Бесплатный фрагмент - I Hear Life

Dedicated to mom, grandma, aunt and uncle.

Who never said, «You can’t.»

Chapter 1. Silence as a starting point

When you hear the world differently than everyone else, you learn to hear what is important.

The child who «doesn’t listen»

In the beginning, I grew up in a world that I had to guess about. In kindergarten, the teacher would say, «You’re not listening!», even though I was trying my best. I just couldn’t hear. Whispers were unattainable. Easy phrases dissolved. And I understood early on: if you want to survive, you need to learn to notice not words, but gestures, facial expressions, intonations, vibrations.

I was diagnosed with bilateral sensorineural hearing loss before school, at the age of 4. Hearing aids have been my companions since early childhood. There were big, whistling, bulky models. They irritated me. I was embarrassed by them. But without them, everything sank into a deaf aquarium.

For a long time, I thought I was broken. Imagine being a child. You can’t participate in games on equal terms. You constantly ask questions. You get tired of talking because you have to concentrate more than everyone else. This doesn’t make you weak, it makes you attentive. But I only realized this decades later.

How I learned to listen with my eyes

When you don’t hear, you start seeing sound. People who hear normally don’t notice how often we communicate without words. Everything else is the «second layer» of reality. That’s where I lived.

I watch the way people moved, the way their shoulders tensed, the way irritation flared at the corners of their eyes. I begin to read emotions like radar. It wasn’t mystical, it was necessary. I have to pay attention because I can’t afford the luxury of casual perception.

This is the first lesson that silence taught me: attention. Those who are forced to live with heightened perception become analysts of emotions, moods, tensions. You begin to understand that every word has a background, every action has an invisible intention. And therein lies incredible power.

Shame hidden behind headphones

As a teenager, I dreamed of being «like everyone else.» I took off my hearing aids even if I couldn’t hear anything. The shame was louder than reality. I didn’t want to be «special.» I didn’t want to attract attention, to explain that these weren’t Bluetooth, but hearing aids. At one point, I even thought that I wouldn’t be able to build a relationship with anyone. Who would want to be with someone who «was constantly unable to hear something»?

Later I realized: everyone wears their vulnerability. Mine is just on the outside. And it was this vulnerability that taught me to be real.

Silence and loneliness are not the same thing

There’s a terrible confusion that almost everyone with a disability experiences: You start to think that you’re alone. Because it’s like the world isn’t for you. But that’s an illusion.

I learned to sit in silence and not be afraid of it. Over time, I realized that silence is not an enemy, but a mirror. It returns your thoughts to you without distortion. It does not distract. It does not press. And if you learn to listen to yourself in it, you will never feel lost again.

It was from the silence in my life that the most important questions came: — Who am I? — What do I really want? — What do I want to fill my life with if the external noises are turned off?

Forming an Inner Compass

External noise is not just sounds. It is the noise of opinions, standards, norms, advertising, expectations. When you live a little further away from it, you begin to feel better where your desires are, and where the imposed ones are.

In childhood and adolescence, this seemed like «being out of touch with life.» But in adulthood, I realized that it is a defense. My world is built from within. I have more time to think. I got used to checking information not by volume, but by content. This developed the skill of filtering. And this, in turn, became the basis of my personal effectiveness.

Silence as a tool for growth

What does silence give you?

— Focus — When there is nothing superfluous, you concentrate.

— Energy — Less overload — more strength.

— Depth — Superficial perception disappears, the essence remains.

— Introspection — In silence you don’t run away from yourself — you see who you are.

Practice: How to Start Hearing Yourself

1. Diary of Silence

Every day — 15 minutes in silence. No phone, no music, no talking. Just listen to your thoughts. Write down what comes. This will help you distinguish your desires from those imposed on you.

2. Sensory map

Notice how you perceive the world through sight, touch, taste, movement. When one channel is limited, the others compensate. By developing them, you increase your presence in the world.

3. Attention analysis

As you go about your day, notice what steals your attention. Notifications? Idle chatter? The news? Find the «noise traps» and learn how to avoid them.

4. Question: «What am I feeling now?»

Ask it 3 times a day. It trains empathy towards yourself. Not «what should I do», but «what do I really feel». This is the beginning of any internal growth.

Remember: silence is a resource

I didn’t become a speaker with a beautiful voice. I didn’t conquer the world on stage. But I learned to hear myself. And that gave me the most important thing — stability.

