From Anxiety to Poetry
Anxiety: those debilitating periods when time stops, and your head and stomach are bursting with exponentially negative and spiralling thoughts and feelings of chaos, doom, and sickness. When darkness unexpectedly and rapidly descends, the world closes in, and your senses are overwhelmed by the impending catastrophe graphically imagined and entertained in every minutia by your overanxious mind. When your ability to function in any capacity resembling normality completely breaks down and you’re frozen to the spot, unable to think, unable to process the consequences of an event that has, or perhaps never will, happen. When no one can reach you because you’re pinned and immobilised under an immense burden of dread at the bottom of a deep chasm of despair that no one else sees.
I have suffered with anxiety (the kind that’s the constant and general worry and fear about everything) for as long as I can recall. It’s there with me the moment I wake, when I go to bed and for most of the time in-between. In 2022, I became interested in poetry and decided to give it a try; not as a deliberate exercise to improve my mental health, but simply as a casual distraction from the day-to-day grind of life in my late forties. Without any conscious decision or forethought, the context of my writing immediately started channelling my anxiety-ridden thoughts, probably because my mind was always so full of them. Very soon, thinking about rhymes and poems and writing them down became a natural and comfortable outlet for my anxious energies so that they could be gently coaxed out and calmly dispersed and not suddenly explode and violently overwhelm me. The simple and cathartic acts of both thinking and writing have been enough at most times in this past year to slow down the anxiety process in me such that I may manage it, rather than have it consume me.
These two hundred or so poems are simply concentrated distillations of my observations, thoughts, and feelings, at the instance of their creation. Some are very sombre, some are personifications of nature’s elements (a very relatable theme that I very much enjoyed exploring), some are simple experiments in wordplay, rhyme, syllables, symmetry, and alliteration, and a small few are intentionally humorous. I’ll let you decide which is which.
Wherever you find these poems on the mood spectrum of dark, grey, or light, I hope that you may be able to relate to some of them in some small way. Furthermore, I strongly encourage you to start creating poetry as an outlet for expressing and releasing your own anxious energies — should they exist within you. Perhaps, through thinking and writing about your own feelings, thoughts, and observations over a sustained period of time, you will be able to include poetry as an invaluable addition to your own mental health wellbeing, just like I have.
11th May 2022
***
Pause Life’s race
As distant childhood’s recalled
Of innocence, splendour, and wonder.
When did you lose
All those magical dreams
And allow your thoughts to languish so sombre?
13th May 2022
***
A machine is leverage
A mechanism
A catalyst employed to some ends.
But don’t compare it with me
A human
For we are not friends.
It is soulless iron, plastic
And void.
I am flesh with blood
Hope with despair
Alive, not android.
And yet all love is lost
Within me
Somewhere.
14th May 2022
***
Stalling on another standby
For another wasted cause
In the waiting room of life
In my own repetitive pause.
Waiting for an unlikely letter
Committing every hope to feel better.
And when one finally arrives
How all despairs swiftly depart
Like a treacherous love affair
How hope corrupts my shallow heart.
16th May 2022
***
Devoid of inspiration
Deprived imagination
Seven syllable rhyming
Such easy application.
18th May 2022
***
Retracing mindful walks
Within leafy woods
The rattle of spat rain
On rusted tin roofs.
I’m just passing the time
And recalling the past
Treasuring fading memories
That were never meant to last.
18th May 2022
***
There’s a kindly old lady
Working in the Metro
And our journeys can cross frequently.
We occasionally converse
In our very own languages
And we always get on rather pleasantly.
18th May 2022
***
The little girl plump in her swaddling winter clothes
Stared solemnly into the dark rain puddles
Could she reflect on Narcissus’ troubled woes?
No, but she could blow the very best’ist of bubbles.
19th May 2022
***
I ask of myself what is happening?
I retort with only the passage of my time
With each passing day its pace is quickening
And every drop that I waste is a crime.
20th May 2022
***
To wake up devoid of anxiety
What a splendid feeling that might be
Life no longer monochrome but colourful
And one day to live feeling well and wonderful.
21st May 2022
***
Descending slowly yet ceaselessly
Old pulsing orange lamps gliding by
Swallowed down and down ominously
The deep cavern venting a soft sigh.
Enveloping fug, so humid and heavy
Whispering echoes, resentful and wary.
Approaching swift and menacingly
Old blurring spectres solidify
Gathered round and round curiously
The deep cavern means to terrify.
Enveloping fug, so humid and heavy
Whispering echoes, resentful and wary.
Taking flight bolting desperately
Old groaning cracked pillars blocking sky
Fractured chaotic fragility
The deep cavern roars a silent cry.
Enveloping fug, so humid and heavy
Whispering echoes, resentful and wary.
22nd May 2022
***
For every dream that dies
Another one survives
For every hope that fails
Another one prevails.
Go seek nature’s riches
Invest in her wherewithal
And the world’s not such a bad place
To be in after all.
22nd May 2022
***
Enjoying a precious pause
Just my dog for company
Not searching for a deeper cause
Simply being and very happily.
