Бесплатный фрагмент - 53 Advices for Juliet

But saying o’er what I have said before:

My child is yet a stranger in the world,

She hath not seen the change of fourteen years;

Let two more summers wither in their pride,

Ere we may think her ripe to be a bride.

“Romeo and Juliet”

William Shakespeare

Facts

Juliet was younger than fourteen years old.

We cherish first love equally as our life.

Destiny is created by strong emotions, but the most valuable thing in life is experience.

Foreword

I would have never written a book for girls that have fallen in love out of my own free will. Even such an idea would have never occurred to me on its own. However a mother of two daughters and a grandmother of a granddaughter of fourteen years asked me to do it. In the beginning she asked if I may give some recommendations and advices to a girl that has fallen in love. I have answered without preparation and my thoughts were to her liking. Therefore I promised her that I will write down these advices for her.

But during the first night I wasn’t able to fall asleep. Thoughts about the future book prevented me from doing so. More and more chapter titles were coming across my mind: “if the chosen one is older”, “if he is richer”, if he was at war”, “if he is self-centered”, or “if he doesn’t like children”.

Dear reader, do not judge me strictly. The subject turned out to be quite complicated, however I’m bound to speak about it in a simple manner. Though my suggestions are simplified to its limit, I do hope they are deep and wise.

This book is intended for those who believe in honest feelings and relationships, but doubt their reciprocity.

This book is for you, Juliets, if you are young, inexperienced, and on top of it, if your heart chose that one and only man for yourselves, with whom you would like to create nice and long lasting relationships and even later — a family, where children will come to be.

Chapter 1. Test your heart by your mind

You will never regret if you will keep checking your heart by your mind and your mind by your heart.

Are you captivated by feelings towards a person, but your mind is in contradiction with those feelings? Then stop! Something is off in here. Even a small break in a relationship will give you enough strength to control yourself and then make decisions mindfully.

Your feelings and mind contradict each other even after this kind of a break? Then make the break in relationship with such a person even longer. Search for the reason for this conflict between your mind and heart. Once you find it you will also uncover the reason that causes your relationship to keep fading away.

Maybe it will turn out that he is already married, but keeps hiding it. Or maybe he suffers from alcoholism but believes that he can stop drinking in a blink of an eye.

If you made a decision but your inner feelings prevent you from moving forward, then do not hurry with your actions. Maybe it is that your decision is not properly thought through. Maybe you’ve decided to leave your loved one but your feeling of pity prevents you from doing so. Or maybe you’ve set a plan to go for a trip together, but your inner fear keeps haunting you.

Chapter 2. Infecting by feelings

Under certain circumstances feelings can be imposed on you by other people, thus they won’t be yours. This usually happens when you deal with an emotional person, or in extremely dangerous situations.

Do not hasten making promises when you are surrounded by other people or in some extraordinary situations. Do not give way to your sudden emotions. Even more importantly do not take action while you are under the influence of such feelings. “I will think about it”, — these are the words and a life rule that can always save you from trouble.

Make a step back from other people for a while and ask yourself: “Why did these emotions occur? Are they really mine, or are they imposed on me by a relationship with this person?”

Real feelings survive for months or years. Their source is in the depth of your soul and in the memory of the family, of the kind. Emotions that are imposed contradict your culture. They can disappear almost immediately — usually within hours or days.

However if you did make a promise or acted under the influence of imposed emotions and after some time you regret it, it is important to be honest and to admit to yourself that right now your feel things differently and you would have acted in a different way.

Chapter 3. Three types of relationships

What kind of feelings other people have towards you you may recognize just by observing their attitude to you.

There are three types of such relationships: subordinate, overwhelming and equal. In each type the person in question can love you, however you will feel different expressions of those feelings.

Human starts his life from a subordinate relationship. The child expresses them towards its parents from the first days of his life. In exchange he receives an overwhelming attitude.

While being in an overwhelming relationship the person will direct you, teach you, cure you, manipulate you, will push you around, urge you to something. All this without consideration for feelings of the younger counterpart.

Equal relationships is something that one must learn. Such relationships are a rare thing. They require not only skills and experience, but also a continuous attention from both sides. Mutual respect and capability for a mutual agreement always lies in the foundation of equal relationships.

Chapter 4. Subordinate relationships

When in a subordinate relationship you are constantly viewed as a child: they take care of you, teach you, direct and manipulate you while not taking into account your wishes. So if you always feel yourself as “the younger one” in a relationship — they are subordinate.

Changing them in the future without conflict usually turns out to be very difficult.

Do not accept the role of the younger one in your relationship with your chosen man. Even if they promise you all worldly treasures.

Such a kind of relationship will make you enslaved. They will make you lose your own face, your dignity and freedom of expression. Subordinate relationships take away your capability of self-fulfillment. They take away your individuality. And if you fail to uncover and develop your own natural capabilities you might grow even more dependent on others.