The world may be loud, but there is always an island inside you where it is quiet. And if you learn to return there, no storm in life will knock you off course.

I’m 40. I’m not on the easiest path. But it’s mine. And every day I don’t hear everything, but I hear the main thing.

Chapter 2: «You Can’t» Doesn’t Mean «You Shouldn’t»

The phrase I heard most often

«You can’t.» These three words sound louder than any noise. Not because they are shouted — they are+ said with care, anxiety, sometimes — with indifference. But most importantly — with confidence. Confidence that a person with poor hearing should «lower the bar.» That he needs to sit more quietly, dream more carefully, be grateful for the minimum.

When you grow up in the shadow of this «can’t» — it permeates your decisions. It becomes a filter. You look at opportunities and immediately figure out: «Can I go there?» This is not fear. This is a pre-accepted defeat. Imposed by someone — and accepted as your own.

«You’re special» is another way of saying «limited»

Sometimes it sounds softer. «You’re special, you’re not like everyone else.» But behind that formulation, the same message often hides: Don’t stick your neck out. Don’t try too hard. Don’t get your hopes up. Focus on your «level.»

I heard this especially often at school. I was not invited on stage because they were afraid that I would not hear the line. I was not trusted with performances, teams, discussions. Not out of malice, but out of convenience. I was constantly assigned the role of «the one who will not interfere.»

Later I realized that the system as a whole is designed like this: if you «don’t fit in,» it doesn’t adapt — it isolates you.

Limits are not always real

Here’s the important thing: Not all restrictions are real. Some are just assumptions.

I grew up in an era when hearing aids were simple sound amplifiers. No fine-tuning, no Bluetooth, no intelligent noise cancellation. It was an analog, buzzing, shrill world.

People told me: — You won’t be able to study in a regular school.

— You won’t be able to work with people.

— You won’t be able to drive a car.

— You won’t be able to perform.

— You won’t be able to…

The list was long.

But I drive. I work with people. I performed. I studied. And one day I realized: the limits you believe in are often built from the words of other people. And until you test them yourself, you won’t know where they really are.

Motivation is not fire, but choice

We are often sold the image of motivation as a flash: inspiration, loud music, a coach shouting. But if you have lived your whole life with the feeling «you can’t do it», then the fire inside does not flare up. It lights up slowly, from smoldering embers.

And do you know what the most powerful fuel is?

Anger.

Not destructive, but collective. The kind that appears when you understand that you have been restricted without your consent. It is not revenge. It is not a protest. It is an exit from the «prove it» mode. You are no longer proving anything to anyone. You simply do it because you can.

Technique: «Reverse Persuasion»

This is an exercise that helped me get other people’s voices out of my head. It’s very simple.

— Write a list of all the phrases that have been said to you since childhood: «You can’t…”, «This is not for you», «You’re not right for it», «Better not take risks».

— Opposite each one, write who said it and in what context.

— Then answer honestly: is it true? Or was it their projection? Their fear? Their experience?

— Replace each statement with its opposite: «You can’t speak up» → «I have the right to speak up.» «This isn’t for you» → «I choose what’s for me.» «You don’t fit in» → «I don’t have to fit in to be valuable.»

These are not affirmations. They are redefinitions of history.

When «shouldn’t» becomes freedom

Here’s the paradox: when you hear «you shouldn’t do this» — it can be liberating. Liberating from the pressure to conform. I realized that if I’m not given a standard role — it means I can create my own. If I’m not called «to the center», I can build my own center.

Those who lived outside the system created their own:

— People with cerebral palsy opened dance studios.

— People without sight became writers.

— People with mental diagnoses created companies.

— People without hearing — orchestras.

Every «shouldn’t» becomes an opportunity if you look at it not as a door that has been closed, but as a wall in which you can cut a window.

The world doesn’t have to adapt. But you don’t have to disappear.

This is an important principle. I do not demand that the whole world become quiet, clear, slow. I accept that it is noisy, fast and often does not notice people like me. But I also know: I have the right to my place.

I can speak even if I am not always heard the first time. I can act even if my rhythm is different. I can be useful even if I do not walk in a straight line.

Remember: no one knows what you are capable of — not even you.

Sometimes I feel like we live with a diminished version of ourselves because someone once just said, «You can’t.» And that was it. And we froze.

But the truth is, your real limits are much further than you think. You don’t have to jump mountains. You don’t have to break records. You just have to not give up the moment the system decides you’re out.

