how he looked back — tenderly and patronizingly. He was happy to stand up for me and proud of himself.

«Leo, thank you again,» I barely audibly said, trying not to betray my traitorously ragged breathing. We walked down the narrow white corridor as slowly as possible, discussing various little things. As we were going down the marble stairs, I accidentally tripped, and the sheets of paper I had carefully collected fell out of my hands with a loud rustle. Leo turned around in a flash:

— What are you doing! You scared me! I was already tensed, ready to catch you! — he blurted out loudly, so that the employees standing by the stairs heard us, and bent down, collecting the papers.

— Thank you. Everything is falling out of my hands, I need to sleep more, — I smiled embarrassedly, taking the stack of sheets from his hands.

— Take care of yourself, — he said briefly, and we went our separate ways.

And only at the end of the day, calmly finishing work on another report, inspired by our warm conversation today, I felt the first cracks appear in my heart.

A colleague from the neighboring department ran into the office, loudly exclaiming:

— And I told you that Lev’s wife, Christina, is pregnant! Look, she’s going on maternity leave in April!

I glanced at her briefly and immediately looked away, feeling how all the weight of the world was gathering in them. A deep furrow ran between my eyebrows. I knew that they had been unable to have a child for so many years — gods, why now? When everything was just starting to get better?

The world before my eyes swam, shattered into pieces, like a kaleidoscope, and I turned away to the window, absentmindedly looking at my gloomy reflection. It was as if someone had struck me with a sharp point under the solar plexus, and I almost doubled over, greedily gasping for air. Now I didn’t even try to hide my grief from my colleagues, which shone through in my every movement and gathered like heaviness around my eyes. Just a little more — and streams of tears will flow from them.

I need to hold back, not to burst into tears right here, wait until I get home…

Pregnant? But how can that be? After all, we are already in love, and the ice between us has broken — it can’t be stopped.

I didn’t know that in one day you can experience so much delight and so much pain.

***

Tuesday. This weekend we were supposed to present our psychology project. I was nervous, because I felt a great responsibility, especially at my first training in my life. So today after lunch we scheduled a training session with Leo in the conference hall.

I knew that psychology and emotions are his element, when he takes off the protective masks of an intellectual, and a conversation about them will be lively, interesting and sincere, unlike some report on abstract topics. It will be a real hour and a half of rest in the middle of a hard working day, a breath of fresh air.

If only I could forget this pain from the news of his wife’s pregnancy, which in an instant darkened all hopes. An immoral pain, to which I, in fact, had no right. And yet, it was destroying from the inside.

I wanted to go up to Leo, shake him by the shoulders and throw out all my despair in a scream: «How could you?!»

But what would he answer me? How could he do what? Have a child with his legal wife after we worked on a work project together and when he stood up for me at a meeting? Seriously?

I don’t even have the right to show the pain that’s persistently twisting my insides.

I have to survive another day, step by step. I threw a small thermos I had long forgotten into my bag: today I was going to secretly pour coffee in our office, take a couple of paper cups and take it all to another building, where our rehearsal would take place.

Through these difficulties, I was going to treat and please Leo, and also create a working mood for myself, since the caffeine had long been absorbed into my blood and kept me afloat.

Before leaving, I looked in the mirror — I chose a strict black shirt dress, cinched at the thin waist with a belt with a snake print. Clear forms and nothing superfluous. Nodding to my reflection, I left the house, once again making the long walk to work across half the city.

Running into the conference room five minutes before the appointed time, I set the cups on the table, poured coffee. I connected the presentation, into which so much effort and time had been invested. Leo slowly entered the office, threw his jacket on the sofa and sat down next to me at the table.

«Here. Black, no sugar,» I confidently pushed the cup towards him.

«Thank you, that’s how I drink it. As if you’ve known me for ages,» he smiled.

«Start your story,» I nodded warmly to him, «your block opens our module.»

Leo paused slightly, then began telling me the introductory part. I followed his story with interest. It was obvious that he was making up a speech on the fly. This made me smile.

He caught my sly glance and gave in — he began to openly discuss with me how best to structure the presentation in this or that part. His speech was full of vivid examples and jokes on the verge of decency, so that I laughed loudly and heartily, losing control of myself, and tears appeared in the corners of my eyes.

— Stop laughing at me! Now I’ll look at you, how you’re going to tell it! — he exclaimed with feigned indignation.

I slid a tender glance at him and, after hesitating for a second, reached out and brushed a thread off his sweater. Then I turned away from the screen, leaned back in the chair, stretching out my leg in a high boot. My hand lay on the armrest, accidentally exposing a deep, bright scratch recently earned through carelessness.

— What’s wrong with your hand? — he exclaimed worriedly, as soon as I turned my hand over. I turned around and saw that he reflexively extended his hand to mine, holding it back a millimeter so as not to touch my skin.

— Oh, nonsense, cooking. Domestic injuries, — I smiled and began to tell my block, picking up his speech.

Luckily, we fit in exactly an hour and a half, as we originally planned.

— Forgive me for laughing at the beginning. I was laughing not at you, but with you. You charge me with a good mood, positive emotions of a high degree of intensity, — I made a reference to the terms from our lecture and smiled.

He narrowed his eyes, pretending to look at me critically:

— Okay, I’m not one of those who take offense, — he finally stopped pretending and winked.

I beamed, laughed and began to pack my things. Despite the recent injury, which I thought was incompatible with life, my soul was now filled with lightness, I wanted to soar, dance and even sing — the latter happened extremely rarely with my reserved nature. I did not want to work.

I went outside, turned my face to the cold winter sun and listened to the crunch of freshly fallen snow under my heels.

The snowflakes shimmered with mother-of-pearl and sparkled — it was the icy calm and peace of nature. They lay and shimmered in the same way hundreds of thousands of years ago, before the arrival of man, and now they calmly cover the asphalt, the roof of the business center and the barbed wire on the fence.

«It was so nice when we just lived in the wild and were a part of it,» flashed through my mind, and I shook my head, driving away the strange thoughts that again referred to the past, in which I could not live. Or could I? I often caught myself comparing our time with past eras and even analyzing what had become better and what had become worse.

«What past lives, I can’t even figure out this one!» I grinned with annoyance.

It seems that today I failed to fit into the sharp turn of fate. Four months ago, it made a sharp turn, bringing Leo and me together with the hands of Eva Schwein. The ice between us began to melt quite recently, but I was not completely sure of this either — Leo looked so cautious that he hid in his shell at the first opportunity.

Maybe these premonitions and visions are wrong? Since nothing has happened between us in four months, it is stupid to hope for anything further. When we present the project, there will be nothing else connecting us. No matter how hard it is, it is better to let go of something that has not yet really begun.

If this is fate, then he will come back.

Chapter 4. Two of Cups, King and Queen

Everything the anima touches becomes numinous — unconditional, dangerous, taboo, magical. She affords the most convincing reasons for not prying into the unconscious, an occupation that would break down our moral inhibitions and unleash that had better been left unconscious and undisturbed. for life in itself is not good only, it is also bad. Because the anima wants life, she wants both good and bad.

C. G. Jung. Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious

Our path is one, Love!

Merge us into one heart!

Scarlet, scarlet blood,

Prophetic, prophetic heart…

Z. Gippius. 1901

In just a couple of days, the presentation of our project will take place. How much effort and hope has been put into it! And now, very soon, we, a beautiful couple of young scientists, will go on stage to talk about the fruits of our labor.

The thoughts of this event were so exciting that I could not fall asleep, tossing and turning in the hard bed. The realization that dozens of eyes would be watching us closely, and that I would again be dangerously close to him, was intoxicating.

I brewed some herbal tea before going to bed and smiled at my thoughts. I tried to reach the star. It was looming very close — we worked side by side, I could already clearly see how he was starting to get used to me, how his sympathy and interest were awakening and… nothing? And what next? Will the star apparently continue to tremble like a teasing reflection in the puddles?