22nd May 2022
***
I have never risked to live on there
Though on it I sleep every night
Which of these is the biggest dare?
The edge of my bed, or the edge of my life?
23rd May 2022
***
Trapped in over-thought of over-anxious thinking
Mind racing and diving into darkness sinking.
Focus fades and panic prevails
Hope departs and life derails.
A breeze then embraces me to awake me from this trance
Why does life lead me on such a capricious dance?
24th May 2023
***
Striding forth with a purpose so clear
Only to stop suddenly
Mislaying the thought that had once been so near
Clarity recedes into mystery.
24th May 2022
***
So many faces passing by today
Each one a fleeting life unfolding
Everyone with words unique to say
All briefly stepping through life’s door revolving.
25th May 2022
***
How innocent the sweet daisies grow
Towards the sun, in rain, through snow
Their short lives abrupt and brutally cut
In a world of utter madness corrupt.
26th May 2022
***
The world’s gone mad
Humanity is slain
Decency has died
Life’s all to be in vain.
27th May 2022
***
A warm breeze gently scatters the sand
A heat-hazed horizon blurs sky with land
A nearby cricket and a distant bird
The only sounds that can be heard.
Lush seas of tall grass ripple and sway
Dried oceans of blonde barley and hay
Baked clay paths snake far out of sight
A lonely cloud briefly softens the light.
28th May 2022
***
How cheery we shall be
Preparing for World War Zee
Storing sacks of pasta
To consume during disaster.
Studying survival tips
To outlast an apocalypse
No more jolly recreation
Only impending annihilation.
Just time to make a cup of tea
Before arrives the next zombie
But Bourbons we’ll forgo
There’s a war on don’t you know!
Deadhead the undead carefully
And keep them off the rockery!
Don’t mind the bodies decomposing
Provides for plentiful composting.
29th May 2022
***
It’s lovely outside
But I’m stuck in here
In my head
By my own fear.
The sun is shining
The door’s ajar
But I can’t escape
The leap’s too far.
People laughing
Friends I know
Invite me out
But I can’t go
It’s lovely outside,
But I’m torn in two,
I deserve a break,
With so much to do.
It was lovely outside,
The sun I saw,
Through the window,
Now shut the door!
31st May 2022
***
Summer turns to autumn
Tired leaves fall
Deep water blackens
And you don’t call.
Autumn turns to winter
Flowers wilt and die
Cold snow deepens
And you don’t reply.
Winter turns to spring
Baby ducks so small
Nature starts over
And you don’t call.
Spring turns to summer,
Ducklings learn to fly
Another year passes
And you don’t reply.
31st May 2022
***
On Christmas Eve when I was ten
I watched the A-Team with my friend
No thoughts of yuletide festivity
We were both in awe of Mr. T.
Not ones to suffer from any self-doubt
The A-Team always found their way out
A formidable force we all did agree
And the strongest of all was Mr. T.
1st June 2022
***
I read some Albert Camus
To learn about absurdity
But I didn’t make any breakthrough
Isn’t that just the irony!
1st June 2022
***
Filling with sadness
Slipping to madness
Sat up in bed
Thoughts spinning my head.
Every night at 3 am
Regular as clockwork
Infuriating thought mayhem
Overrunning mind-work.
Sisyphus toils
Head spun
Blood boils
Exhaustion.
3 then 2 then 1
Then none
No hours left
Bloody day has come!
2nd June 2022
***
«What’s my purpose?» The boy asked the breeze
«Go to the woods and amongst the trees
Seek the Blue Fairy for She will know
The meaning of life and your path to follow.»
The Wind replied in the boy’s anxious mind
And steered him gently so that he could find
The bluest fairy in the deepest dark woods
And show him the road from child to manhood.
2nd June 2022
***
He dreamt of brightness
But at sunrise
He found only darkness
And tormented skies.
He dreamt of beauty
But in the day
He found only ugliness
And relentless decay.
He dreamt of laughter
But at sunset
He found only sadness
And endless regret.
5th June 2022
***
Summer’s here
The forecast lied
For when I go out
It’s raining outside.
Summer’s here
The radio said
But when I go out
It rains on my head.
Summer’s here
The songbirds sing
And so I go out
But it’s still raining.
Summer’s here
But the rain’s incessant
So I’ll write poetry
For my antidepressant.
5th June 2022
***
Stray not near the lake
For its dark depths conceal
A ravenous mermaid
In search of a meal.
Stray not near the lake
With thoughts of your hunger
Else the ravenous mermaid
Shall drag you down under.
7th June 2022
***
The boy asked the tree
Marking the crossroad
«Which way to follow?
Which path am I showed?»
The tree said wisely
For it already knew
«Go which way wherever
The Wind shall take you.»
7th June 2022
***
I always seem to get it wrong
Knowing which way I should step
When faced with oncoming people
Move to my right or to their left?
My choice is always incorrect
And we mirror each other’s stance
It could be so much jollier
If we would link our arms and dance.
8th June 2022
***
She asks me how my day was
And when I start to say
She’s immediately distracted
And continues on her way.