The world will say «you can’t» many more times. But only you decide what to do with it — build a cage or break it.

Chapter 3. Inner Compass

Noise outside, silence inside

All my life I hear the world through filters. Sometimes literally: my hearing aids process sounds, captur noise, mute the unnecessary, and amplify the important. Sometimes figuratively: society also tunes the «devices» through which I am supposed to hear myself.

Hearing other people’s expectations. Hearing patterns. Hearing what my path «should be.»

But behind all this background, there is silence. It is inside. It is not emptiness. It is a space where the main thing sounds — my own voice. It does not shout. It does not demand. It simply speaks. Sometimes in a whisper, sometimes in the form of fatigue, sometimes as a distinct feeling: «This is not mine.»

An inner compass isn’t about confidence. It’s about honesty.

The feeling of «one’s own»

We’ve all had moments when we do something and everything seems to fall into place. It doesn’t have to be grandiose. Sometimes it’s when you say «no» and feel light. Or the opposite — you decide, and inside you feel not panic, but warmth.

This is the compass. It doesn’t point «to the north», it points «to you».

You understand: this is mine. This is me. This corresponds to my values, not to other people’s expectations. This is the path I want to follow — even if it is difficult.

The problem is that most of us get off course not because we can’t hear ourselves, but because we’ve forgotten how to trust ourselves.

When the inner compass is knocked off course by others

More than once I have felt how other people’s signals drown out mine. — «It’s not rational.» — «You’re wasting your time.» — «You’re too sensitive.» — «You need to think ahead.» — «You need to be like everyone else.»

I was told that I overestimated my abilities. That I should think with logic, not with my heart. That with my hearing I had better not take risks. That I should choose stability, not interest.

Sometimes I believed. I got lost. I worked in the wrong place. I studied the wrong things. I hung out with the wrong people.

And then I feel burned out. I lost myself. And returned. Again and again — to myself.

The internal compass works not because you always know where to go, but because you can always check in with yourself.

Body signals are also a compass

Often we look for answers in our heads, but the body knows faster.

Fatigue for no reason. Tension in the stomach. Chest like a clenched fist. Tears for no reason. All of these are not «problems,» but signals.

The body can’t lie. If you’re on the wrong path, it will tell you. With illnesses. With sleep that doesn’t restore. With the desire to disappear. With panic. With dull irritation.

I began to learn to hear the body not because I had a hearing deficit — but an excess of sensitivity. Compensation. Fine tuning.

And you know what it turned out to be? It’s a superpower. The ability to «hear yourself» is no worse than hearing the world.

Being honest with yourself is painful. But healing.

One day I asked myself a tough question: if no one was watching, if there were no opinions, if there was no fear — what would I really want?

The answer did not come immediately. Because it was hidden under layers of «should», «must», «expected».

But when I started peeling back these layers, I found something that is beyond doubt. It is not explained by logic. It does not require approval.

I found what is truly mine.

It’s hard to describe this feeling. But it’s unmistakable. It’s like coming home after a long separation.

Technique: «Honest Lists»

If you want to regain your inner compass, start with honesty. Here’s a simple way:

— Take a sheet of paper. Divide it in half.

— On the left, write what you are doing in life now: work, relationships, habits, social circle.

— On the right — evaluate honestly: does it fill you up? Or does it drain you?

— For each item, ask yourself: «Am I doing this out of love or out of fear?»

This list isn’t about quitting. It’s about awareness. Awareness is the first step to direction.

The compass does not always show the «easy» path

Here’s the important point: the internal compass doesn’t lead to where everything is easy. It leads to where you really are. And that’s sometimes not easy.

Sometimes you are alone. Sometimes you lose old friends. Sometimes you face criticism, misunderstanding.

But you understand: you go where you want. And not where you were told.

And every step, even if it is difficult, makes you more yourself.

Remember: the compass only works if you walk.

You can read books, listen to podcasts, think. But the compass doesn’t work at rest. It starts to vibrate, to deviate, to shake — only when you move.

When you make a choice. When you try. When you make a mistake. When you listen.

You don’t have to know the whole route. It’s enough to understand in which direction your soul responds. And go there.

Even if it’s just one step at first.

In this step is you. In this step is the beginning of real life.

Chapter 4 — Shame That Speaks Louder Than the Voice

Shame doesn’t scream — it whispers inside

Shame is not something you are told. It is something you begin to tell yourself. It does not require proof. It just appears. At first, as a slight doubt. Then, as a certainty that you are somehow «wrong.»