Okay, let our performance pass, and then come what may.

With difficulty giving up the thoughts that were stirring my heart, I gently fell asleep.

***

…I immediately felt how the dream was deeply captivating, drawing me into its world. These were not just bright, but superficial and meaningless pictures, as often happens. That night I acutely felt as if my soul was traveling, flying away to vaguely familiar ancient worlds.

I felt that I was walking barefoot along a dusty road heated by the sun, and someone was squeezing my hand tightly. It was him… My Leo — in a strange, gray tunic, and most importantly — with a child in his arms. We loved each other, but were deeply unhappy. I felt with my whole body a numbing pain, which happens when something irreversible happens. A feeling of hopelessness and fear that things will never be as before…

Everything inside was turning over from inexplicable anxiety. In this strength with which he held my hand, one could read stoic bitterness and humility before a heavy burden.

— Leo? — I called him.

He turned to me with a kind, sad smile.

— What should I do? How can I relieve you of pain? Please, tell me, — I felt the lump in my throat become more painful with each word.

Suddenly the forest behind him dissolved, and we found ourselves together in a small but cozy wooden hut. Bunches of dried herbs were hanging from the ceiling, the air was filled with the tantalizing aroma of fresh bread and honey, and on the table stood a tall, unlit wax candle. I reached out, touched the wick with my fingers — and immediately the fire flared up with a quiet crackle, casting an amber shimmer on Leo sitting in front of me, only now half his age. The tongues of flame were reflected in his expressive brown eyes, inquisitively studying me. I looked down at my hands and saw the white sleeves of a tunic beautifully embroidered with red thread. — Well, where are you? I’m waiting for you, — Leo smiled again with the expression of a child who had been jokingly offended. — I asked you to help me light the extinguished fire in me.

He nodded at the candle that had just flared up from the touch of my fingers.

— But how can I help you?

— Touch me.

Leo reached out to me, but I instinctively recoiled, afraid of burning him. Smiling slightly hurt, he removed his hand.

— I want it, I really want it! — I finally blurted out passionately, feeling the lights in my chest and lower abdomen flare up again. — But I already doubt whether I can do it. And as soon as I decide, you move away, not taking a step towards me. I’m tired of the unknown…

— I’m afraid myself. But I want it, but I can’t take a step towards you. Please, just go and do it first…

— But how? — I exclaimed, not understanding anything.

My sharp voice made the candle flame flare up and smoke with a stream of black smoke.

My gaze, as if under hypnosis, was riveted to the flame — amber-brown eyes greedily absorbed the power of the fire. Suddenly I felt how the warmth in my chest turned into a red-hot ball, the warmth of which filled me from head to toe, the whole room. If I touch Leo, it would spread to him. The blood inside seemed to boil, and suddenly it became very joyful and light — just a little more, and I would soar in the air. A wide, bright smile lit up my face, and a quiet, sincere laugh burst from my chest. And suddenly I felt the touch of Leo’s hand on my shoulder.

— Save me, — he whispered, gently pushing me to stand up.

I stood up, not feeling the floor under my feet and slightly swaying from the unusual sensation. Leo carefully picked me up, and I felt a powerful charge of hot energy run through my body from the contact of our hands. I raised my clouded gaze to him and saw gratitude and the fire in his eyes that he so longed to receive from me.

— Leo… — I whispered, but he suddenly leaned over and interrupted me with a kiss.

— Thank you! Don’t be afraid of anything. You are better and stronger than me, — he finally whispered feverishly.

He picked me up in his arms and with light movements carried me to the spacious bed.

— Kira… Do you know that you are not dreaming this? — he whispered in my ear, pulling my tunic off.

***

I woke up in a cold sweat, feeling my heart pounding. I looked at my hands — they were covered in goosebumps. My soul felt very warm, as if Leo had really spoken to me in that dream, and my body still bore traces of his hot touches. But how is that possible? And that child in his arms. Was I really dreaming this? I think I’m starting to go crazy…

Getting out of bed to pour myself some water, I saw that the alarm was about to ring. There was no point in going to bed again. I filled a glass and went to the window, looking at the still-sleeping neighborhood and the rare windows glowing with light.

The veil of sleep came off like a wave from the shore, leaving something important in my soul. I felt strength and confidence growing in my solar plexus: I can’t leave Leo, he needs me and I have to do something. But what? The day after tomorrow is our project defense. After which nothing will connect us anymore. What can I do in such a short time?

Time to get ready for work. Maybe the answer will come to me during the day, as it often did before.

But the day flew by, and I returned home without answers. Friday evening was traditionally a time to indulge in solitude and sum up the week. Usually I asked the Tarot cards for advice for the coming week, but this time I thought that they could give me answers to the questions that were troubling me about Leo. Because my own intuition and power of thought seemed to have temporarily led me to a dead end.

I lit the white candles that always stood on the table and listened with pleasure to their crackling. The power of fire inspired and nourished me. I took out the deck and slowly shuffled the cards. A warm charge immediately passed through my hands — they had very strong energy. I tuned in, stopped the endless movement of thoughts in my head and focused on the image of Leo in my inner eye. Here is his wide smile, here is his mischievous look from behind his glasses, his stretched sweater, his hands shaking with excitement, here we are sitting next to each other on the couch in his office and carefree and laughing loudly…

— Cards, tell me, what are his intentions towards me?

I laid out three cards from the deck, opened them and was taken aback. They seemed to be saying: «We are showing you the whole truth and warning you. Act further as you see fit.» These cards had not appeared in my layouts before. There were simply no events in my life that would be in tune with these energies. Now the Three of Cups, the Devil and the Ten of Swords were looking at me in undisguised prosaicness. «In common parlance it is called „he played with me and dumped me“, these are his intentions,» I grinned.

What do these cards mean? It seems that Leo wants to share this fun with me, to have a glass or two of wine… But I knew that in love layouts the Three of Cups has another meaning — a love triangle. This ambiguous picture was plunged into absolutely black tones by the last card — the Ten of Swords. A man was lying on the ground, nailed by many blades, a pool of blood had spread under him, the sky and clouds were black above — harbingers of a storm. The worst card.

I swallowed nervously and closed my eyes. Leo decided to look beyond the boundaries of his moral standards and admit to himself that he is attracted to me, and he is even thinking about the possibility of a love triangle. But he is fully aware that this relationship will end badly, and is ready to cause pain — to me, and, perhaps, to himself and his wife. A love triangle causes pain to all its participants. — What nonsense… Nothing good will come of it anyway, — I shrugged and put the cards down.

Suddenly I felt how hot it was in the room. I was just about to get up to open the window and take a cold shower, when I immediately felt a strange cool breeze — goosebumps ran across my skin.

I turned my head sharply towards the window — it was tightly closed. The cool stream touched me again — this time on my other shoulder. Yes, it was most like someone’s light touch.

«I’m winding myself up because of anxiety, it’s just a draft,» I stubbornly tried to convince myself, but some ancient and wise part of me knew that this was not just like that. As if to confirm my contradictory thoughts, a cold stream passed right by my ear — and then the candles went out at once. The suddenly dark room was filled with light gray smoke and the smell of burning.

«What the hell is this?!» I froze, afraid to move. «Freeze» is the most ancient reaction to danger, and in situations of threat, both reptiles and people react the same way, trying not to give away their presence. At that moment, I did not feel like the mistress of the apartment — I was afraid of this strange cold stream.

I held my breath. A second, three, five. Everything stopped — and I jumped up abruptly, like a thief almost caught red-handed. I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I stood under the cold streams of water — they sobered me up, brought me back to reality, washed away all the gloom and obsession. «Well, I’m so impressionable! I got scared of some draft and hid from it in my own bathroom!» I smiled at my thoughts.

I got out from under the cold shower, wrapped myself in a towel. I turned to glance at the mirror, and… suddenly felt my foot slip awkwardly on the wet tiles.