She asks me for my opinion
About the news, a place, a song
And when I tell her what I think
She responds with that I’m wrong.
So don’t be surprised if I’m quiet
And do not think me unkind
I’ve a feeling you won’t be interested
In what’s going on in my mind.
8th June 2022
***
Life’s an absurd circus
When searching for a purpose
Or some deity high above
When what we need is only love.
9th June 2022
***
Feelings so sorrowful linger and last
For those forever far across the sea
Feelings of regret for decisions past
For love surrendered so permanently.
10th June 2022
***
Some people are so very loud
They take up all the sound
Everyone else made quieter
Their silent voices choked and drowned.
12th June 2022
***
Like lovers from a bygone time
The water and willow still entwine
The old tree stretched to reach his love
Thence embraced by her anointing glove.
12th June 2022
***
Along man’s time-worn castle wall
Sway dandelions in their ebb and flow
But which of these will be first to fall?
Not nature’s craft — that much I know.
13th June 2022
***
At the water’s edge you’ll always find me
On a secluded riverbank or by the open sea
Lost in thought yet found peace of mind
No past, no future, and all worries left behind.
15th June 2022
***
I wonder if I am invisible?
It sometimes seems it’s that way
My letters don’t get a reply
My voice gets lost in life’s lay-by
Does no-one hear what I say?
I wonder if I am invisible?
It sometimes seems it’s that way
My politeness is ignored
My manners make you visibly bored
Does no-one see me today?
15th June 2022
***
Sleep!
I’m so very tired of you
Because you never stay for long
And if only I knew
The I trials I must do
To right this wearisome wrong.
15th June 2022
***
The moment of waking where
Dreams are ousted by reality
And senses abruptly register
That somebody is observing me.
The witching hour opaque and still
Paralysed by my own fright
Eyes straining in the dark reveal
A figure cloaked in pale moonlight.
Her face so sad, a young girl’s stare
Pierces my heart and far beyond
A ghost of whom she’s unaware
To her am I, and then she’s gone.
16th June 2022
***
She has two hands
But cannot hold
She likes to tell
But can’t be told.
She measures something
We often lack
She goes only forwards
And She never looks back.
17th June 2022
***
The ebb and flow of each gentle wave
As they stroke and caress the smooth sand
The rhythm and pulse of sweet hiss and soft crackle
When silvery water kisses golden land.
18th June 2022
***
Should life for me some purpose hold
Pray enlighten what it could be
I wish I wasn’t becoming so old
Yet my purpose remaining a mystery.
18th June 2022
***
«And how was your day?»
The small dog was asked
«Busy, I would say.»
As he recounted his past.
«A few hours at home with no company save
An old radio and my best intent to behave,
Well I should probably start
By explaining the mess
And though it wasn’t my fault
I should probably confess,
How the bin emptied itself I just wouldn’t know,
So I left you a present to soften the blow.»
19th June 2022
***
The trees gently shook their delicate leaves
To announce the sudden arrival of the Wind
And along the avenue She softly breezed
Until She found and enveloped him.
«Why come now?» He asked Her afraid
«I can do this myself. I don’t need you.»
«My Love,» she sighed, «Such a mess you’ve made,
Of your life. But together we will start it anew.»
19th June 2022
***
Caught betwixt the Devil and the deep blue sea
What manner of ailments strive to suppress me?
Should the tiniest of morsels pass through my lips
My stomach cries pain as if becoming bewitched.
And if no consumption of food I shall make
I will suffer the torture of the Devil’s headache.
20th June 2022
***
Are those your footsteps that I can hear?
Each night I lay my head to sleep
Are you the Death I do not fear?
In search of my spent soul to keep.
20th June 2022
***
During the night
She had become the Storm
Her beauty veiled
By Her malevolent form.
And filled with such rage
She would harness the weather
And smash the skies, the sea, and the earth
All together.
20th June 2022
***
I wondered how many different souls
Had lived before me between these walls
And had once been loved or had cried out in pain
And then faded away to be seen never again.
22nd June 2022
***
The Wind lifted the iron-grey sea
To hurl against the shore
And She assaulted the weary land
Like She had never done before.
It is true that Hell hath no fury
Like a woman when once scorned
And the Wind, She raged all through the night
Til the breaking of the wounded dawn.
22nd June 2022
***
Sitting on a bench
Trying to think about my stuff
Though my tired mind says
Its really had enough.
Oh, sod trying to always
Think everything right through!
Just this once I’ll relax
And take in a pleasant view.
23rd June 2022
***
Welcome, come in and sit with me my friend
I wasn’t expecting to see you just yet
It’s been a while, and we’re together again
Though I secretly wish that we never had met.
25th June 2022
***
Equilibrium on this day
Is observing the bluest sky
Through a swaying leaf canopy
And pondering just how high
God might be
And do They observe me?
26th June 2022
***
Charlotte looks out from her world through her tears
And through the slim gap she has made between nets
She hasn’t recognised the outside for so many years
For her heart still remembers losses past and regrets.
Should a neighbour pass by and steal a sorrowful glance
Into her sanctuary Charlotte retreats with her shame
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