When you grow up with a feature that is visible or audible to others, you learn to hide. I didn’t hide my hearing aids physically, I tried to hide the fact of their existence in my behavior. I tried to remain silent in noisy places so as not to be asked again. I smiled even if I didn’t get the joke. I left early so as not to get caught up in the conversation.

Shame is not about guilt. It is about the feeling that you yourself are a mistake. Not an action, not a decision, but you as a whole. And this is where the most destructive thing begins: you stop protecting yourself.

How Shame Shapes the Shell

It took me a while to realize how much of my character is a reaction to shame.

— Restraint? Because I was afraid of seeming stupid.

— Modesty? Because I didn’t believe I could aspire to more.

— Caution? Because I was sure that any mistake would result in: «Well, of course, he has…»

You build your personality like a suit that’s supposed to distract. But inside, you’re tense. Constantly. You’re not living, you’re «measuring up». And it’s exhausting.

Growing up begins with the question: «Who said?»

At some point, I started asking myself, «Who decided that I should be ashamed?» The answer was painfully simple: no one said it directly. It was a chain of reactions. One person looked away, another didn’t turn on the subtitles, a third spoke too quickly and then got annoyed that I didn’t understand. And I collected all these signals — and from them I concluded: something was wrong with me.

But this is a false conclusion. And if you don’t double-check it, it becomes the basic firmware of your personality.

Vulnerability is not weakness, but the beginning of strength

The most paradoxical thing is that it is precisely at the moment when you reveal your vulnerability that you become stronger.

When I started talking: — Yes, I have hearing aids. — Yes, I can ask again. — Yes, sometimes it’s difficult for me.

I noticed that people either leave or become closer. But the main thing is that I was no longer my own enemy.

You don’t have to turn your peculiarity into an «achievement.» But you can stop thinking of it as a «fault.»

A complex is shame without verification

Do you know how complexes are born? When you accept someone else’s reaction as the truth.

Someone winces, someone smirks — and you say to yourself: «I guess I really am weird.» «I guess it’s better to keep quiet.» «It’s probably not nice.»

This is how the complex is reinforced. But no one checked whether you really are «different». No one gave you an objective scale. You just decided one day that the world had «figured you out» — and decided to hide.

Technique: «Letter to my shame»

This is a simple but powerful exercise. Write a letter from yourself to your shame. Tell it everything you have been accumulating for years. Like this:

Hello, Shame. I know you’ve been with me since I was a kid. You came when I couldn’t hear what the company was saying. You sat next to me when I laughed at the wrong time. You whispered, «Keep your head down,» when I wanted to tell a story. But now I’m grown up. I’m not a child. I understand that you’re not the truth, but a defensive reaction. Thank you for trying to protect me. But I’ll go on my own. With an open face. With open ears. With an open heart.

The letter does not need to be sent. But it needs to be read — to yourself. Out loud.

Shame is cured by light

When you bring your vulnerability to light, it stops controlling you. People may not understand, they may judge. But that is their choice. Yours is to be whole.

I don’t always feel confident. There are days when old patterns come back. But now I know: shame is not a fact. It’s a feeling. It passes. And I remain.

Remember: don’t hide, but embed

You don’t have to hide what makes you different. You can build it into your personality — as a detail, not as a defect. Hearing aids are not my shame. Slow speech perception is not my complex. My pauses, repeated questions, unfunny answers — that’s just me.

Whole. Real. And if someone is not ready to accept this, it is no longer my shame. It is their fear.

And I choose to live. To hear. And to speak. Even when my voice trembles.

Chapter 5 — The Silent Engine: Intrinsic Motivation

When no one applauds

At some point, you find yourself alone. Not because you were abandoned. But because the road you took is too narrow for a support group. And then the main question arises:

Why am I doing this?

If there is no approval, if no one notices your efforts, if the result does not come immediately — where will you get the strength to continue?

Answer: from within. But this is not a motivational phrase. It is a mechanism.

The external charge runs out quickly

I’ve often been asked what motivates me. And for a long time I pretended to know the answer. — Parents. — Success. — The opportunity to prove myself. — The desire to be normal.

But all of this is external batteries. And the batteries run out. Especially when you don’t hear praise, don’t feel support and don’t get quick results.

I realized that if my only source of energy is external approval, then I am always a hostage to someone else’s mood.