In an instant, I found myself on the floor, miraculously grabbing the edge of the bathtub. A chill ran down my back: «My body reacted faster than me! I’m afraid to imagine what would have happened if my head or neck had been where my hand was… Brrr!» Something else was mixed in with the goosebumps — again that persistent cool stream of air, strikingly similar to touches. «What do you want? I give up!» I thought helplessly, carefully getting up. I returned to the room, limping slightly. And I sank down on the sofa, thoughtfully looking out the window at the numerous lights of the multi-story buildings. My eyes softly closed on their own due to fatigue, and I did not notice how I dozed off. Through my sleep I felt a cold stream of air touch my hand again. And gradually, when the outside world faded, this cold took shape before my inner eye.

— What are you doing here? — I exclaimed in fear, seeing Leo’s image in front of me, emerging against the background of thick blackness.

— You were thinking about me, and I came. I feel you, — he bowed slightly with his signature wide smile and brought my palm to his lips, leaving a light kiss on it. — Or have you forgotten?

— Let’s say I guessed, but I didn’t know. You are doing strange things to me — I haven’t picked up Tarot cards for a long time, and now thoughts of you won’t let me go. Do you know what’s going on?

— Our meeting was predetermined even before birth, — he nodded seriously. — And I was waiting for you — you yourself felt that some force was deliberately leading you here, to Petersburg. Ever since school, you have seen vague images of a huge corporation and new technologies before your eyes and anticipated my appearance, strove to find me and this place. So go to the end!

I looked up and, slightly squinting, stared at Leo, evaluating his words. «How does he know about my visions?» I shuddered. The look of his dark eyes was unusually serious — he stared at me intently in response, as if making it clear that what was said should not be questioned.

«And what do I need to do?» I whispered, as if under hypnosis, looking into his almost black eyes.

«Just be sure of your intention to reunite until the end, and I will come.»

…I opened my eyes sharply. The sensation of the cold stream’s touch still remained on my skin. I glanced at the watch on my wrist — I had only dozed for about forty minutes.

Some strong clot of energy appeared in the solar plexus and chest — my body had never reacted to any man before. And he’s right!

I really have had visions since I was fourteen — as if within the walls of a large corporation I meet a tall young man with a shock of dark hair, wearing glasses, so serious and playful at the same time, with whom we work together on a project.

Is there any point in resisting what is predestined? Maybe my whole life up to this point has led to this moment — how can you refuse the interweaving of fate?

***

The long-awaited weekend has arrived. Our event was split into two days, and Leo and I presented our project at the end of the program. So on the first day, I went alone. Leaving home at half past six in the morning, I set off on a long but already familiar journey from a remote residential area to the city center — Petrogradsky Island, where St. Petersburg began to emerge.

The spacious Leo Tolstoy Square opened up to my gaze, surrounded by intricately decorated building facades as dominant features of the island — stone lace the color of coffee foam, white chocolate and rose petals.

— Good morning. Today you are especially beautiful, — I mentally addressed the spirit of St. Petersburg, briskly walking to the coffee shop.

A smile did not leave my lips, my whole body was seized by a joyful and light feeling. Everything pleased my gaze, everything seemed especially bright and enchanting. There was a premonition of rapid changes in the air and the imminent arrival of spring, my favorite time of year, when nature awakens to life and gives new hope.

— You heard my call to give in to love, — I seemed to hear the answer of the spirit of this most mystical city in the country. — Relax. The days of triumph you have been waiting for so long have come.

Having drunk coffee on the go, while climbing the stairs of the old, half-restored building, I entered the venue. A spacious round hall opened up to my gaze, its numerous windows generously filled the air with light and opened up a view of the majestic building of the Mironov Theater, dressed in black lace.

Gradually, the hall filled with employees and lecturers, filled with the hubbub of joyful voices. Finally, everyone sat down along the perimeter, fell silent and immersed themselves in work. What was happening was truly captivating: this relaxed atmosphere in which people opened up in a different way, outside the framework of work, and most importantly — the common desire for knowledge that everyone present shared. Yes, they may forget more than half of what they heard the next day, but today everyone has a chance to learn something new, to plant a new seed of an idea in themselves, which can then influence their thoughts, actions and even their worldview.

Time flew by while they were working, and lunch came unnoticed. A small group of colleagues and I headed to a coffee shop across the street, sharing our impressions of the first part of the program along the way.

«You look gorgeous today,» one of them whispered in my ear.

My face lit up with a smile. I had just hurriedly pulled on a black jumpsuit made of flowing fabric in the morning, threw a strict black jacket over it, and casually shaded my lips with red lipstick.

But today’s outfit is nothing. And what will happen tomorrow!.. I couldn’t hold back a wide smile, already anticipating my triumph tomorrow after my long and careful preparations.

We were walking along a busy street, when suddenly my phone vibrated in my pocket. «Another spam,» I thought.

But I saw the notification on the screen and froze.

«How is the event going? By the way, there is an error in your brochure for it.»

«Leo,» I smiled widely at the most unexpected message in the world, warmth and light quickly spreading across my chest. Today, February 19, he wrote to me himself for the first time — not about work, not to corporate email, but personally, asking how my day was going. I felt that he needed a reason to write to me — let him at least start by pointing out my small mistake in preparing the brochure for the event.

«Kira, why are you frozen? Let’s go!» my colleagues called out to me. I didn’t even notice how I stopped in the middle of the crowd — the world around me ceased to exist, and I was enthusiastically typing the answer with my fingers reddened by the cold:

— We are all imperfect, what can you do. The event is going interestingly, and how is your day?

Raising my head, I could no longer hide the wide smile that gave me away. The girls exchanged meaningful glances and smiled: they liked to tease me jokingly about admirers. I was not a lonely girl — I was a girl on my own. And I took all the courtship of young men and attempts to introduce me to someone rather coolly — after all, my heart had been taken from the very day Leo and I crossed eyes at the checkpoint.

Funny, hopeless? But today, for the first time, I answered them with a sincere smile, and not a strained mask as a tribute to the game.

Another cautious step towards each other — as if we were rebuilding a once destroyed bridge over an abyss brick by brick. He ignored my question and only naively wrote:

— Schwein doesn’t scold me that I didn’t come?

— No, — I sent with a smiling emoticon, thinking about his excessive caution in relation to the one whom I treated as a mentor.

Eva Schwein treated Leo with the same slightly maternal warmth as she did me — she encouraged and involved him in projects so that he would open up and shine with the bright color of his mind.

We were her favorite «children» in a professional sense: silently and carefully working, a little apart from everyone, knowing that at one moment the finest hour will come, and we will carefully but confidently make our move that will amaze everyone. Far-sighted management usually notices this type of person early on and tries to keep them close, and her impulse to create an alliance between us was truly alchemical and fateful.

Leo felt her attitude — while many were afraid of Eva Schwein, he could easily come to her to discuss a project or express his opinion on a matter, and she also freely called him to her audience. In three years of work in the corporation, he grew from an ordinary programmer to a manager and chief scientist, and I called him «the soul of this place.» One mind or one strength does not decide anything — their harmonious combination is important.

While the others jokingly tried to matchmake everyone in the company with me, only Eva Schwein somehow knew who I really needed. And I alone knew what she wanted to see in work, and anticipated her desires. As if we had known each other for more than one life.

The first day of the event came to an end. Tomorrow I had to be here, on Petrogradka, at seven in the morning, on a cunningly planned and important matter for me. Since I would have to leave home at five in the morning, when the buses weren’t running yet, and then spend the whole day in an extremely attentive state studying, I generously rented a room for the night in a nearby hotel. Here they are — the costs of logistics in a big city!

Having locked myself with two locks in a room permeated with the same strange smell of dampness as the entire hotel, I watched a comedy before going to bed (it turned out to be about a love triangle, by pure chance) and fell asleep. Already at six in the morning, unusually alert for such an early hour, I carefully placed the keys on the reception desk and quietly slipped out into the street.