Chapter 5. Overwhelming relationships

Overwhelming relationships force you to approach the other one as a child. He won’t be able to reveal his capabilities and natural gifts of a grown up in such a relationship. It will destroy his personality. Over time he will lose his face and dignity. He will be easily influenced by others. Usually such people start to search for an escape and strength in alcohol, drugs or other addictive behavior, that destroys their health.

Lifestyles that bring harm to own health reflect lack of self-love. That’s a fast lane to death.

A latent image of death will start enveloping your relationships. It always leads to unjustified risks whether it concerns money, or profession. It also leads to disorder in personal life and at home. For instance, it can be gambling, approaching work without preparation, accidental sex or accidental friends.

Chapter 6. Equal relationships

You can create an equal relationship if you respect your chosen one and you know how to find a mutual understanding. If he lost your respect — that is still not a reason to get out of such a relationship. If you cannot mutually agree on something at this particular moment — that is not a reason to deny the possibility of finding such an understanding in the future.

Life will always keep providing you with complicated problems that you will need to solve. So you will need to keep learning how to maintain an equal relationship. Relationships require skills, experience and attention of both partners. They are possible only if both of you are capable of coming to an agreement even in the most difficult situations.

Equal relationships will always be possible if you are capable of respecting the other person and if you feel respect from his side as well.

Without equal relationships we are forced to either submit ourselves to the other people, or to dominate them, or to leave from those relationships completely.

Chapter 7. Feelings and relationships

Feelings can be mistaken for a relationship.

If you are treated well you may in return start experiencing feelings of sympathy and attachment. But those are not the feelings on which you can build strong and long lasting connections that should lead to creation of a family.

It is important to find out what lies behind that special attitude towards you. Good treatment might have mercantile goals.

Feelings can arise in spite of relationships, or even without them. For instance, when you love a person who treats you coldly, or who completely doesn’t know you.

Usually relationships follow a rational mind, and feelings come from the heart. Cherish those relationships that are full of sincere and high feelings.

Chapter 8. Three reactions to love

There are only three types of reaction on love:

1. To fight for it;

2. Resignation to the circumstances;

3. Exiting from the relationship.

Fights may take place in different forms — starting from elimination of minor obstacles in relationships and search for opportunities of meeting with the loved one, and down to open duels with a competitor, for example.

Resignation always has only one form — voluntary submission to the circumstances or somebody else’s will. It is a humility due to recognition of the fact that the loved, whom you would like to reach, remains unreachable for you for the moment or definitely.

Exit from the relationship take on different shapes — beginning the range with the case when we physically leave by slamming the door behind us and ending it with alcohol, drugs or suicide.

I highly recommend here for any girl to try light forms of fight and exits. An example: you get slightly closer to each other and show mutual signs of attention, or you drift apart and decrease you interest in each other.

Resignation, being the greatest virtue, can be used fully and anytime. You will never regret it.

Chapter 9. Heart cannot be ordered

Your heart has chosen Him and heart cannot be ordered otherwise.

But yet there is something that you can do in addition to your feelings. You can find out more about your chosen man. You can get to know him, his parents and his friends better. Based on what you have found out, try to imagine the development of your relationship. If the potential picture of your future suits you, then you can follow the path towards their realization.

Do not prevent yourself from being prudent and from being respectful to your body and soul if you want them to keep developing.

In relationships and feelings you should always choose only life and development. Refuse everything that leads to downfall and destruction.

***

In order for you, my dear Juliets, to properly sort out your own feelings and relationships you should pay close attention to separate qualities and traits of your chosen one. What do I mean by that?

Chapter 10. He is a fighter

If he has a war experience or he practices martial arts, then he will be able to protect you and the whole family in difficult times.

However if you tie your life with somebody who has a combat experience be ready to encounter reminders of it in your own house. During conflict situations he may just react to you without thinking, to your relatives or pets. As if he was in a battle.

If he saw a lot of deaths, or even more — directly participated in it, then without any doubt his experience will reflect on your relationship and on your life around you. Think it through if you are ready for you and your future children to meet with echoes of such experiences.

Chapter 11. He is rich

If he is rich you should understand from where he has those riches — what is the source. Depending on what you will find out your relationship may continue developing itself or will disappear.

Think again. Isn’t he buying you? Aren’t you selling yourself? What are you going to bring into his life? Are you capable of developing yourself and becoming more valuable in his eyes? Or are you going to be his toy for a while?

It would be a sound idea to set and sign a prenuptial and marriage agreement if you have decided to marry. In such case your expectations and his plans will be aligned from the beginning and you won’t be disappointed in the future.

Chapter 12. He is poor

If your chosen one is like a pauper you should find out what is the reason for his state. Is it entirely his fault or he was born into a poor family? Knowledge of this aspect will either cement or destroy your feelings.

If your feelings for him remain, then find out what his plans for life are. His plans will be based on his previous experience, education and his vision of the future. If his dreams do not contradict your values, then it will be way easier for both you to implement them together.