The inner engine is not «I want», but «I can’t not»

Internal motivation is not when you sit and inspire yourself with phrases from the Internet. It is when you know: I can’t do it any other way.

You go to training not because you want a medal, but because your body requires movement. You write a book not because you are paid, but because you cannot not write. You work on yourself not because someone is watching, but because for you it is a way to breathe.

This internal engine works quietly. It does not shine. It does not demand attention. But it starts every day.

Where to find this quiet motor

Internal motivation is not created, it is dug up. It already exists — it is simply buried under layers of «must», «need to», «it will be embarrassing».

Ask yourself questions:

— What would I do even if I wasn’t paid?

— What do I keep doing even when I’m tired?

— What brings me peace, even without recognition?

The answers are the engine. They can be unexpected. For me, it was writing. Not for the sake of the book, but for the feeling of putting inner silence into words.

How to Save Energy When Nothing is Happening

Motivation fades when you expect instant results. But it is important to remember: the lack of visible progress is not a lack of movement. It is like hair growth: you do not notice it every day, but one day you realize — everything has changed.

Sometimes internal growth is invisible even to you. But it happens. You need to learn to trust the process. Even if you don’t hear applause, continue.

Small actions are like everyday fuel

You don’t have to be a hero every day. But you can do at least one thing that brings you closer to your true self:

— Read one page.

— Walk without headphones and hear the noise of the city.

— Write one line.

— Admit something important to yourself.

It’s not «success.» It’s a habit of being yourself. And internal motivation is fueled by these small steps.

Fatigue is not the enemy

There are days when you don’t want to do anything. And that doesn’t mean you’ve lost motivation. It means your engine is overheated.

Sometimes you don’t need to push yourself, you just need to stop. Respecting your tiredness is also part of the inner path.

You are not a machine. Even a silent engine requires maintenance. And rest is not a «weakness», but a concern for fuel.

You don’t have to be noticeable

In our world, everything is measured in numbers: likes, views, speeds, results. But internal motivation does not always make you bright. It makes you stable.

You can be invisible — and at the same time deeply honest with yourself. And it is these people who move the furthest. Because they go not for the finish line, but because they cannot stop.

Remember: live like no one is watching

Imagine that no one will ever know about your victories. That there will be no awards, diplomas, posts of recognition. There will be only you — and the work that you do.

If you continue anyway, then this is your power. And this is the most reliable source of energy. Not loud. But eternal.

Chapter 6. When you are not in the flow, you are in yourself

Loud World — What It Really Feels Like

Imagine you walk into a cafe. People are laughing, music is playing, the coffee machine is hissing, someone is typing. For most people, it’s just background noise. For me, it’s screaming. When you wear hearing aids, sound doesn’t return to you «like before.» It’s amplified. Sometimes evenly, but more often than not, it’s not. Imagine that everything around you is happening in a mode of maximum attention. And each source of sound requires a response from you.

You can’t just «filter out» the background. Everything is in focus. Everything is nearby. And you don’t always have time to prioritize: what is important and what is just noise.

I often got tired not of the dialogue, but of the environment. Not of the people, but of their steps, phones, the scraping of chairs. And here’s what I realized: the problem is not the noise. The problem is how we relate to it.

Silence is not always comfort

Paradox: when I take off my hearing aids, the world becomes quieter. Very quiet. But not easier. Because the reference point disappears along with the sounds. You don’t hear what’s going on behind you. You don’t hear what’s being said. Even your own steps sound like they’re coming from underwater.

Silence does not become peace — it becomes isolation.

So I realized: I don’t need a quiet world, I need a clear one. Predictable. One where I can choose for myself: to listen or not. To participate — or to step aside. But not because «I don’t hear», but because I chose.

Navigating in chaos

When everything around you is screaming, you learn to listen differently. Not with sounds, but with context. Facial expressions. Gestures. Movements. You see how a person breathes before speaking. How his shoulders rise slightly. How he turns his head — and it’s already clear: he’s about to ask a question.

The world becomes visual. And you learn to read it frame by frame, not by sound.

It’s not a superpower. It’s an adaptation. And it doesn’t make you worse or better. It just makes you different. Someone who has learned to navigate without a familiar map. Someone who walks through the noise — without getting lost in it.

Perception fatigue

One of the things that hearing people rarely understand is audio fatigue. You’re on the «receiver» all day: adjusting, amplifying, guessing. You’re like an operator manually mixing all the signals.