At this time, the streets of Petrogradsky Island were especially quiet, in anticipation of the first city dwellers rushing about on business. I had walked here all night long in the summer, but in winter it was a strikingly different picture. The narrow sidewalks near the intricately decorated houses were covered with a thin and loose, still untouched layer of snow, which in the dawn twilight and the light of the street lamps shimmered sometimes lilac, sometimes golden. The whole city was asleep on this Sunday morning, only I was awake. Making my way through the narrow streets, I came out to a spacious park, from behind the black silhouettes of the trees of which the majestic gilded spire of the Peter and Paul Cathedral was visible very close — once the highest point in the city, now a symbol of St. Petersburg. Quiet peace. Perhaps we could become friends with this city on this day and hour. Today the air was literally filled with the expectation of a miracle and a fairy tale, and I felt how a few hours would pass and the long-awaited triumph awaited me. — Give me a miracle today, — I whispered to the spirit of the city, looking at the high dark skies from which snowflakes were softly falling.

— Good morning. Are we sure we start at nine today? — a message from Leo arrived with an unexpectedly loud sound.

I shuddered, stopped in front of a small dark park and took a deep breath. And here come the miracles! Now I have to try to perceive Leo’s messages as a matter of course. But my heart began to dance joyfully. He could have asked anyone, or looked at the program of the event, but he chose to write to me this morning.

— Good morning! At 9.30 a.m., — I answered.

— Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Why did I get up so early?

— At least I have time to get ready. I’m already in Petrogradskaya, I spent the night in a hotel.

— Wow! Sounds like an interesting way to spend time.

— Well, not really, it’s just that I have things to do here in the morning, and it would be a long way from the outskirts. See you soon!

I put my phone in my bag, not trying to hide my wide smile, although who would see me in the dark on a deserted street? A little more, and I would have started dancing near this deserted park. Fluffy snow swirled in the dim orange light of the lantern and softly fell to the ground, and only my steps with a quiet crunch cut through the trembling pre-dawn silence of such a young, but already aged from the burden of history city.

The door I needed was hidden behind an inconspicuous column in the wall. Seven in the morning. I knocked and entered a small room. One of its walls was completely covered with mirrors with bright lighting, the other, on the contrary, consisted of only windows — a little time will pass, and the narrow room will be completely flooded with light. I walked in and carefully sat down on a chair opposite the mirror, in which my face was reflected, snatched from the gloom of the room by the harsh light of the diodes.

Two hours flew by unnoticed. We enthusiastically talked with the master about life, while she skillfully twisted intricate curls on my curls and applied makeup, turning my face into a beautiful stage mask.

Finally, when the final touches were applied, I breathlessly approached the large mirror. A high elegant hairstyle, porcelain skin, warm brown eyes shaded by thick eyelashes and dark gray eyeliner — all this reminded of eternal femininity, fragile aristocracy of past eras. But in combination with a strict business suit of a delicate blue color, the image gave away a girl who, despite external and internal sophistication, is ready to actively declare herself, comprehend this world and… fight for what is dear. I smiled broadly.

It often happens that the more a person’s psyche is flooded with fears and insecurities, the more brilliant his external makeup and thicker his armor. I realized that I had just given a tenth of my salary on a soap bubble — a mask that would be washed off my face by the evening.

But I could not afford to misfire. Too much effort was invested in this project, too many people would evaluate it — about thirty pairs of eyes would be directed at us. An intelligent person is beautiful, a person who transmits knowledge is delightful, and if he or she is also beautiful in appearance, then this is a triumph. But I did not fully understand what I wanted: to achieve this triumph, to transmit knowledge beautifully and light up the eyes, or to simply protect my vulnerable ego from possible criticism. But I knew one thing for sure — I wanted to impress Leo. I clearly see the goal and concentratedly pull the bowstring so that out of all thirty people I would hit only one.

I paid the master and got into a taxi. I was met by deserted avenues, already illuminated by the cold winter sun, but not yet flooded with people. The yellow car carried me towards the long-awaited day, and inside the trepidation of impatience mixed with bright confidence that something important would happen. I smiled boldly and brightly at the new morning.

There was still an hour left before the start of the event, and I went into one of my favorite coffee shops. I had to eat my usual breakfast especially carefully so as not to smudge my makeup.

— How about going out for a beer after the show? We deserve it! — Leo sent me a message.

I almost jumped up on my chair and smiled widely. The fear left my body, giving way to bright joy.

— A tempting idea, go ahead, — I answered immediately.

Having finished my breakfast, I went outside and walked around the square to our venue. The white sun was reflected in the shiny bodies of cars rushing past tall, ornately decorated buildings — Petersburg was waking up. I carefully brushed the snowflakes off the curls framing my face.

And then I saw Leo from afar — he was walking in the opposite direction from where I needed to go. Slightly confused from excitement, I froze at the crossing, deciding not to cross the road and wait for him. He was approaching me, a little sleepy, in an old blue jacket, smoking, blowing a stream of smoke into the air. I froze in place and broke into a smile.

— Good morning! Where are you going? Our building is on the opposite side, — I tilted my head to the side with a smile.

He was clearly puzzled, meeting me with my festive makeup and hairdo. We were finally alone, without witnesses, and it was a happy coincidence that he went the wrong way right now, when I left the cafe.

— The navigator showed me that the place is here, — he shrugged his shoulders in confusion.

— Well, Leo, I was there yesterday, I know exactly where it is. Let’s go.

We stopped, waiting for the traffic light.

— Can you imagine, no one warned my colleague that today the start was later, he arrived and is already sitting there alone, — he laughed, and I laughed after him.

— Well, you see, no one took care of him, and you have me, — I said quietly, breathless from my own courage.

— So you didn’t take care of me either! — he exclaimed, and his voice dropped to a high note. — You could have warned me yesterday! I woke up early and was lying in bed, staring at my phone.

— Well, you could have asked me yourself yesterday. I don’t always like to text first, — I cheerfully parried the blow.

We crossed the road and found ourselves opposite yet another bakery, of which there are thousands scattered throughout St. Petersburg.

— In that case, we need to stop for coffee, — he threw at me in a tone that brooked no argument.

I was slightly surprised and followed him inside. The dim, warm light and the lack of customers created a special atmosphere in this place, and we lowered our voices slightly. I thoughtfully looked at the menu on the wall.

— I’ll have a double espresso, — he turned to me. — Will you have coffee?

— Me? — his question caught me off guard, and I blinked my eyelashes in confusion. — Of course, thank you! Cappuccino.

Warmth suddenly spread through my body. Perhaps this was just a gesture of politeness, but this bold and abrupt display of sympathy towards me was too unlike him. Leo’s offer was a pleasant surprise for me. I felt that he, usually a little awkward when it came to saying something nice, now expressed his affection and a bit of care with this gesture. In an attempt to distract Leo from seeing my deep blush, which showed through the thick mask of makeup, I started chatting about abstract topics and news related to our corporation. Laughing at another joke, we went outside, sipping coffee from identical red cups. And came face to face with the boss, who was coming out of the metro. With the one to whom I so rashly revealed my secret in the fall — my sympathy for Leo.

— Hi, — she said in surprise, looking at us. She was clearly puzzled why we were walking together from the opposite side of the metro, drinking the same coffee and chatting casually, considering that she had known my secret for a long time. — Are you already rehearsing?

— Well, something like that. I arrived early to get ready. It’s the second time in my life that I’m doing professional makeup, — I said, hinting at the importance of today for me.

— Kira is going to our wedding, — she laughed.

— Well, no, — as always, I said embarrassedly, smoothing over the edges of the acute topic. — I just wanted to hide my corpse-like appearance, nothing more.

— Why do you look corpse-like? Are you pregnant? Do you feel sick at night? — Leo interjected in his Knight of Swords style.

