Бесплатный фрагмент - Congratulations, you have cancer

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.

«Patch Adams» (1998), directed by T. Shadyac

From the Author

My name is Maria. I have been a cancer patient in remission since 2020. I am a peer counselor in oncology, I make films, and I invite people into transformation.

I wish I could hear the response, «Hello, Maria», as people do in support groups. Because that is exactly the kind of space I want to create here: a space of complete understanding, free of judgment.

If you are reading this book, you have a good reason to be here and life has challenged you, like it has challenged me. Cancer treatment is not a leisurely walk in the park. So if some of my words stir anger or disagreement in you, I ask for your understanding and forgiveness in advance.

In this book, I share only my personal experience of living with a cancer diagnosis and the conclusions I have come to along the way. I hope these reflections may become a source of support for you, offer a new perspective on what is happening, or perhaps confirm thoughts you have already had yourself.

In August 2019, I was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer with a BRCA1 mutation. I was 34 years old. I discovered the tumor during a self-examination, something many of us were taught as early as school. I will not go into further medical details, because I deeply dislike comparisons made «in anyone’s favor.» There are billions of people in the world, and each of us has a unique combination of life circumstances, personality traits, and internal resources. Even when diagnoses appear identical.

Allow me a brief digression on self-examination. I believe it is extremely important. There is an opinion that some people worry excessively and overwhelm hospitals with minor symptoms. I disagree. It is always better to check than not to check.

I share the belief that a significant part of recovery depends on the patient and that no one has the right to stop us from caring for ourselves. Learn to examine your own body, ladies, and teach your daughters to do the same.

And this knowledge is valuable for men as well. If your hands, gently touching the body of the woman you love, notice something that was not there before, tell her. It may save a life.

After the tumor was discovered and all examinations were completed, I underwent eight rounds of chemotherapy (four plus four, for those who know what that means), followed by surgery to remove both breasts due to the mutation, and subsequent reconstruction. In my case, immediate reconstruction was possible, though sometimes it is not and requires time. Again, we will not compare situations. Treatment protocols can differ. Diagnoses can differ.

The point is something else.

As you read on, you are invited to reflect on the process as a whole. These reflections may apply to any form or stage of cancer, to any treatment and, in fact, to any illness at all. And perhaps even to life without a diagnosis.

Why a «Guide»?

What you are facing now is a course in the university of life. One you did not choose, but one you must take. This book is meant to be a guidebook for that course. A reference point and a way to navigate the key questions and the most challenging stretches of the road ahead.

I offer a different perspective, a wider one, or rather a view from an angle that may feel unfamiliar to most.

I am also very aware that with an oncology diagnosis, time can be measured in weeks, or even days and that some people simply do not have the time or the strength to read long, heavy, multi-volume philosophical works. That is why I write briefly and to the point.

I should warn you: I am quite direct in my language. This diagnosis taught me not to waste time on pleasing words or smoothing sharp corners. There is no need to pretend or carefully select polite phrasing. Cancer is a final warning. It is a yellow card on the playing field. It is a banner stretched across the entire sky, telling us that somewhere along the way, we took a wrong turn. It is the ultimate now or never.

Why «Congratulations»?

Yes, this is my first direct statement right there in the title of the book. So what exactly am I congratulating you on?

On the fact that the final warning has been issued. On the fact that you have been given a chance to rethink everything and to live the remaining month, year, or seventy years differently. To pass this wisdom on to those close to you or, if you are like me and carry an innate need to speak to a wider audience, to share your experience with strangers and influence their lives as well.

I began calling my cancer a gift from the moment I was able to move through fear and taste a kind of aliveness unlike anything I had known before independent of external circumstances. Since then, I have gone through countless transformations. I found my path. I launched many projects, including creative and author-driven ones. I became braver. I moved to another continent. I reconnected with my soul and with my true desires and dreams.

And now, although difficulties still exist in my life, they no longer define it. They feel like steps on a staircase. What has increased immensely is meaning. Every single day carries more of it.

Even now, six years after hearing the words «you have cancer,» I consciously make an effort never to forget this experience, because that is how profoundly it changed my life and how much boundless happiness it ultimately gave me.