We emerged from the underpass onto the street. I was a little hurt by his joke — it seemed he wasn’t taking me seriously and was allowing for the possibility that I was already in a relationship and could even be pregnant. Oh, if only he knew…

— Oh, no. The only thing I can give birth to now is projects, — I snapped, looking away. Perhaps a little more sharply than I wanted.

— You see, — the boss raised her index finger meaningfully. — A careerist!

That’s it. People continued to see me as a lady of fire, a Queen of Wands — an archetype of a businesswoman who is only interested in her projects, and puts independence and self-sufficiency first, while relationships are somewhere in the background. «Too interested in her career,» «too much male energy,» «the type of women who are frantically building a career until they’re thirty» — I often heard such comments about myself, although I didn’t try to create such an impression. They didn’t even know that inside there actually lived a tender, vulnerable and devoted soul, who was really waiting for her other half. I built a career and studied a lot, because I was truly interested in this world, there was a fire burning inside me that I wanted to convey to many people — but also make a cozy hearth out of it that would warm my chosen one. I wanted to be a business Queen of Wands for everyone and a sensual Queen of Cups for only one.

— Not true. It’s just that there is a time for everything, — I nodded conciliatorily, looking at Leo and addressing these words to him.

— It will come, and you will love children, — Leo said with softness in his voice.

I turned around and took a sip of the coffee he bought. He loves children, and I always saw myself next to exactly such a man, but, alas, his eyes are now joyfully shining in anticipation of a child from another woman.

Stop. I took a deep breath. I must not let this pain into my heart. Ahead is a special, long-awaited day!

We approached an old cast-iron door, painted burgundy. The boss came up to me, trying to figure out how to open it.

«Tell me later how much I should tip you for the book,» Leo leaned toward me.

A couple of days ago, at the final meeting for the upcoming event, I announced that I had bought a book and would like to present it to the most active participant in our training. Turning to Leo in a businesslike manner, I perhaps told him too loudly to chip in for it. A wave of laughter swept through the room, and I blushed to my ears.

«Kira, how mercenary you are!» Eva Schwein scolded me with a smile, but I saw approval in her eyes.

I answered sheepishly that I was joking and, since it was my initiative, there was no need to chip in. At that moment, I really felt ashamed. Now, after his words, my gaze was covered with tenderness. — Oh, Leo, don’t bother, — I smiled charmingly and, as if under the influence of a magnet, leaned closer to him and patted his shoulder. — Just buy me a beer later, and that’s the end of it.

The boss turned around, her gaze lingered on us, standing too close, on my hand lying on his shoulder. Trying to hide her surprise, she asked:

— Does anyone know how to open this door?

We pulled the handle, and the door gave in. Leo and I left our things in the cloakroom (he gave me a hanger with a confident, gallant gesture) and crossed the spacious round hall, demonstratively sitting down next to each other.

— You are so dressed up today, and we are so ordinary today, — one of the employees leaned towards us and said cheerfully.

I looked Leo over. Today he was wearing a carefully ironed white shirt, a stylish blue jacket and jeans. «I love men in suits,» I noted with a smile. My sympathy for him grew stronger with each passing minute. Leo turned and looked at me carefully, as if he was seeing me for the first time, re-evaluating me. I appeared before him in full dress for the first time. Or was it not the makeup and hair? Intercepting his attentive gaze, I shuddered and leaned slightly closer to him.

— I’m so excited about today, we’ll finally get to perform, — I shifted on the hard wooden chair, turned away and looked out the window at the long row of light-colored houses in the shade of palm trees. Then I leaned even closer to Leo and, lowering my voice, continued. — And in the evening we’ll celebrate this event and… my upcoming promotion!

— What position are you being transferred to? — he asked in surprise.

— They promised to be a leading marketing manager. Just shh, don’t tell anyone, it’s only for trusted people, — I winked at him.

— Ooooh, — he broke into a smile, flattered by the openly expressed trust. — Then great!

— Yes, I’m happy too. True, I don’t know how much longer I’ll work here. I want to go to Moscow, — I blurted out with unexpected confidence for myself, remembering how I felt a surge of energy on my last trip there. — It’s probably blasphemous to talk about its magnificence while looking out the window at the beautiful architecture of St. Petersburg?

— Not at all. I don’t like Moscow, it’s too noisy there. I’ve lived in St. Petersburg since birth and I love this city. Sometimes I go to Petrogradka on business, it’s a pleasant nostalgia, I used to teach there at the university.

We chatted a little more and fell silent, listening to the presenter. Half of the first lecture was over, and the participants split into teams, completing the task. We, the speakers, remained in our seats, left to our own devices, and huddled together.

— We need to pour some tea, — Leo stretched, turned and looked at me. Tenderness flashed in his gaze — he dared to show it, asking patronizingly. — Should I bring you some tea?

I nodded contentedly, he returned from the common table with two glasses and sat down next to me again. A colleague standing next to us glanced at us and said with deliberate innocence:

— Leo, you participate in everything here. How does your wife even let you go? Do you only come home to sleep or something?

— Well, yeah! What? — Leo smiled broadly and laughed.

I grinned slyly and looked up at my colleague, Nikita. Our eyes met. At the last meeting, where I blurted out an inappropriate mention of a book, he, looking at Leo and me sitting next to each other, suddenly brought up the topic of cheating and mistresses. The members of the meeting immediately picked it up, and the air was filled with general merriment and jokes — instead of adults, their inner children were sitting at the table, giggling at the opportunity to discuss a forbidden, sensitive topic. Their glances kept returning to us. I laughed boldly along with everyone else — I was flattered by the thought that Leo and I were causing them such associations, because we were not, in fact, lovers. Today the situation repeated itself. Perhaps, when we were close, we had already seen each other and felt like one whole, and the force of attraction between us was obvious to everyone?

Then the conversation of my colleagues turned to a professional channel. I loved being around smart people, with a sparkle in their eyes discussing their work, and I tried to understand their scientific lexicon, but so far I was not doing well.

— Well, in general, our programs are not something new! We simply modernize existing solutions and resell them, — concluded Nikita.

— And how ethical is it to sell such a program under the guise of a new one? — I cut into the conversation, catching a familiar wave about ethics.

— If you correctly present the benefits to the user, then it is ethical. You know about the placebo effect, right?

— I know, — I nodded. — People are cured of dummies by faith in their effectiveness. Self-hypnosis.

— Exactly. And in this case, faith in the best outcome plays a role — when you launch the result of long work, only this remains.

«Maybe Leo’s openness to me today is also self-hypnosis?» flashed through my head. I glanced at him again, sitting next to me, and felt some vague changes in him. «No, today he clearly behaves differently. It doesn’t seem to me.»

Leo and a couple of other employees continued discussing programming, going into the wilds of scientific terms. Standing up to stretch, I slowly walked around the room, looking at the hard-working groups of participants. Nikita and another employee, Nina, a young girl like me, with a sly look, with whom I sometimes crossed paths in the workshops and politely smiled, slowly approached me.

— And why are you dressed up like that today? — She asked ingratiatingly.

I was confused. Once a friend from my department relayed a conversation between her and Nina, during which I learned that she also liked Leo, and if it weren’t for her fiancé, she wouldn’t have restrained herself. Now I could clearly see it in her behavior — when we were alone with her and Leo, she would start flirting with him, and her movements would become emphatically languid. But, to my inner glee, he always showed that he preferred me, and she would briefly retreat into the shadows, slightly pursing her lips in annoyance. What was this — a desire to hurt him no matter what?

— Well… Today is the performance, — I shrugged, unable to come up with anything more intelligible.

— Here? — Nina grinned, crossing her arms and looking down at me.

«What are you getting into? Not only is Leo married, but you’re engaged yourself,» I frowned and clenched my jaw. «You’ve been working with him longer than I have, and if he was interested in you, he would have shown it. You should just envy me silently.»

«Here,» I said, nodding with satisfaction and not making any excuses.

She turned to her colleague and asked pointedly sarcastically:

«Nikita, why aren’t you dressed up today then?»

«He doesn’t need to, he’s always handsome anyway,» I got ahead of her maneuver and stretched my lips into a playful smile.

«Oh! Thank you! It’s nice to get a compliment from such a girl!» Nikita blurted out in surprise, smiling sincerely at me.

I bowed playfully and returned to my seat, next to Leo. The lecture began again. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him move slightly closer to me. Suddenly, I felt him take my forearm and gently pull me towards him. He leaned down to my ear and whispered a dirty joke, and I couldn’t help but let out a small giggle from both of us. I looked up and saw my boss staring at me, but I couldn’t quite place what she was looking at. I looked down and noticed how Leo had been fidgeting with the ring on his finger since the event began, as if it had been bothering him, like an annoying inconvenience that he had to put up with, and he wanted to get rid of it. «He doesn’t like being married. At least not yet,» I noted to myself.

«Where are you going for lunch?» he whispered in my ear.

«I don’t know yet, why?»

«Let’s go somewhere? I’ll show you.» They serve good shawarma there, — he added in a whisper, and I nodded eagerly, wanting to prolong the minutes next to him.

It was time for lunch. In front of the employees, we stood up and left the room together, taking a colleague from his department with us. We were crossing the street filled with cars and people, when suddenly my phone rang.

— Where are you? — the boss’s voice sounded — without emotion, which did not bode well, but I was so excited that I did not pay attention to it.

— We went to eat shawarma, we will be back on time, — I answered emphatically calmly and hung up.

— What, surveillance? — Leo laughed.

— Yeah, — I nodded.

The weather had cleared up, the winter sun was shining brightly. Joyful excitement was in the air. I put the phone down and confidently walked forward, when suddenly I felt someone put an arm around my shoulders, stopped me and turned me in the other direction.

— Where are you going? We’re going there, — Leo blurted out, as if slightly embarrassed.

I nodded happily, and we continued on our way. This sudden touch became another bright puzzle in my picture, which I had been patiently assembling since the summer. Having reached the place, we sat down at a table. Leo and his colleague ate shawarma with appetite, but I was so nervous before the performance that I couldn’t eat a single bite, so I limited myself to tea.

— A new aggregate state of shawarma, — I joked and shrugged, nodding at the glass teapot with green liquid.

Smoothly our conversation flowed into the mainstream of psychology and philosophy, in which I was like a fish in water.

— …Schopenhauer and Nietzsche are probably good, some of my favorite philosophers. I like their views, — I concluded, pouring myself some tea.

— Yes, Schopenhauer is great! — Leo’s colleague nodded eagerly.

— And what about Baudrillard? — Leo turned to me with interest and a slight challenge, clearly not expecting that I knew this philosopher.

— Baudrillard? — I asked in surprise, hearing the familiar name. Warm memories of the last months of university appeared before my inner eye. — I wrote my thesis based on his works. A very interesting author. But I can’t agree with him completely.

— And why is that?

A spark of interest and excitement lit up his eyes, and my gaze shone in response — I felt myself on a familiar wave. How long had it been since I could talk to anyone about philosophy, which I had been interested in since school and to this day! Talk to someone very smart and erudite. We involuntarily leaned towards each other, finding a new, unexpected point of contact. The conversation about philosophy began to resemble a blood-stirring conversation between lovers overcome by passion.

— Baudrillard talks about the consumption of signs of prestige in modern society. Like, this is an empty outer wrapper, and there is no meaning behind these signs. People buy things again and again, not because they need them, but because they are signs of something valuable.

— Isn’t that so?

— From my point of view, not quite so, — I glanced at my few interlocutors and from one favorite wave, philosophy, jumped to another, psychology. — I believe that nothing exists just like that, not even an empty sign that shouldn’t exist. If people buy these signs of prestige, it means that it covers their real psychological needs, — I noted how completely absorbed he was in my train of thought. — For example, the need for acceptance and recognition. There is a risk that you may not be accepted without belonging to a certain level of life, or if you don’t follow everyone, if you are different. Without a new phone or branded things. This is the ancient fear of being an outcast. This is not at all about people consuming empty signs of prestige just because someone told them to… Perhaps I’m wrong. And once again — if a person does something, it means that it’s not just like that, it means that he needs it.

As I said the last words, I seemed to be looking into the water — if our relationship went further, I didn’t want to be a meaningless empty shell in his life. I wanted to mean something. To be needed. And not to hear hurtful excuses behind my back — «There’s nothing between us» or «It’s just sex, it doesn’t mean anything.»

Leo looked at me attentively for a few seconds, thinking about what I had said, and then nodded briefly:

— I agree with you.

I beamed. It was very pleasant to talk about a familiar and interesting topic with an understanding interlocutor — this discussion was like a sip of living water. Usually, I lazily parried blows in an intellectual duel with anyone, but now it was different. I wanted to show myself to Leo as a woman with a lively mind and independent judgment — everything that I valued in him. During this short conversation, I felt that we saw in each other an equal and common interests.

— I’m really nervous before the performance, — I glanced at my watch when we went outside and headed back. My pulse on the watch was over 110.

— Well, don’t worry!

— Thanks, Leo, how could I not have guessed myself, — I laughed and turned to him, looking at his clean-shaven face in the bright light of the winter sun. — Are you nervous?

— Me? No, I’m never nervous. You’re the star today, you know the topic better than me, and I just came to eat shawarma.

— Well, that’s not true, your part is very important, — I jokingly fought back.

We returned to the hall, and several pairs of surprised eyes stared at us. We calmly walked to our seats, continuing to smile at each other.

— Kira, Leo, are you ready? How are you feeling? — the boss came up to us ten minutes before the performance. — Yes, everything is fine, — I shrugged and smiled routinely.

My pulse stubbornly balanced between 110 and 120, revealing the extreme degree of excitement before the first lecture in my life, which we had been preparing for so long.

— Kira, I’ll have a smoke now and come back, okay? I’ll be quick, don’t worry, — Leo patted me on the shoulder, and I nodded with understanding. He left the hall, accompanied by a puzzled look from his boss.

Finally, our time had come.

— And now I want to give the floor to the speakers of our final module — Kira and Lev! — the host announced.

We stood up and walked to the center of the hall to loud applause. I looked around the audience with joyful anticipation, and they returned our glances, full of interest. Eva Schwein taught me that I should use my own energy to draw out the entire learning process of others, to capture their attention. I am only at the beginning of the journey, but next to me is my experienced mentor, Leo, whom I admire endlessly.

Our rehearsed and polished speech flowed easily. I glanced at my watch and saw that as soon as we left the agonizing wait and got down to business, my pulse dropped to 80. I felt myself on the same wavelength with all the seated spectators. Despite their fatigue, we managed to spark their interest, and they actively joined in our questions and exercises.

— Remember! From the point of view of evolutionary psychology, emotions, likes and dislikes are your ancient signaling system of the body. They instantly appear as a reaction to external stimuli and tell you what to do, — I explained to the audience, striding in high heels on wooden boards. — That is why you should not ignore your emotions and feelings, you need to listen to them, to the wise voice of the subconscious, which allows you to live a bright and truly your own life, and not its surrogate. Isn’t that right, Lev Alexandrovich?

I turned and smiled charmingly at him. — That’s right, Kira. Emotions can often give better advice than logic and cold calculation. You don’t need to resist them — they are a powerful resource and advisor. Both in life and in managing a team.

An hour and a half flew by unnoticed, and here we were again standing together in front of the hall, showered with loud applause. We turned to each other, and joyful smiles lit up our faces. We did it!

— And now, dear participants, we will ask you to complete a short test at the end of the training, — the host announced.

The boss briefly threw in the direction of the girls from our department:

— You will need to stay later, help clean up.

I was overcome with slight anxiety, and I anxiously looked around at the hall. «What do you mean stay? They will write the test for now, then clean up… We agreed with Leo to go to a cafe to celebrate. He will not wait for me. I can’t miss such a chance, no-no!»