Chapter One. Paralyzing Fear

I remember almost nothing of what happened to me between the moment of diagnosis and the beginning of treatment. Literally, blurred snapshots of events, fragments of words, phone calls, some trips somewhere…

Fear completely took over my existence and paralyzed my psyche.

Yes, these were protective mechanisms that helped me survive this -for lack of a better word — stress. But I do not remember filling out hospitalization forms. I do not remember who was cooking at home, what my nine-year-old son was doing, or where the cat was all that time.

By that point, I had already been in personal therapy for a while and was exploring the spiritual dimension of life, so I felt clearly: this was not the state in which one should meet life’s challenges.

Today I can say with certainty that fear kills much faster than a diagnosis. A person gripped by fear is incapable of thinking clearly or making decisions that are truly right for them. They cannot adequately perceive reality, communicate with doctors, commit to treatment or do many other essential things. More often than not, they give up before the journey even begins, instead of transforming what is happening into something constructive and giving themselves a chance to heal.

Fear and cancer, for some unknown reason, have become near-synonyms. No one is this afraid of diabetes or a heart attack even though statistics are far less forgiving in those cases. I will return to this topic later, in the section about language and the terms we use in this «discipline» of ours. For now, let me ask you one simple question: have you noticed what illnesses movie and TV characters are given when the writers need to remove them from the story suddenly and with maximum dramatic effect?

Before treatment began, I was not consciously thinking about any of this. But I am deeply grateful to myself for deciding to address fear first.

I knew nothing about the so-called stages of accepting a diagnosis and once fear was dealt with, I did not need that information at all. I did not have the luxury of seeing a psychologist once a week and discussing my feelings (my apologies to colleagues who do not believe in rapid methods), because I genuinely did not know whether I would be able to get out of bed the next day. I went straight to work with the unconscious.

Together with a specialist, I began to descend into my fear mentally. My mind created the image of a long, dark staircase leading into a damp, foul-smelling basement. Step by step, I went down, feeling waves of animalistic terror, fear of death, and almost physically sensing the stench of mold and stagnant water. I cried, followed the practitioner’s instructions, breathed, paused, and went on until at some point I felt solid ground under my feet.

It is worth mentioning that I was lying down the entire time, and my heels were, of course, touching nothing at all. And yet, my legs «stood» on something. That was the very bottom of the basement, the place where fear disappeared.

This is how methods that allow emotions and psychological trauma to be fully experienced in a safe environment work (EMDR is one such example). They are not suitable for everyone and require additional consultation, but when they work, they work very effectively. As yogis say, emotional pain lasts twelve minutes; suffering can last a lifetime.

This is a crucial turning point: understanding that emotions we avoid and refuse to live through begin to destroy us. When we face them and allow ourselves to process them properly, they retreat and often quite quickly. The choice is yours.

And yes, I will not be sharing recommendations or contact details of specialists. I need to see who I am advising and in what condition they are in. This is something I learned in my first year at the journalism faculty of Tyumen State University. I cannot know who will read this text or what their mental and physical state will be, and therefore I cannot responsibly recommend anyone. I am not a doctor, but I deeply respect the principle of «do no harm.»

The only thing I will say is this: do not go to just anyone «from an ad.» Any specialist should come with personal recommendations from people you know and trust. Most importantly, they should come with sufficient experience. With cancer, we simply do not have time to experiment.

So what changed once fear receded?

First of all, I did not turn into an emotionless robot. I simply reduced the intensity of my emotions. We cannot eliminate fear entirely but there is a difference between fear at a level of three out of ten and fear at twenty-eight out of ten.

Once fear loosened its grip, I was able with genuine joy (yes, joy, I am not joking), to move into an oncology ward and sincerely declare it a vacation. I ate the bland hospital food with appetite and still smile when I remember a staff member calling me «little berry» as she invited me to lunch. The bright orange chemotherapy drug became, in my imagination, a version of a famous healing cocktail. Lying with an IV drip, I listened to meditative music and imagined love and care flowing through my veins instead of «poison.» I slept a lot.

My first roommate was Auntie Anya, a magical woman who tucked me in with a blanket and brought blessed candies from the small chapel in the hospital courtyard.