— Unfortunately, I have to run… — I approached the boss, submissively lowering my head, trying to come up with a plausible explanation on the fly. — I can’t stay to help you, I have… I have tickets. Sorry.

— Okay, go, but know that if we organize a common cause, then we are all responsible for it together, — she answered with barely concealed irritation.

I nodded gratefully and, throwing on my coat, ran down the stairs after Leo — into the winter twilight of the city. The busy street was brightly lit by lanterns and LED shop windows. Soft snowflakes swirled in the air. We crossed the road and went to the restaurant he suggested. For a few minutes we found ourselves right in front of the windows of our hall, and I tried to leave this line of sight as quickly as possible, not to turn around — I was afraid to see one of our employees there, watching how Leo and I were walking together in the direction opposite the metro. We calmly turned the corner and breathed a sigh of relief, continuing our journey, interspersed with casual conversations and jokes. Finally, we reached our destination.

— Well, let’s go to a family restaurant, — I joked, running my eyes over the sign, and Leo chuckled loudly in embarrassment.

We went deeper into the hall, sat down at a large table and began to study the menu. Having ordered a bottle of beer and khachapuri, we relaxed and gave ourselves over to a pleasant evening.

— We performed well today! Finally, it’s all over, I’m so tired, — he leaned back in his chair and looked at me again inquiringly.

— Yes, you and I are great! — I smiled softly and encouragingly.

They brought us beer poured into tall glasses, and we clinked glasses.

— So, how did they offer you the new position?

— Oh, it’s not a very pretty story… But I’ll share it with you. It’s all intrigue.

— I really don’t like these tricky games, — he nodded his head. — What’s the problem with calling an employee right away and telling them why they’re not happy with their job? I’ve noticed in our company that no one will tell you directly — they’ll take a roundabout approach until they fire the person.

Purity of intentions and soul, honesty, rejection of intrigue. That’s exactly how he seemed to me now, and I was drawn to him. I smiled warmly and took a sip of beer. That’s exactly what I valued in people, especially in men, because I was the same. Alas, there’s a lot of dirt and lies in the world… But how did it happen that Leo and I, both so honest and pure, found ourselves in such a sticky situation, having dinner in a restaurant in secret from everyone? I again involuntarily glanced at his ring, which he continued to restlessly twist on his finger, and looked away.

«If he was against getting closer to me, he wouldn’t have invited me to a café after the training,» I thought.

— Once, Eva Schwein called me and said that she wanted to offer me this position because, in her opinion, the person occupying it could not cope with his responsibilities alone. Did I have a choice then? Could I tell her to her face that she was wrong and that she should not act like that? She is a top manager, and she knows better how to deal with employees, — I bowed my head. — And honestly, I really wanted a promotion, and at that moment it was not that I could not refuse — I did not want to.

Having expressed this thought, I was at a loss. I had not yet had time to think about this situation, and only now did it dawn on me — I was not as honest as I considered myself.

— An unpleasant story, — he said slowly. — Now you will have to live with it.

— I know, — I snapped and took a sharp sip.

I had a premonition that we both would have a lot to live with, burying burning questions and memories inside. The restaurant hall plunged into darkness. The waiter came up to us and with a slight movement of his hand placed a burning candle on the table between us. I looked up at Leo’s face, illuminated by the dancing reflections of the fire, the reflection of the tongue on the tip of the wick dancing in his expressive dark eyes. He looked straight at me, also bathed in fiery light, and in his gaze an expression of… recognition clearly appeared?

What did he remember? Who did he recognize? What strings did this image touch in his soul? — Petersburg… Just think. A year ago, I was going to study in the Czech Republic — I studied the language for two years, saved money. But then something incomprehensible suddenly started happening in the world, and going abroad became unsafe.

— The Czech Republic. The beer in Prague is good, — he said dreamily in a quiet voice, resurrecting the events of the past days. — We went there once… With my wife, — he added after a brief hesitation, and again unconsciously began to twist the ring on his finger, as if trying to take it off.

I nodded with understanding, looking away so as not to show my pain.

— It must be very beautiful there. I dreamed of seeing Prague with my own eyes, I wanted to live in Brno. Now the borders are closed, there is no way to get in… It’s a nice city. Kafka lived there, I wanted to soak up the atmosphere in which he created.

— Kafka? He is my favorite writer! And also Lovecraft, — Leo exclaimed in surprise.

I looked him in the eye and smiled broadly. Just think, the second time that day an intellectual conversation with Leo, and it turns out that we have similar tastes not only in philosophy, but also in literature.

«How can I not fall in love with him?», I thought with a mischievous gleam in my eyes, looking at his face in the golden glow of the candle. Just like in that dream the day before. I hope I don’t lose myself in this dubious story…

— Really? I read them all in school! Only they are a bit gloomy, I’m surprised that you like them. I thought you were so positive.

— I liked to tickle my nerves, and there is something to think about, especially in Kafka.

«You like gloomy things. That means you will like talking to me,» I thought ironically. I was drawn to my opposites — cheerful, easy-going people, but I couldn’t imagine it working the other way around — that someone would be drawn to someone as serious and calm as me. Today our conversation flowed freely, we discussed various little things as if our dialogue had begun a long time ago and was just being resumed today.

«I can’t believe it. I’m actually sitting with Leo in a restaurant, we’re drinking and chatting one-on-one. Just recently, I couldn’t even imagine such a thing,» I glanced at him again, trying not to think about the fact that later he would go home to his wife. Now there were only us, and the rest of the world froze. He smiled slyly and brought his hand to the candle flame.

«What are you doing? Do you like playing with fire?» I winked.

«I wonder what he’s thinking now, how he perceives our evening?»

Leo took his hand away and I brought mine up, but immediately pulled it back when the hot air licked my palm.

«You have to play with fire carefully. Like me,» he smiled back at me.

We chatted a little more and got ready to go back. Out of habit, I was going to split the bill, but he confidently brought the card to the terminal, left a generous tip and headed to the cloakroom. This surprised me in a pleasant way, because I had hardly been treated to anything in restaurants before.

We went down to the metro.

«Would you like me to show you the secret of Petrogradka?» his eyes sparkled cheerfully.

He led me to gate 9 — ¾ was cut out near the number. The same platform from Harry Potter.

«They say they tried to paint over it many times, but it didn’t work. You can take a running jump, I’ll make sure, — he looked through the gap between the gate doors to check if the train was coming, then looked at me and laughed.

Entering the arriving carriage, we stood very close to each other. The day was drawing to an end, and so were our strengths.

— Now at home I’ll be washing off my makeup for five thousand, — I said casually, looking at Leo and me’s reflection in the carriage door.

— Five thousand? Five thousand! For what? For a fleeting pleasure? — He widened his eyes in shock.

— I think it was worth it. It’s just a moment, one day, but I will remember it, it will warm my soul for a very long time, — I shrugged and turned a sly look at him. — So what if it’s expensive? It turned out well, right?

He just chuckled sheepishly in response. «It’s hard for him to compliment, I know,» I thought humbly. The darkness of the tunnel in the windows gave way to light and a long row of white columns — we had entered the station. I looked up:

— Here is my station. Well, bye…

I didn’t finish. Leo suddenly leaned over and hugged me. My heart jumped, goosebumps ran through my body.

— We’ll see each other again, — I whispered, and my voice, my whole being was flooded with trembling tenderness.

— Of course, where else would we go? — he smiled back.

I jumped out of the carriage and headed for the transition to another line. What had just happened? I didn’t dare believe my own happiness, but it broke through the usually cold expression of my face with a dreamy smile.

I was bursting with jubilation. Today he, usually so inaccessible, dodgy, disguising his emotions and feelings with jokes, was unlike himself: he showed interest, attention and even care. And these changes happened so unexpectedly and abruptly…

But what will come of this? Will we regret it? Now I am happier than I have been in twenty-two years of my life. And I stubbornly did not want to look at the possible dismal future of our relationship.

***

Two days later, a new task came down to all the speakers of the event — to record a short video explaining the homework for their block.

— Are we filming this somehow centrally? — I immediately received a message from Leo.

— Probably not, each in his own block. We can meet in the conference room at one o’clock and record, — I typed.

My heart warmed. Instead of contacting the organizer directly, he preferred to write to me. On the outside, he was brave, he was a star, he could find a common language with anyone, but in reality, he preferred to turn to a reserved, reasonable girl ten years younger than him, who allowed him to get used to her slowly and patiently.

Before leaving for filming, I immersed myself in work in order to have time to finish the report. In my gut, I felt some unspoken question hanging in the air, but I decided not to be distracted by it. Nevertheless, it still caught up with me.

— And you and Leo looked so good yesterday! — Angela’s words burst out in the silence of the office like a bolt from the blue.

I raised my head sharply and saw that my colleague, with whom I had confidentially shared the secret in the fall, was looking at me with a sly smile. This phrase sounded unexpected, but I felt that it had been brewing in her all morning. It was a statement that implied a question — «What is going on between you?»

I remembered how many of the participants had glanced at us in surprise that day — there were thirty witnesses to the unusual scene. Was it really that obvious? Many people understood the situation without words. Perhaps someone even saw our escape into the depths of Petrogradsky Island through the window.

— Oh, thank you! We somehow dressed up in business suits then without saying a word. This is an important event, after all, — I playfully redirected the conversation, realizing that we «looked good» clearly not only in terms of appearance. — Sorry, I have to run.

Anyway, we have witnesses. The situation is gaining momentum. It’s very strange that this doesn’t scare me at all — I’m not afraid of gossip or condemnation.

Of course! After all, I can judge myself more harshly than anyone else. But when I thought about Leo, only the determination to be with him was born inside. Remorse strangely retreated.

I grabbed a notebook and flew out of the office to meet the hero of my dreams. My heart was beating unevenly. We entered a deserted conference room. The spacious room was plunged into darkness, only the dim light of the lamps near the stage illuminated the first rows of chairs upholstered in blue fabric. Having sat down on the chairs next to the stage, we laid out our notebooks on the table next to us and set up the camera on the phone to record an explanation of the task for the program participants.

— And what are we going to tell them? — Leo asked, puzzled.

— I don’t know, I haven’t come up with anything yet. Any ideas?

We started throwing out sentences together, making up tasks on the fly. Finally, Leo confidently grabbed my notebook and began summarizing our thoughts in his sweeping handwriting. I watched with warmth as he left marks on my paper — I would later look at his uneven lines with bated breath and a smile, a small trace of his presence in my life.

— What handwriting do you have! I just don’t understand anything.

— Initially, I wanted to study to be a pharmacist. And my handwriting is appropriate! But somehow it didn’t work out.

We quickly repeated the speech and sat down in front of the camera. Leo turned around with displeasure at the lectern standing on the stage and climbing into the frame. We could have simply moved to the neighboring seats, but he jumped up and began to lift it and drag it to the other end of the stage. I watched with a smile as he demonstratively tried to show off his physical strength.

Finally, they started recording videos for the participants. How harmoniously we looked together in the frame! He tried hard to remember the words he had written down in his notebook on the fly, and I couldn’t help but laugh lightly and smile broadly.

— Are you going to watch it again before sending it? — I turned to him.

— No, send it like this, I don’t care. I trust you completely, you can show the video with me to anyone you want. And do whatever you want, I don’t mind, — he blurted out quickly, and I noticed a hint of fervor in his voice.

Suddenly I moved closer, barely touching his shoulder with my head, and smiled shyly.

— Okay, thank you, I’ll take that into account, — I said softly.

He gave me a warm look, in which silent agreement flashed, and in front of me he opened the messenger on his phone. My chat caught my eye — but only a photo was smiling on the screen, and instead of a name there was a phone number.

— Oh, so that’s how it is? — My usual mask of restraint had already fallen off, and I decided to either be frank or fool around. — And you know, I’m offended! It’s a shame that you didn’t write me down in any way, and I’m just a number to you, I don’t even have a name! After everything that happened between us.

Leo laughed and, having confusedly explained why he almost never writes down numbers in his phone book, began to get ready.

— Okay, as you wish, — I shrugged my shoulders and returned to work.

The day was drawing to a close, and a holiday weekend was ahead. After work, I went to a cozy coffee shop and started editing the video we had shot. Accidentally mixing up the settings, I turned our voices into the voices of cartoon characters, and while watching the video, I couldn’t hold back my tears of laughter.

I opened the messenger and was surprised to find that now, instead of an empty avatar, Leo’s photo was flaunting next to his contact. My quick thought process figured out that this meant only one thing. «His photo is only available to those he added to his contacts. He finally heard me today, he cares that I was offended as a joke! How cute,» I smiled and I exhaled happily.

— Look, look! It turned out cool, — I sent him a funny video.

— Great, leave it like that! — I received a reply with laughing emoticons, and he found an excuse to continue the conversation. — Are you still at work?

— Oh, no, I went home, I’m just editing the video. By the way, I forgot to congratulate you on the upcoming holiday — February 23.

I stopped typing, thinking about the words. I wanted to put a piece of my soul and my warm attitude into this congratulation, because it’s too early to say such words without a reason.

— I wish you to remain as strong, impressive with your mind and giving a good mood. I send you a lot of energy and strength so that your plans come true!

— Thank you very much!!! — came the answer.

I closed my eyes and turned off the phone.

It seemed unreal, but somehow it happens.

***

On the morning of March 8, I opened my eyes in anticipation of a great free day. The first thing my hand did was reach for my phone, but I didn’t find the long-awaited message from Leo with congratulations there.

I was caught up in recent vivid memories of a hug from someone who had never even looked at me before. I just want harmony, agreement with my loved one, and quiet family happiness.

I didn’t keep track of the time and had no idea what time it was, when suddenly notifications rang. I opened the messenger, and my eyes lit up with joy. A new personal message from Leo was burning at the very top. I immediately took a screenshot as a keepsake, to cherish this moment as another very valuable puzzle.

— Why aren’t you sleeping? Good morning! Happy holiday to you, I wish you many bright moments, to remain as beautiful and to worry less!

A wide smile touched my lips, and my eyes shone slightly moistly. Leo thought of me separately that day! Even if he couldn’t tell me to my face that he thought I was beautiful, even when I was wearing makeup that cost a tenth of my salary, or when I dressed up every time I knew that we were going to discuss a project today. And he cares about my state of mind.

— Thank you very much, dear Leo, I’m very pleased! I got up early to go for a walk, — I typed, overcome with bright joy.

I didn’t want to sit at home on this wonderful holiday and sunny spring day. Throwing on some warm clothes, I left the house and headed through several transfers to the Gulf of Finland.

The Gulf greeted me with a calm, icy expanse. This is where time really stands still. I sat down on a large boulder on the shore and thoughtfully stared into the distance, where the dark blue water, not bound by ice, converged with the blue sky into a single horizon line. Only white and blue. Only cold and silence. I loved sleeping nature. I grew up in Siberia and felt one with it, because almost the entire year there is severe cold and snow.

Under the deaf icy surface sleeps the most intimate and living. The time will come, and it, melting under the sun, will reveal its riches to the world. My favorite time of year was March, when nature has not yet woken up, but an indescribable, exciting feeling of spring is already in the air. Rare streams begin to flow, the sun warms more and more — and the feeling strengthens that another winter has passed, and with each day spring is approaching and bringing joyful changes. March was the personification of anticipation and awakening.

Immediately a poem I read recently came to mind, which sank into my soul:

The river does not reign yet,

But it already melts the blue ice;

The clouds do not melt yet,

But the snow cup is drunk by the sun.